Just need to vent
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Just need to vent
| Thu, 12-04-2008 - 9:13am |
Girls / Guys coming back to the only place I know that i can vent. Bring those of you who don't remember me up to speed.Sorry if I have forgotten some of the abr. Me ... SWF divorced with 2 DS ...MM and 2 DS he's my boss.We've been together for 4 yrs going on 5 yrs lately I've been trying to date other men which has not been going well b/c i feel bad about seeing someone else. He's never leaving his DW btw so I know that but I cannot seem to get past the seeing someone else and feeling good about it even though we will never have anything together. He says he loves me all the time but then he is a man so he says stupid things that hurt my feelings .Why do I care about him so much before him I have dated MM in the past and never fell for them this hard before I was able to let go and move on if I wanted to.My best friend says I need a lifestyle and job change to get past this

Well...it's good that you're at least a realist in that you seem to know where it is leading, which, as you state, is basically nowhere.
Several things seem clear. One is that, for whatever reason, you seem to have an affinity for MM. Why is that, do you think? Are you afraid of committment? Do you find the whole secrecy/taboo thing to be exciting? Do you get some sort of payoff for being able to obtain someone who is supposed to be unobtainable? Do you just simply not care whether someone is married or not...you have no thoughts at all about a MM's situation? A combination of these? Or is it something else? Because, quite honestly, repeatedly getting involved with MM seems to be fairly dystunctional, IMHO. And I'm not saying that to you to be harsh. It's truly the way I see things, so I'm being honest with you. I do not think this makes you a bad person. I just think it suggests that you have some personal issues. Something we all have, no doubt. Perhaps this is something you should think about. Because if you can figure out what drives you to participate in these relationships, you may be able to avoid them in the future, and therefore not be in the position you find yourself in at present.
That being said, I think it stands to reason that if you have any hope of having a real, true, loving relationship with a man...IN REAL LIFE...then a couple of things need to happen. First of all, you have to date. You just have to. Why on earth should you feel guilty about looking for someone of your own? You at least understand that it is just ridiculous to be "true" to someone who is not available to be true to you. You say, "Why do I love someone so much that hurts my feelings never gives me what i want out of the relationship and stops me from living life?". Well, one cannot help when they love someone anymore than they can help when someone doesn't love them back. Whether you choose to act on those feelings is where your own personal responsibility comes in. He isn't stopping you from living you're life. YOU are stopping you from living your life. YOU are also the one that allows him to hurt you. Does he care about you? Sure, he probably does. But where people get confused in all of this affair business is that we expect behavior that is respectful out of someone that is proving themselves to be quite capable of being completely disrespectful i.e. he does have a wife at home that thinks he's committed to her. I would say that's fairly disrespectful, wouldn't you? I mean, let's look at it...he's probably been married to her for a long time. Years have been invested by her in this man. But he's been carrying on with you (and who knows if you're the first or only one at the present) for 5 years, I believe you said. So for 5 years she's been keeping his home, taking care of his children, taking care of him, all the while he's living a whole other life. They say behind every successful man, there's a woman, and it probably applies to him, too. I would guess that he's gotten pretty comfortable having her keeping the fire burning at home while being able to have his dalliances with you. Therefore, though he may feel a little bad for hurting you, he's gotten pretty darn confident that no matter...you'll still be there regardless of his actions (or in-actions) towards you.
As I'm sure you're well aware, affairs have their own little rules and procedures. When you're angry with your lover in a "real" relationship, you're able to express that to the person whenever you wish. Not wait for the time when he can be free to listen. If he really even wants to listen. You can have certain expectations of that person...expectations that in most affairs can't exist. If your lover doesn't show up in real relationships, well, they'll call you and most likely feel bad. In affairs, it's just how it is. Either he can get away when he said or he can't. But it's probably a pretty safe bet that if he can't, he won't be feeling nearly as bad as you do. Affairs are relationships on time schedules. And if you're single, then it's usually just on his. It's actually a fairly constricted and compartmentalized relationship. If one is ok with that, then there's no problem for them, but if one isn't, such as it seems to be with you, then it just leads to a lot of misery, which doesn't seem to equal the payoff of good that you feel in it.
It does seem clear that the only way for you to pull yourself out of this situation is to get another job. Maybe you're different, but there's no way I could get something or someone out of my system when I see them 5 days a week. Especially after having been in it for so long. It would take someone with superhuman strength, which I know I don't have. You probably don't, either. So if you are truly, truly wanting to move on in your life, I would polish up that resume and start looking. And the sooner the better, considering the economy, because it may take a while to find something else. You won't curl up and die if you move on. You WILL survive, and you WILL find happiness. And maybe, just maybe, you'll find someone who is just out there waiting for you. But if you don't...if you choose (that being the operative word) to stay stuck in this dead end relationship, then you'll probably find yourself sitting right where you are today, 5 more years from now, and all you will have gotten out of it is more hurt, more pain, more frustration and older.
So, you see, it is really up to you. Your friend sounds like a wise person. You need a lifestyle change (no more married men) AND a new job. Grab on to that with all your might and go full steam ahead. You can do it.
Sillyme:
You don't sound so silly. That was an excellent post, sounds like its from a woman who definately has been there done that and BEST of all...learned from it.
bravo...this should be mandatory reading for all single women who are having or have had affairs and feel stuck,
Lizzie
Hey HOW...good to See you again, though I'm sorry you are hurting.
I have little to add to the great insights you've received thus far.