Just need a hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Just need a hug
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:37pm

A little background on my story. I have been with AP for almost two years. I thought that after two years that the roller coaster would have slowed down for me and that perhaps it would be bumpy roads sometimes but not the heart dropping roller coaster ride that I'm still riding.

AP is married and I am single. This was not always the case. I divorced my exH about 4 months into the A, the divorces was not A related at all. In fact I was having an A because my marriage was hell and I needed an outlet to get my needs met.

When AP and I first started our A we were in communication every day. Lots of texts and hours of phone conversations. Of course that has dropped off considerably and I suppose that is normal with any relationship. I however get so insecure when I don't hear from him. It's like I forget that he has this whole other life, wife, kids, home and work responsiblites whereas I just have myself. Over the last year and a half sometimes I have forgotten what its like to be married and have to hide an A.

A month ago we went on a trip for about 5 days. It was glorious and when he dropped me off at my house, I walked in the door and I cried. Cried because I knew that he would never be mine, and that those 5 days that I got to spend with him were the best five days I have had in a really long time. SInce then I have been on this emotional rollercoaster. I over analyze every conversation, meet up, text etc. I have this proverbial feeling that he is just going to dump me out of the blue one day and that will be that. Lately he has been busy with work and family and his communication has been sparse. I might get one text every other day rather then several every day and if I'm lucky I might get one phone call a week. I feel patheic, like my life is just wrapped around this man. I have plenty of friends and a lot of hobbies but he is on my mind 24/7. We have never exchanged ILY during our two year relationship and for that I'm thankful because I think it would be make the rollercoaster even higher and faster. I know he cares about me, he shows that in his actions and words. He was very upfront in the beginning that he was not going to leave his wife for me. I'm totally on board with that because in real life I dont think I would want to be with him.

For those of you who have been in long term affairs, how do you handle the feelings, the obsession, the lack of communication, the fear of being dumped? I feel like I have handed him my heart in one hand and a knife in the other and that he has the ability to rip my heart open at any time. Yes I'm in love with him.

None of this makes sense, I know and I appologize for the ramble. I just need someone who knows what I'm going through to respond with their own wisdom and understanding. If I had to do it all over again I dont think I would do it, it's just too hard on my heart. However, here I am and i dont want it to end, I'm perfectly happy with the status quo. For those that have been on here awhile, who usually ends the A other then a D day occuring? The OW or the MM?