Is this just my way of justifing my A??
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Is this just my way of justifing my A??
| Thu, 04-09-2009 - 6:22am |
OK, I'm looking for some honest opinions/thoughts here, and or your experience with what I'm questioning.
Here's what I'd like to know: Do you think it's possible to be

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IMO, if you can get past all the emotional stuff and your AP has the same expectations from the arrangement, then you can maintain a marriage and the A.
Ok...So, the previous poster gave you one side of it (and well said, I might add), allow me to give you a different perspective...
How does your AP feel about this? Because you, my dear, are now a classic "cake-eater". Does AP know about this fact or does he think something different? If he's ok with it, it may just work. I've seen and heard of plenty of people that have been in A's that are in your situation and it's worked wonderfully for them. And made they're M better. However, if your AP thinks otherwise, it's not fun for him. I'm in a similar situation but the other way around. My AP is "happily" married and has no intention of leaving his W. I know, based on what he's told me, that I make his M good. I provide the things for him that
Maybe if I give you more details:
Journey,
i don't have much time to respond today. so my quick answer based on my own journey is: your M may not be as happy as you think.
i thought i was happy when i started my A. my AP and i agreed on that. but what i've learned is my M is highly functional and low conflict - but that is not happiness. it is progress toward financial goals and parenting goals and social obligations without arguing. but it lacks an emotional connection that i crave. if i was truly happy in my M, it would sustain me without outside assistance - it would be my refuge and my "soft place." and while i have provided that for DH and he has a happy marriage (yes i have heard those words from his mouth in therapy), he has not provided that for me.
i don't think you are justifying your A. i think you may not be examining your M.
Mrs.
There have been some very good responses to this question. Probably going to be a little redundant in my own response.
For me, my M was happier when I was involved in an A (because my needs were being met elsewhere and it made for less friction between my H and I). So, when my first A ended, I sought out a second one. My first A was never discovered, but my second was and it really ended any happiness in both relationships. In my first A though, he wanted more and I was a cake eater.
I have some very close friends who are in the situation you describe (one in particular comes to mind) and it does work for her. She is vigilant about not getting caught as she knows that if that were to happen it would be disastrous. She truly loves her H but is not getting all of her needs met and has said almost verbatim what you did about maybe one person CAN'T meet all of your needs. Part of me agrees with her. But I have told her that she should brace herself because my stance is (and always has been) that as far as getting caught goes, it isn't IF but WHEN.
Edited to add, cause I am lame, and forgot: And yes, I do think that this is a way of justifying the A.
~Shadowz
Edited 4/9/2009 2:00 pm ET by cl-intheshadowz
Thank-you all for your wonderful replies. OK. so I'm officially a "cake-eater", and thinking about that makes me laugh (Thanks Angel :-).....) I never really thought of myself
Yes, it's justifying.... And that may be fine and "dandy" if everyone involved have a choice in wether to participate or not so no one would get too devastated if a Dday should occur. Otherwise, I think it's just incredibly selfish that people are taking decisions away from others who's lives they may be irreparably damaging without their consent that bothers me.
But, that's JMHO and I probably don't belong in this board anymore anyway.... And to those who's been hating on me lately, I never hid my A from anyone except my dd who was away at college at that time. In talking to her about it now, she said she's always knew about it anyway.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
There is a thread on D-Day in which posters share their experience on
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