Just need to vent
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| Fri, 10-23-2009 - 7:17am |
Sooo I just need to vent:
been friends with AP for about 4 yrs, intimate for 18 mos, and in love for just over a year. Caught twice by his W, I am still flying under the radar.
I don't even know where to start, BUT I do know I am frustrated. We both know the feelings we have for one another. We are intimate approx 1/wk and see one another another day during the week so that it is not "all about sex". When I, I don't want to say "push" for answers on where this is headed, but seriously inquire about it, I get: "I love her and you, I am torn, I don't know what to do, but I am not leaving her." Ok, I can deal with that, however...when I don't inquire about this, AP manages to bring it up saying "you never know what tomorrow holds, I think I am tired of the way things are at home, if you left H would you wait for me?" I know most of you are going to say he is saying/asking these things out of fear of losing me altogether, but AP is not like that. I honestly and sincerely do not believe he would tell me something just b/c he thought it was what I wanted to hear, on the contrary, he is quite comfortable with telling me the things I DO NOT want to hear. AP has always been honest, open, and upfront with me. I am just REALLY confused/frustrated at this point. He has said that he wants to be with me, full time and permanently but has stated he thinks we are both too afraid to S@*% or get off the pot; I think he is right. He says when they are "together", as wrong as it is, it is me he is "with" at that moment in time. When Aps wife does or says something, he compares it to what I would do/say.
I don't want this to end, but I am getting

Gal, i have a similar problem. My EA ended when my APs W moved back in after being seperated for 18 months due to work locations. I had said goodbye and prepared to not hear from him again after 1 year but after a few weeks of silence and no contact from me, he began messaging and calling me.
My AP is the most honest man i have ever met (its ironic-i know) and i was never strung along. I knew every step where i stood but wasnt prepared to dodge his W. While he lived alone and she was 2000 miles away it was different. APs communication has been more frequent as time goes on and i know that being back in the M after an 18 months alnoe, he isnt as happy as he thought having family back made him. This gives me hope that he will eventually want more but i am not counting chickens. I am trying to live day by day and if i hear from him then great, if not, then i know it will be soon.
IMO, i think you should start spending less time communicating with him and get yourself some more hobbies/outings/shopping/movies or whatever you can do to keep busy. AP will not appreciate you while you are still sitting forefront but in the side. He does not choose because he does not have to. I dont believe in game playing, but if getting something worthwhile in your life that doesnt involve him helps you to lessen the focus on AP being the only man for you, maybe one day you will wake up saying that enough is enough. As much as he cares for you, you ARE 2nd. If you want more, then only you can change the circumstances that make it so. Putting him in a corner would be bad, but showing him that you are not M to AP so you can do as you please would go a long way.
If you read here, there are some girls that have ended up with AP and are happy. It doesnt happen much, but it can and i have my fingers Xed that you can be one of the lucky ones too.
Good Luck
SB
Its much easier said than done-that is D.you might D for the right reasons but what if he doesnt?or vice-versa?it will become very draining and one of you might regret your decisions and end up hating one another like the EAS board is full of.
i would just love and let future take care of it itself.thats me.
Thanks for your thoughts, both of you.
I am not much of a hobby person, I like, no love, to work. I have been in the market for a 2nd job which would be days since I work FT nights. Maybe that will help as I only work 3 nights a week (12 hr shifts).
Thanks again
Hi gal.. mm here..
Well, yes, what happens in the long term.. a tough question.. the only way you can really be sure he will be yours forever is for you both to end the affair, for him to set a course for himself, and once he is settled and knows what he wants in his life by himself, to come back and make you a part of his life as a lifelong partner.. if that's what he chooses..
And.. there is a snowball's chance in a hot oven for this to happen at this time, right?
He is honest in his feelings, don't doubt that. He just has nowhere to go at this time.
So.. you accept the A for what it is NOW and make it a part of your life and that it will never change..
Or.. you move on..
--
You all are right, it is what it is and I know this.
I just kind of get frustrated because he is being honest with me and I know he wants to be with me...but for whatever reasons: love, money, kids...my bet is on the money part of it, along with being a social outcast in their acquired group of friends. I know he loves her, but has told me "not the right way, the way I should; more like a sister". It may be "kids" too, however, they are not his bio children. I know, this does not lessen the bond/love between step parents and step children. I am a Mom, I get this. The first time he and I were caught, she told him the only thing preventing her from leaving him was her financial state....that says alot to me.
A recent and past coversation, he stated things were kind of bumpy at home. I asked if I should step down for a bit, let him fix or figure some stuff out? He told me if I was to do that, it would be like cutting his lifeline. "I cannot think of my life w/o you in it"...stuff along those lines were said. I am a fairly independent person, so if I felt he was simply saying "you are the only thing making my marriage even slightly bearable", I would run fast and far the other way.
I'm kind of at an impasse with myself lately :(