Just need a hug

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2008
Just need a hug
9
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 3:38pm

A little background on my story. I have been with AP for almost two years. I thought that after two years that the roller coaster would have slowed down for me and that perhaps it would be bumpy roads sometimes but not the heart dropping roller coaster ride that I'm still riding.

AP is married and I am single. This was not always the case. I divorced my exH about 4 months into the A, the divorces was not A related at all. In fact I was having an A because my marriage was hell and I needed an outlet to get my needs met.

When AP and I first started our A we were in communication every day. Lots of texts and hours of phone conversations. Of course that has dropped off considerably and I suppose that is normal with any relationship. I however get so insecure when I don't hear from him. It's like I forget that he has this whole other life, wife, kids, home and work responsiblites whereas I just have myself. Over the last year and a half sometimes I have forgotten what its like to be married and have to hide an A.

A month ago we went on a trip for about 5 days. It was glorious and when he dropped me off at my house, I walked in the door and I cried. Cried because I knew that he would never be mine, and that those 5 days that I got to spend with him were the best five days I have had in a really long time. SInce then I have been on this emotional rollercoaster. I over analyze every conversation, meet up, text etc. I have this proverbial feeling that he is just going to dump me out of the blue one day and that will be that. Lately he has been busy with work and family and his communication has been sparse. I might get one text every other day rather then several every day and if I'm lucky I might get one phone call a week. I feel patheic, like my life is just wrapped around this man. I have plenty of friends and a lot of hobbies but he is on my mind 24/7. We have never exchanged ILY during our two year relationship and for that I'm thankful because I think it would be make the rollercoaster even higher and faster. I know he cares about me, he shows that in his actions and words. He was very upfront in the beginning that he was not going to leave his wife for me. I'm totally on board with that because in real life I dont think I would want to be with him.

For those of you who have been in long term affairs, how do you handle the feelings, the obsession, the lack of communication, the fear of being dumped? I feel like I have handed him my heart in one hand and a knife in the other and that he has the ability to rip my heart open at any time. Yes I'm in love with him.

None of this makes sense, I know and I appologize for the ramble. I just need someone who knows what I'm going through to respond with their own wisdom and understanding. If I had to do it all over again I dont think I would do it, it's just too hard on my heart. However, here I am and i dont want it to end, I'm perfectly happy with the status quo. For those that have been on here awhile, who usually ends the A other then a D day occuring? The OW or the MM?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:05pm
Jerect, you are in love with a man that is not available. He is able to decompartmentalize the relationship. He enjoys what you both have and leaves it at the door when he goes back to his wife and kids. You have made this man your life which is the worse mistake you could of done. You have to create your happiness and you need to start by joining some activities. Do things that you enjoy...it can be anything. Dancing, making music, art, traveling...you get the gist. You have to re-engage with your friends and go out with them. Get back in the loop with dating and see all the other options that are available to you. There is so much more to your life than this married man. You know he doesnt want anything more than what you both have now. He's not ever leaving his wife and you'll be the one wasting your time, perhaps years on end with someone who will never be yours. I wish you all the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2014
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 4:36pm

You make sense in how you feel but your expectation about this relationship is more than what it really is. So you need to decide if you want to continue being a side dish with him because you'll never be the main course.  If you enjoy his company, then you need to accept being the side and it will work out.  But if you want to be the main dish, its not gonna end up in the way you would picture it to be.  I have been with a married man before, but i knew where i stood and i didn't want anything else but that situation became dangerous for me so i ended it. Any form of cheating in any relationship has it consquences but most turn out bad not good.  If you are going to continue, then accept where you stand with him because his needs from the relationship obviously are more important than yours. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 7:41pm

"here I am and i dont want it to end, I'm perfectly happy with the status quo."

It seems like you have accepted that what you are getting is the most that you are ever going to get in that relationship, and you said that you don't want him full time anyway.....but is that the same thing as being happy? Because the rest of your post doesn't sound like the words of a happy person.

You feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster, you're obsessed with him, you feel pathetic, and you're in constant fear that he's going to dump you with no warning. All of this will do a number on your self esteem, if that hasn't already happened.

My suggestion is to not worry about who dumps who, but instead to work on why you want to be in a relationship that you know can never be complete, and why you stay in a relationship that has you feeling emotionally upset most of the time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Tue, 04-08-2014 - 11:42pm

As everyone is telling you, the man is not now, nor will he ever be available to you when YOU want him to be.  You are secondary to his wife and children, he's told you that he has no intention of leaving his marriage......soooooo......that leaves you out in the cold, except when HE wants to see you or be with you.  There will always be a sick child, a sick wife, a fiancial crisis, or something that will be more important than you.  You're feeling lost and left out, but really, you need to learn to expect that, or live with that as long as you settle for being not second, but third or fourth in his life.  You are alone!  If you're sick, he's not going to come running and hold your hand, or take you to the hospital.  He will not be with you on Christmas, or New Year's Eve, or your birthday.  He shows he cares for you?  That's possible, but he cares more for his real life.  You really need to end the relationship and start living the life of a single woman.  Eventually, you'll meet someone who's not otherwise taken, and you can build a life of your own.  Losing him would be the best thing that could happen to you.....to allow you to get out and LIVE your life, not sit and wait for him to throw you a crumb when it's convenient for him.  It will hurt for a little while, just like the death of a loved one......but eventually, you'll look back and realize all he was for you was a stop-gap measure between marriage and being single.  Get out and start living your life!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 9:51am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
Wed, 04-09-2014 - 2:37pm

Hi Jerect,

I know exactly what you are going through, it took me two years to understand that I wasn't going to change how things were between AP and I. The only thing I can tell you is that if you are happy the way things are enjoy the moments you have together, the time he spends with you is yours only...make the best of it! When he's gone live your life and stop worrying about if he will dump you or not, it doesn't help you at all! He will always come back for more unless caught.

 I think the person that ends the A is the one with more heartache...too much to deal with. ((hugs to you Jerect))

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Tue, 04-15-2014 - 9:42pm

Jerect, 

5 years into the affair and it ended. There was 2 years of undying love, where I thought nothing but the sun rose and shown on him. I knew my place and where I fell in the rankings. It was non-stop communication. Sometimes the things he said made me feel like a million dollars!  Then after those two years communication slowly dwindled, it was this or that. I worked hard to keep the relationship real and interesting. Yet slowly and more slowly it continued to dwindle. Each time I made up my mind to pull away, he would say just enough, be just sweet enough to draw me back in. 

For three more years, I rode the roller coaster. Battling my own sense, feeding my delusions and my monster. I hated my neediness. I hated feeling obsessed over him, yet I couldn't break the cycle. 

I worked to understand. I worked to find out what I really needed. I worked to find out what was making me so unhappy in my life, that I thought this roller coaster was worth holding onto. 

Some of it was fear, some of it was history and some of it was promises I made to AP.  During the A both AP and I survived d-days and held on helping each other through them. His d-day was three years ago and mine one year. The A was a constant emotional struggle so many highs and oh so many lows. I began to realize I deserved so much more than his crumbs, yet I was afraid of MY life without him. I was afraid to go back to the unhappy me of before him. I was always honest with him about my feelings as he was with me. I was in love and he was in lust, I settled for being his fun and accepted him as my escape. We all know unbalanced relationships don't work.

There is so much more I could say, about the feelings, the turmoil and all that went on.  But I won't bore you and everyone with the details. In the end, I pushed, I hated his distance and the fact that he put so little effort into our friendship. I was on a need to know basis and became who he reached for when he was bored. I deserved more, I knew it, he knew it and when I pushed him on it, he couldn't deny it. I stopped reaching out, I stopped feeding my own monster and I stopped trying so hard to hold onto him. I stopped trying to hold on, I stopped trying to win his love, I stopped trying to rescue him and I truly realized I would never make him happy in the way I wanted too. I began to realize his life's happiness was not in my hands any more than mine was in his. I stopped looking for MY value in him.

I stayed in touch, keeping it basic and shallow. I treated him like he treated me.  Then one day I  pointedly asked if he wanted to end our communication. His prior excuses had always been, I've been busy, things have been rough here. Then this time, when I asked he opted for a true break. 

I could have been angry, but when I truly look at it, I realize he gave me my life back. I know this man extremely well and can fully understand the path we followed to the end and why. I have no regrets for the love I felt, my only regret is having let myself down in the form of having an affair because every day, I live with that in my heart and have not yet learned how to shed that guilt. I wasn't made for the affair world, it was very hard on me. I learned a ton about myself, but in the process I nearly destroyed myself too. 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 04-23-2014 - 11:38am

I guess I'd start by asking you, what do you want for yourself, your life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years, 10, or more? The answer cannot possibly be that you would like to still be in this A. So with that being said, I think the only answer is to begin to start yourself down the road that will allow you to reach your goals, and to start ASAP. Why waste another day heading down a dead end path?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2014
Sun, 05-11-2014 - 1:20pm

Sunnyshines and Jerect, the words you use just about break my heart.  I have recently started an affair with my boss, it began as an emotional affair and we just connected on every level.  I was married for 20 years, and recently have decided to end my marriage - not to be with my MM, but because my marriage has been over for me for years.  I've been trying to keep it together, but my experiences with the MM helped me see that I could have more in my life, and be truly happy.

Then of course, our emotional affair turned physical.  We travel together on business, with other colleagues which makes it tricky, but that is generally when I feel like we are "in a relationship" - not really, but it's the closest I get.

I love this man like I have not ever loved anyone in my life, and the obsession, emotional rollercoaster, the rules I have to follow, neither one of us understand why I am willing to do it.  He has told me straight up that he will never leave his wifeand family.  But as with many OW, I have a glimmer of hope that I will be the one he wants to be with eventually.  Every time I've tried to break things off he turns warm and loving and changes his mind about pursuing our affair (it started with weeks of him breaking my heart often because he couldn’t decide what he wanted, and now he is all in).

Jerect, I know what you mean about just needing a hug.  Here's the problem - he's totally compartmentalized our life and I don't hear from him after work or on the weekends.  Sometimes I'll get some physical contact when we're home, but it’s not enough.  Right now because of my situation with my "husband" - who is really just my roommate - it works, we have kids and he takes care of them while I travel (we’re staying in our house for now), and at least I have some moments of happiness when I'm away to keep in my heart.

 I think all I can do is put a time limit on the relationship, and really stick to it.  I also hope that I will meet someone who I can have a healthy relationship with.  Because we work together it makes the obsession and longing even worse.  I am trying the dating thing, although it's awkward and all I think about is my MM.  Reality sucks, doesn't it.