Just need a little support...
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Just need a little support...
| Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:35pm |
Hi all. I've been a little scarce lately because I've been going through a lot here at home. My W and I have been discussing the breakdown of our marriage and once in awhile I see that she understands my perspective. That we never really had deep connection and were just clinging to each other out of fear of being alone. That our communication needs and values are very different. But then she'll start sobbing and ask me why she isn't good enough. I tell her that I would never say she isn't good enough. That it isn't about that. But when she gets upset she begins blaming me for everything and I start to feel as if she is right. That I'm being selfish. But damn it, I think I have to be. I don't want to be sitting here 5 or 10 years from now ten times as miserable and wondering why I stayed when I knew leaving was the right thing. And of course when she gets upset, she tends to threaten using the children to punish me too. She quickly takes that back but it still frightens me. And angers me. I've told her I won't fight her on much, but when it comes to my kids, I will fight her tooth and nail if need be.
I guess I don't really have a question I need answered or anything along those lines. I'm just feeling alternately angry, sad, guilty and relieved and I don't know what to do with all this emotion. Thanks for listening and feel free to comment.

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Since she already knows that you're planning on leaving, hormones, frustration, anger and fear are running rampant.
Maybe you can both try to regain the friendship you originally had. You'll be raising those kids together for a long time.
Good luck...I know its got to be incredibly difficult. And kudos for staying to support her through her pregnancy. It will mean more to her later.
Cazrida
I'm sorry you & W are going thru such a difficult time - but I know you'll both come out stronger for it. It's good you two are talking, and discussing the breakdown of M; that she can get a little glimmer of your perspective.
I don't know what her's is, but I know how I felt when xH told me he didn't love me - and perhaps you'll understand because you place much importance on love - it was the ultimate rejection, and my self-worth plummetted. It took me a long while to stop blaming xH, and myself...I would alternate between thinking it was all his fault since he was such a monster, to wondering what I could have done differently; such a gammit of emotions (and Cazrida is right in that W is even more emotional). Now I realise that we perhaps really never "knew" each other and certainly "grew" into different people...in my mind's eye he *was* a monster because he was abusive - but then, I allowed it.
You wrote, "And of course when she gets upset, she tends to threaten using the children to punish me too. She quickly takes that back but it still frightens me. And angers me. I've told her I won't fight her on much, but when it comes to my kids, I will fight her tooth and nail if need be." People tend to lash out when they are hurt - to want to hurt the other person. Do you think W is feeling very insecure and worried about the future - how she will cope financially and emotionally - and that she feels the children are her leverage?
xH used the children to get at me too, because he realised that is where I was vulnerable and in that way he had control. But you know, you and W are adults and you know you'll get to the other side of this eventually - which is of more importance: what is best for you/W, or what is best for the children? Is it better to fight, or let her get angry and then discuss it when she's calmed down? Do you plan to stay with your convictions - and if so, do you feel W will eventually accept the situation? I would bet W is more intelligent (and with more self-worth) than I was and will ultimately grasp it...if you let her feel/deal with the emotions now, she's likely get through it quicker (though of course being pregnant adds to it - and she may be emotional after baby is born due to the hormonal changes yet again).
xH & I lived under the same roof for over a year (egads!) while preparing for D and it was sooo difficult - but good because we had to face it, talk about it, get mad at each other, etc. instead of arguing through lawyers. Everything did not go the way I would have wished, but then it didn't for xH either...it couldn't possibly since our values are different.
There comes with each experience the opportunity to learn and mature - know that however difficult it is now, you are living and learning, and you'll both be more mature and stronger for it. I'm glad you have the board to let it out...there isn't really much else you can do with the emotions but acknowledge them, appreciate them and move on. And you know, Omaha, I haven't read a post of yours yet in which you've belittled W (unless I missed it, lol) and so I can see what a good Dad you are, and how supportive of W you are and will be - just be sure to keep reassuring W of it, and remind yourself once in a while too!
Peace (as in mind, not hippy, lol)
Meow
i can tell you divorce is harder than i thought it would be for me.
But among all the doubt and the fear if you go somewhere quiet and listen and feel, you'll hear and feel that you know you are doing the right thing.
Just because something is "right" doesn't mean it's easy.
i think both you and your wife are very brave people who have a good chance to end this amicably. it may not be fun or easy, come vent here whenever you want, or go to a divorce board. i go to the "divorce under 30" board and it's a lifesaver.
i too had to live with my STBX for 2 months after i said i was leaving. it was very, very hard. it will get easier when you are physically seperated, although, maybe that's more true for those of whose spouses turned mean and nasty (well, meaner and nastiER!)
Good luck
jen
When is the baby due? You two should separate IMO. Take time away from your W and the OW and really think about what you want and what you can live with. But I firmly believe that you should cut off contact with the OW. I have no room to preach (been in an A for a year), but let me tell you from experience, your thinking will only get MORE clouded if you continue to try to juggle all of this. JMHO.
Charlotte
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