Just looking for support today

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Just looking for support today
11
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 8:54am
Hi everyone,

I have lurked here a long time. I understand and appreciate what everyone goes through here, trying to figure these Rs out. I am having a rather rough day, so thought I would post a brief introduction here and get some support.

I am a MW involved with a MM. It's only been a few months, though we've known each other for longer. It's been confusing for us both, because we don't want to leave our Ms, and yet we realized this past week that if this EMA continues, we will allow very strong feelings to grow and we don't know if we can handle it. We discuss all this quite openly, but I am still wanting the EMA to continue and MM is undecided. So for a while, he has been pulling away, then coming back, then pulling away again... welcome to the roller coaster, right?

Anyway, this weekend he went away with his W so they could focus on each other and their M. And I do support him in this - we had always said that our Ms come first - and I know things have been very rocky for them. But I still hate thinking about them spending all this time alone together. And I am nervous that he will come back to me tomorrow and say we are "off" again.

So that's the intro. For today, to keep my mind off MM and the fact that I can not control what he's doing/thinking or going to do/say tomorrow, I have a list of things I need to get done today, things to keep my focus off of MM. But I will be checking in here periodically and appreciate any support anyone can offer. I know I can get through this... I just hate thinking about it.

Thanks in advance, Anna

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 3:15pm
The only advice I can give you would be to take it one day at a time and see what happens.There is nothing easy about an EMA.

 Seeburg    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 3:21pm
Welcome to the rollercoaster! It does get tough, wondering how things are going in those quite moments of the other's marriage. BUT must learn not to be jealous, easier said than done. I always push him to be a better H, and yet, I have a hard time biting my tongue when I feel he is NOT getting his fair deal. Hugs to you, seems a lot of us are down and wondering today.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Sun, 12-07-2003 - 3:57pm
Thanks to you both.

I managed to finish some laundry, wash dishes and shovel snow. Then took a LOOOOONG hot shower. MM called to check in... back from the weekend with his W, which was "nice". (He knows I can only stand limited details). He has not said we are "off again" and since we have already called a "truce" to get through the holidays (one that he broke the day after we made it, but I assume we are back to "truce status" again, which means no IC) I am going to do exactly as you suggest... one day at a time. We do still have other time planned together (no IC, just FWOB time) and he has not canceled those... yet.

Now off to plan dinner, clean up the clutter (kids are snowbound, and the house shows it) and relax until I see MM tomorrow. Still on the roller coaster but on a slower curve right now... sigh...

thanks again, Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:33pm
Enjoy the flat tracks, they are precious and far and few... Relax while it lasts..

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 10:16pm
Hi Anna, I know how you feel. I am also only 3 months into my EMA, and we are both M with no intentions of leaving our M. Our A is long distance. It does seem like he pulls away some and comes back. I try not to analyze things too much and enjoy it. Don't let your mind get the best of you. He cares about you or he would not have called when he got back.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 1:15am
Boy, can I relate to this one. As one of the others said, welcome to the rollercoaster-it's so true!! I've been involved in my EMA for about 5 years. My MM and I worked together, and sat next to each other. To make a long story short, his wife accused him of having an A and threatened to throw him out if he didn't go with her to counseling. Needless to say, he got scared and did a complete 180 on me. In some aspects I was relieved (I too am married), but we were so passionately involved early on, that the pain from the break up about killed me. To top it off, he was trying to 'help' me in my M too, by offering advice he'd learned in counseling and buying me self-help books. I had this love/hate thing for him, and it was a terrible time. I would also hear him on the phone talking sweetly to her and saying "I love you"...it was more than I could stand at times. I tried picking up the pieces at home as well, without much success. At the same time I felt terrible for being jealous, as I really did want for him to be happy in his life. Needless to say our NC (in the physical sense) didn't last long either, and within three months we were involved again (his initiation). We've had our moments over the years of 'breaking up' either by my own doing or his, and always being done for the good of the kids, the spouses, etc. When that rollercoaster car is sitting at the top, the thrill is beyond compare. But when it dips down, it's definitely the pits. Hang in there Anna and know that we've all been there. Take care, Virgogirl
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 4:12am
Funny, MM and I just talked about this, must be something in the moon, everyone seeing where their mutal feelings are in the A (reference to Sweets "things are good").. the dips down often concern the other loved ones, doesn't it?? Anyone ever notice this too..???
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 6:23am
Thanks, everyone, for the understanding.

Oddly enough, he came over yesterday to say that we were definitely ON, and we would find a way to make this work for us. I was sure that after a weekend alone with his W, he would be running away, fast, but the opposite happened. So we had a *lovely* time yesterday morning, but now my own insecurities get the best of me and I wonder if he'll still feel the same today. He's done a 24hr 180 degree turn on me before, so my fear is not TOTALLY groundless.

Most of MM's guilt comes from his kids. He is determined to be a better dad. He is determined to make life with his W bearable for their sake. I totally know where he's coming from. I'm in the same boat. Or rather, roller coaster car.

So here I am. Strapped in and waiting for the next big dip and curve.

Anna

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 7:59am
HOLD ON TIGHT!!!! Im glad you joined us for some support Anna. The only solid peice of advice I can share with you is to get your mind set to not overthink things. Let things be just what they are. I know it proves to be difficult at times to not question all the unknown factors but you seem to both have the focus to stay in your marriages and with that you must be willing to ride the ride...*wink*

*hugs* glad you're with us!

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Tue, 12-09-2003 - 9:59am
Hi Anna,

Wow, can you picture telling MM that you're "off" again because he's M and it's just *wrong*? That's what SG did to me Saturday. The funny thing is I was getting to the point where I was ok with the concept of EMA and was ready to make time for an afternoon of full-blown (tee hee) IC. And in trying to get him to open up his feelings to me again, we did the 180 thing. As I told him, we were here this time last year, but it was me saying we had to be strong and hold back. I don't think I ever expected it to stop because of him! I wonder how easy it's going to be to keep it FWOB when he's the only one trying to "be strong". I don't want to, and I predict I'll be back here again next year singing the same song.

Who knows? Maybe I'll be hopping on the rollercoaster with you myself next time you come around on it!

Pages