Is this just my way of justifing my A??
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Is this just my way of justifing my A??
| Thu, 04-09-2009 - 6:22am |
OK, I'm looking for some honest opinions/thoughts here, and or your experience with what I'm questioning.
Here's what I'd like to know: Do you think it's possible to be

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How long have you been with your H - including before marriage?
Hi Goddess,
Your replies always make me think and when I see a response from you I know I'm going to be putting my brain to good use.
Hi Jen,
I know exactly what you mean. I guess I'm just a stickler for the underdog. My BF laughs at me because he loves to watch the "Bull Riding" show. I always root for the bull.
I also saw a show that stage a person being treated unfairly and they wanted to see who would come to defend and say something about the injustice of it all. Some people just ignored it and act like they didn't see anything. I would have been in the OP's face disregarding my own safety. Bf is always reminding me to think twice before I do that if he's not around to protect me (he's 6'4, 260 lbs) and looks very intimidating (but he's a pussycat in my hands) tee....hee!
Anyway, just trying to inject some reality (and humor) into this board once in a while. I hate to see women gets taken advantage of and those who are callous about the pain they could inflect on innocent people. I also detest those who bad-mouth WS, BS, W, H, OW, OM, etc., or those who say, "he's treating me like sh!t but I love him and I don't know what to do". These circumstance would usually cause me to get a "little" harsh. ;)
Thanks for your input. I really appreciate it.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Hello everyone,
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I echo the reply of Oxbell. When I read that your affair started just a year or two after getting married, it struck me that there must have been some pretty major problems going on. Something to think about, anyway.
As for your questions....yes, I DO believe you are justifying your affair. Of course you are. That's what we do. We believe we are entitled to it. I know I did. For the record, I am on this board because I have had an affair, and I believe that I can be of some help to people in the situation. But I do let it be known that I don't condone them or think that they are good things to be involved in. I believe I am more than qualified to say this because, again, I am speaking from experience. That being said, I do not judge. Well, most of the time I don't. Sometimes I read something here and there that strikes a nerve, but it's usually something very extreme, which I don't think yours was. So back to the topic...yes, you are ARE justifying. If you didn't, you wouldn't be able to continue. Nobody would. We justify and rationalize our behavior in anything we do. I think that's normal. I felt that if anyone deserved to have an affair, I did. My xH (notice the "x") was about as bad at meeting many of my needs as I've ever seen...emotionally, sexually. I tried for so long to get him to work with me to make things better, but he just never wanted to. At the same time, he also cheated on me. Long before I did. So when it came down to it, I felt I had every right. But I look at things so differently now. I regret that I got involved in that, because in doing so, I lost all credibility, integrity, pride. I feel the far better thing for me to do would have been to have laid it on the line and left. Though he hurt me tremendously, I had no idea how it would feel to be the cause of so much hurt in him. Not good.
It's clear that you plan on continuing in this affair, regardless. With that, the only thing I can really say about it all is that I hope you are very cautious. It's real easy to be cavalier about it when our spouses don't know, but, as others have said, if there should be a D-Day, things change drastically. If your husband really, truly does not meet very important needs, then perhaps he's not the best match for you. I don't think you're a wanton woman for doing this, but there may be some stuff going on deep within you to have this going on. I know there was for me.
Regardless...be careful.
PLEASE don't stop posting on this board G2.
Journey,
I think several of the things that divide people on the opinions of affairs are 1) did it end or not, 2) if it ended, how did it end, and 3) if it didn't end, is it going well now.
1) did it end or not? - if the A ended, well, there's more chance you will get a negative response. there are few who ended an affair and feel good about it now, but that leads to ...
2) if it ended, how did it end? - if the A ended in discovery, you can expect a negative response. if it ended because the AP was a lout, same negative response. goes back to the few who ended and feel good about it - and they don't usually stick around. more likely those who are still on the boards after their A have a sad story to tell and want to provide a warning.
3) if it didn't end, is it going well now? - if the A is rocky, you can expect a negative response. could be the AP is a lout or there are problems from outside sources or both. but most of these folks say "never again." it's only the few who have not ended and who do feel content that will give you a positive response.
ergo by statistical standards, you are much more likely to get a negative opinion on the boards than positive opinion about the end. also the boards are skewed towards posters looking for help with a negative or novel situation. people in affairs that are sustained without drama over a long period of time are not here.
And even when they are here. someone is quick to point out it's just a matter of time. they just haven't been discovered *yet*. and that is possibly true.
as far as likelihood of discovery, i think it has nothing to do with length of the A and more to do with the risks you take. evidence like emails and texts and chat logs are very dangerous. lies of commission - out right changing the truth - are more likely to be a problem. meeting in your own backyard increases the chance of discovery. and yet managing all these is still no guarantee of secrecy.
although it goes against conventional wisdom, i do think - based on research - that there are more undiscovered A than anyone realizes. which flies in the face of "they always get caught." however, it's better to assume you will than you won't in order to maintain clear decision-making and to not become careless.
Mrs.
Response to D-day:
Hi Obx,
I've said it before and I'll say it again. You're one of my HERO around here...... Ok, I've decided to stay. I know some aren't happy about that. But, I'll be around. It's just that the weather is getting warmer and it's glorious to go on motorcycle rides on a beautiful sunny day. Also, golf is picking up.....
Yayyy! Happy days!!! You take care and I still love reading your posts.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
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