just letting it out

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
just letting it out
10
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 10:53am
Please forgive me for letting off a little steam. Or perhaps I should say, forgive me for writing this - but it's saving me from sitting at my desk and crying. And I really don't want to do that. We have had posts on here before about the power of that one single email - the one that can make or break your day. It's just that whole issue that has gotten me down. Sometimes I feel like a switch. I am switched on when it's convenient, when he wants his fix. When he's too busy, when he doesn't have time or even when he can't be bothered, I just get switched off. My feelings don't matter. How I might feel about stuff seems to go neglected. And I hate myself for it - because I know that if I were stronger and had more self-respect, that I wouldn't be prepared to take this crap. That I would challenge it, or even walk away. But I don't. Why? Because I am too scared. Too scared of what he'll say. Too scared that I will be forced to let go of this man I love.

Some days it just feels as though I am not strong enough to carry on, but not strong enough to stop.

Sorry friends - don't want to fill your day with sadness. Just needed a way to try and keep the tears at bay. Not sure if it's working.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:02am
Just to let you know, I have been "switched off" for now too. You're not alone honey. Anyways, I am also weak feeling sometimes and think if I DO hear from him again, why can't I have enough self respect to just tell him where to go?? But I don't know if I can actually do that. Caught between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, I want it to end. On the other, I don't really but I don't like being treated like an object instead of a person who has feelings.

Dusty
xxxx
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:10am
My mm has been up to his eyeballs in work for the last three weeks. I saw it for my own eyes or otherwise I would be just as upset. I get tired of being third string as well, but we sorta agreed to that when we signed on. I have been spoiled because he always has been able to find time for me this time of the month. So now I am trying to be understanding yet I still feel like I am being ignored. Not true since he has called me and we saw each other at the office (him sneaking little smiles) but it still doesn't make up for alone time

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:36am
I just feel totally neglected because we don't work together and don't even live in the same city, so to not hear from him AT ALL, hurts.

Although not as bad as it used to. I used to take it alot worse and cry and everything. Now I don't cry over him anymore. But I know he's got a really busy job too, but still, he thinks nothing of not speaking for a couple of weeks or so, then just thinks I'm just going to jump when he says so.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:43am
We are the same - different work places, different towns. Like you, Dusty, sometimes I feel so neglected - and then I start to hate myself for "giving in" to it. He once told me that I "worry too much". I said I wasn't worrying too much, just caring too much - enough for two, because one of us had to.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 11:57am
And now, of course, I trail back through all the posts I have not had a chance to read for a few days ... and I get to Rain's Open Letter on the Obsess string. And I start to cry and I start to realize what a complete idiot I can be...

Rain - what a fantastic post. Thank you. You have calmed me and stopped my head from whizzing. And even if it is just for a moment, it is worth it.

N x

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:06pm
That was a nice post of Rain's. I wish I could believe that's how my MM feels. But sadly, I don't think so.

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:16pm
We HAVE to be positive Dusty. It's when I let go of the positive rope, that I fall back into all this quick-sand of confusion and sadness - and feel myself getting pulled down. Maybe we can be positive for each other.

xxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 12:55pm
Neurotica,

I think on any given day, at any given time, we have all felt exactly the way you do. It is so hard when they ignore everything that is important to us, that we hold dear and we are expected to be concerned over the tiniest thing that happens in their lives. Ok, now that's out......WHEW.

My dad is terminally ill, altho MM has told me that he will be there for me, if I need anything, he doesn't ever seem to ask me how he is doing. He lost his own father last year suddenly and it affected him greatly. MM is an only child. He was very very close to his dad and I understand that it's hard for him to have big conversations about it, but he could at least care enough to ask. Well, yesterday I was in a terrible mood and that was the first thing he did ask me, is your dad not doing well? Altho, MM was who I was mad at, it melted with that one sentence. It made me realize that altho sometimes we think they are insensitive to us, that maybe we really are in their thoughts more than we give them credit for. My sister keeps telling me that men are different, they just don't think like we do. I can see this in many ways to be true.

Hang in there and don't worry. I am sure you are on his mind. I hope the emails you get next will be the ones you've been waiting for...........

Kitty

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 1:49pm
Neurotica, I will definitely keep good thoughts for you that you will soon hear/see from MM. For me though, I have kind of a sinking feeling about everything. Although this has happened before, plenty of times. Where I think I will never hear from him again, but then I do.

So, for now, I wait. Maybe this time things will be different, who knows? I only hope H keeps his promise to work on our R. That would change things alot for me I think.

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Thu, 04-29-2004 - 2:24pm
I am pathetic. I just sent him a "hello" IM. So we'll see what happens. I did that yesterday too, got nothing back. Why do I insist on torturing myself??? I think I need a good slap to get myself back to reality!!

Dusty
xxxx