Just need to put this out there...
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| Mon, 05-18-2009 - 5:08am |
I have lied to so many people about this over the years, usually just small little white lies (like putting the blame off on him to my friends after we'd split up, exaggerating the little things, etc. things most women do when we break up with a guy for no good reason but we don't want anyone else to know that it was because we couldn't handle a serious relationship, that we couldn't handle being committed.) that I just can't even bring up his name around people anymore... And I hate that. I mean, I know that since we're in an EA it's not like I can just go out and openly talk about this with even my closest friends but what about in a few years? What if things do work out the way we're hoping (and I know they don't usually, but I can't help but hope...), what if in a few years he comes back... Right now I just need a place I can tell the truth, and know that maybe somewhere, someone understands, even if it's just a small part... And I know that I'm to blame for things getting to this point. That, even though we had our differences, and we were too young at the start and maybe even still too young now, there has to be some reason we can't say goodbye.
Well so there's this guy... And we've known each other for, well several years actually, but only REALLY known each other for about two and a half. He was a year ahead of me in high school, and we dated for about nine months. It ended not so much badly as much as it was a rough ending. For stupid reasons that only made sense to a 16 year old who was having to deal with things WAY beyond her maturity level. Anyway, after a few months of no contact we slowly started communicating again. We didn't feel restarting our relationship was a good idea despite the fact that we both still really cared for each other. Well, being teenagers that didn't last long and we started a long distance relationship (he was stationed halfway across the country), and of course that ended pretty quickly (it was my sr year and I was more interested in having fun than in having a relationship). But we stayed in contact as friends.
And even when he deployed we still talked at least once a week, even though his phone time was limited and I'm sure his family would've preferred he talk to them more rather than save his minutes just to make sure everything was okay with me and to let me know how he was doing... He was dating another girl at the time and 90% of the time I was trying to get him to realize that when she'd rather party than talk to him for just 5 minutes a week well, that something wasn't right. Sure enough, halfway through his deployment she admits that she'd been cheating since even before he was actually deployed. I don't judge her for that, I fully realize that I have no room to talk, I just couldn't stand to see him suffer like that because of it. He was having a hard time overseas, deployment didn't suit him - heck I was the whole reason he joined up in the first place back in high school, but that's neither here nor there - and then to find out, and she didn't even try to break the news gently... well it was really rough for awhile. I was ten times as worried as I'd been since he shipped out, worrying that maybe he'd decide he couldn't take it any more... By this point I was getting ready to leave for college and I figured I'd had enough "fun" and so about three months before he was scheduled to come home we decided to give it another try, one last shot.
Well unbeknown to me, the college I'd chosen wasn't exactly conducive to maintaining a relationship. The course work was heavy, and even though I didn't party (no seriously, I preferred just hanging out with my group of friends, especially after what happened to one girl that second week, I swore no frat parties ever after that one) my friends and I would have late nights with a full fridge. And so there would be nights when I was passed out and didn't answer his calls, or nights when I was so busy trying to write a paper that it was hard to hold a conversation and we just decided it would be better to wait until he was home and I could fly out over christmas break. Well, college being college I met a guy, and the fling turned serious and I wound up not flying out for Christmas.
Again however, we've stayed friends. Despite my ex's best efforts to break that up (jealous boy, I really did mean it when I told him I'd never cheat on him, that the other guy and I were just friends) we did stay good friends. He was glad I was happy and I was glad he was home safe. I know it almost killed him to find out I was expecting though, and (I'll be honest) there have been times when I wished this baby was his instead of the semi-deadbeat's. I've been the first one to find out, well, pretty much everything that has happened to him. And I was the first one to cry when I found out he'd gotten married. Especially considering that he knew from the second week of dating this girl that she wasn't what he wanted, let alone needed. And I know I only hear one side of the story but really, even in a contract marriage there should at least be some degree of respect right? Some effort put forward to make the time you have to spend together bearable? Even if you won't say "I love you" (because why say it if you don't mean it) shouldn't you at least try to appreciate each other? To support your spouse in their efforts and goals rather than shoot them down or ridicule them? To try and understand that your husband was overseas and during the time he was there he not only went through the stress of war, but that he lost so many personal relationships with friends and family back home during that time that it's a miracle he even chooses to wake up? To not be so critical that he turns back to his ex (who, in all honesty, has put him through more hell than the military could ever dream of) just to know that someone actually cares?
And that's exactly why I'm in this. I do love him. In my own screwed up way I do. Maybe I'm just not cut out for a regular relationship, maybe I'm just not good enough to spend my life with someone. I don't know who I am and I don't have a clue what I'm doing half the time. But I do know that no matter what, I do love this man. And if all I can do for him is talk to him for a couple hours a week, and occasionally text him when he's working nights, and let him know that I'm still here for him then okay. At least for that small amount of time I can offer him the one thing he does need... I don't know if this will ever turn into more, if it will ever cross the line between just emotional into physical or not... I know the contract marriage ends in a little under two years... Don't know what will happen after that... And right now I'm ok with that. I just want this little bit of happiness that is right here and now. what ifs can wait until they matter.
Sorry this is so long, like I said, I've needed to get the truth of it off my chest for a long while now. And it feels good to be able to admit to someone what's going on... DYK, that of all the first kisses I've had thus far in my life, his is the only one I can still describe in perfect detail, that I can still see when I close my eyes...
EDIT: ok, hope that helps a little bit, tried to split it up in an organized manner but not sure how well that worked...
~We are what we are at heart and that cannot change~
Edited 5/18/2009 3:06 pm ET by colyne_tba

I wanted to welcome you to the board,
Colyne,
Any length of posts are welcome - but it would be really helpful if you split some of the text up into paragraphs!
Oops, sorry... I was writing that at like 3 in the morning and was half asleep so am actually surprised it made any sense at all... will edit it here in just a second.
Thank you. Yeah, I lived in south-central for awhile (thats where I met FOB) but now I'm back (and oh so HAPPY!!!!!) in northwest.
I'm not entirely sure *I* even understand the contract marriage... My best explanation based on how I understand it is that she has certain benefits she can get from her job if she's married and he, being military, has his married benefits (his main one being that he now gets to live off-base, he hated the barracks) so it's pretty much a marriage of convenience, and they have to stay married for two years (that's when his contract is up and he's transferring back here then) and then they just go their separate ways without a big messy divorce. They take what they brought into the marriage and that's that, no custody battle (no kids obviously) no alimony no "well if she gets the house then I want the car and leather couch" etc... Not sure if that helped any... Like I said, I don't even entirely understand the whole thing.
And no, FOB and I split up about two months ago. I'd had to move back here to help with my grandma (she was in ICU for a week, stayed in the hospital for about a month total, and now is in a "rehab center" which is PC for nursing home I think) and after about two weeks of actually talking to him and not just spending time with him (because there really is a big difference in the two) I suddenly realized "OMG who is this guy?!" I guess that since I'd been spending so much time with him I hadn't noticed all the ways he'd changed in the time we'd been dating and I'd gotten used to glossing over his faults because I did want things to work because of LO, but no, this is for the best. We still talk - if you can call maybe five minutes of phone time (text and calls together) a week talking - and he's willing for child support (which I'm still going to go through the courts for but at least it's easier if he's willing) but I seriously doubt he ever does much in the child's life... He's gotten really distant towards everything lately so I get the feeling that he'll want visitation for awhile - which I have no problems with - but that within a year I'll have sole custody... Maybe not, but seems like it atm...
Ok, going to go try to make that first post a little easier to read... lol
~We are what we are at heart and that cannot change~