Just need a little support...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Just need a little support...
16
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 9:35pm
Hi all. I've been a little scarce lately because I've been going through a lot here at home. My W and I have been discussing the breakdown of our marriage and once in awhile I see that she understands my perspective. That we never really had deep connection and were just clinging to each other out of fear of being alone. That our communication needs and values are very different. But then she'll start sobbing and ask me why she isn't good enough. I tell her that I would never say she isn't good enough. That it isn't about that. But when she gets upset she begins blaming me for everything and I start to feel as if she is right. That I'm being selfish. But damn it, I think I have to be. I don't want to be sitting here 5 or 10 years from now ten times as miserable and wondering why I stayed when I knew leaving was the right thing. And of course when she gets upset, she tends to threaten using the children to punish me too. She quickly takes that back but it still frightens me. And angers me. I've told her I won't fight her on much, but when it comes to my kids, I will fight her tooth and nail if need be.

I guess I don't really have a question I need answered or anything along those lines. I'm just feeling alternately angry, sad, guilty and relieved and I don't know what to do with all this emotion. Thanks for listening and feel free to comment.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 12:16pm
Hi there,

I am sorry for the way you are feeling but I can also understand what you are going through.I myself went through all the guilt,anger the whole bit and the best advice I can give you is go to GOD for your answers he WILL HELP get you through it.



read my post at (ATTENTION)GOD ANSWERS PRAYERS HE UNDERSTAND!!

I will pray about your situation!

Dimples
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 1:00pm
Omaha,

Please dont burst into any furor over this but you seriously need to think of your OW's age (you said you were 30 and she 12 years younger) if you are planning to start a life with her. 18 or 19 or the time when one starts college is a very young age to start a long lasting relationship and chances are that she is going to go through her maturity cycle and she may not have the same feelings towards you later down the road. Thats whats happened to most of us who got engaged or married young. Its not the age difference (it would be a different situation if you were 42 and she 30) but the actual age that can have important consequences.

Just a thought

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 1:33pm
I have to agree with you phillygirl. I've been with my H since I was 17, he was 22. I am now 37. I did go to college and we were married just after graduation. Problem is, I have grown a lot. I am definitely not the same girl I used to be. My feelings have changed, and due to the fact that I know myself now, my wants and needs, I realize that those wants and needs are not being met. I am in a M with someone and we have nothing in common (except our kids). My H keeps saying "Who are you, and where is my W?" I tell him, this is me now!

Anyway, beware omaha, woman change - especially after hitting that 30 mark.

My thoughts are with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:34pm
Believe me, I am aware of all of the pitfalls in this situation. But also remember that I'm not leaving my M for the OW. And I'm under no illusions that we're going to live happily ever after. I know she will grow and change and you know what? So will I. But that doesn't mean we won't grow and change together and be even closer down the road. We all run the risk of the people we get involved with growing apart from us. That's part of any long term relationship. And I realize the fact she is young gives this even more weight. But again, I'm not marrying her, I'm not even moving in with her. She and I will hopefully date and see where things go. I wouldn't even consider marrying her until at least 5 years down the road. She has college and I have my kids to focus on. I do love her, but I'm not blind.

Also, if she were to walk away from me today, I would still be leaving my M. If nothing else, the OW has shown me the light. If I hadn't met her, I may have languished in this situation for years. I had convinced myself that I didn't need to be content. That I could live without all the things I knew I wanted and deserved out of life. But as most of the people on here have said, it is far better to realize now that we don't have the connection we should. My W and I will both be able to move on and I know that ultimately we'll both provide our children loving homes. I hope that someday down the road I'll be able to come back here and tell you I'm planning to marry my once OW. But if not, I know that I will find someone who I connect with and who I can truly love for the rest of my days. And I want that for my W too.

I do appreciate what you guys are saying though. I may be in love, but I'm not delusional.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:43pm
I want to thank all of you who have offered kind words and support. It means more to me than you could ever know. My W is a good person and I believe that ultimately she will do what is best for the children. I do understand that she is hurt and angry and I know I'm the source of that pain. That fact alone kills me. But I believe this is the right thing and I can't turn back. I am being patient and giving her time to work through everything. I know it is difficult for her and I have tried to reassure her that she did nothing wrong and that there is nothing wrong with her at all. I believe there are thousands of guys who would be thrilled to be married to her. And I do want her to be happy. My anger is only temporary. As is hers. In fact, we already apologized to one another this morning. But she also said she doesn't think we've given this enough time, which scares me. Because I already know what I am going to do. And everytime she has to face that she ends up trying to convince me to try again. I am trying to hold firm to what I said without bringing it up every night because that ends up with her in tears and there is no point in going through this over and over when I don't plan to leave until after the baby is born. I don't know. Sometimes I do think I should leave now. But I can't and won't without custody agreed to the way I think is fair. Again, this is so difficult. It's like I know exactly what I need to do but the circumstances won't allow me to do it. Again, thank you all for listening.
Avatar for nomoreregrets
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:12pm
Hang in there, OM. You sound like a very understanding and rational man. I commend you for that! As far as the W's tears and emotions she's going thru a lot of hormonal changes right now, it sounds to me that you are handling the situation better than most men. Once again, just buzz me if you ever want to talk one on one. Good Luck, NMR

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