Just need a little tea and sympathy.....

Avatar for jeanbob
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Just need a little tea and sympathy.....
2
Tue, 08-19-2003 - 5:59pm
I've known my MM for three years. We finally admitted our very strong mutual attraction and began our EMA less than six weeks ago, have managed to be alone together three times, and those times have, of course, been passionate and wonderful. We are both M, he has three young children, I have none, and neither one of us wants to leave our families. We see each other at least once and up to four times a week because of mutual community service organizations and other activities. He has never been one to call or e-mail just to chat--besides all the children, he works two jobs and has numerous other responsibilities--his free time is extremely limited (in fact, he has told me twice now that he "has no life"). I don't talk to him normally except when I see him at meetings, etc., and this hasn't changed with the change in our relationship. My problem right now is that, for example, yesterday I saw him (not alone) for the first time in a week. Because we don't communicate in between seeing each other, and because this A is so new and so strange for me (this is a first A for both of us), by the time I see him again I am feeling very insecure and not sure how to act. Last evening there were a lot of people around, and although he certainly didn't ignore me, he didn't get very close to me either. I was very uncomfortable and was not my usual vivacious self--so quiet, in fact, that a couple of other men asked me what was wrong! After the meeting, I just left without trying to talk to him, although he made sure he gave me a big wave as he was driving off. I will probably see him again tonight, and don't know what to expect. I can only hope I can act a little more normally. I know at some point I will need to talk to him about his expectations for the relationship (how often we see each other, how we communicate about that, etc.) but I really feel like it is too soon to have this conversation--everything is too new and too weird for both of us. I still feel quite upset about seeing him, however, and wish I knew what he was thinking--if anything! I don't really need any advice, I guess, although I would certainly listen to any offered--I just need some reassurance! Thanks, you all are great--
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 1:24am
You wrote:

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I think if you want to behave "more normally" then it's best to have the conversation sooner rather than later. If you don't establish the ground rules upfront, it only becomes more difficult later.

Best of luck...


KG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-20-2003 - 8:14am
There is no symbol for "tea" so a hug will have to do...

Actually, I think you should have had that conversation about expectations, roles, etc., BEFORE you launched the EMA. To avoid exactly what you're probably both feeling right now... uncertainty, insecurity, added stress, etc. For example, are both of you considering leaving your Ms? Are you both committed to staying in them? Where do you see this EMA going? While it may be too soon to know if you're embarking on a life long love affair or a temporary distraction, it is never too early to talk about how you should be interacting with each other... so that as things change in the future, you will already have the right groundwork there to support discussing those changes.

If you fall in love, do you want to be fearful of telling him, like so many women here are?

If you decide you can no longer be in the EMA, do you want to be fearful of his reaction or telling your H?

Some things you can't control, but by being open and upfront, including about the things you *don't* know, you can both minimize future serious dips in the roller coaster ride.

good luck.

lily