Just need to vent
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| Fri, 10-24-2008 - 9:18pm |
I am not really looking for advice tonight, I just need to vent as I am hurting pretty bad and trying not to lose this grip that I have. I fear if I let it go, I will not stop crying. I have been on the verge and just stop it as soon as it starts.
I have posted my issue before here when the trolls were out and two sweeties responded via e-mail.
I did not talk to AP last weekend. I had no desire to. I was in too much pain and it looks like alot of the same this weekend again.
We did talk(IM) during the week and had a really great, open conversation about him having another AP. I love him so much that I do not want to let him go. He feels the same. We have a very long history. He needs someone closer to him. Ours is kind of a LDA. I am just crushed that he has someone else and he is building this bond with her. I wonder if she knows about me. I so want to know if she does and how she feels about him having 2 women. He and I are friends on a networking site, so I know of her because of that. I know that they meet for lunch a couple of times a week. I know they share a common difficult bond.

Hugs to you sweetie. I'm sorry you're in this much pain.
Pisces
ugh, i got choked up reading this, because I fear one day I will be going through this much pain and I wont know what to do to heal it. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I am confident you will come out of this a stronger person.
flygal711
Sorry you are hurting sweetie. I think you've got more than one thing you are battling here. First is the long distance, which makes it worse, it's not like you can see him with any regularity.
Then, he is talking about this other woman, which, A or not, has to hurt. He's trying to be honest, which we need to give him kudos for that, I would think that in other situations, a LDA, the man could have someone closeby and most of us would never know.
If he is trying to be there for you in some respects, maybe just take it a little at a time. You could continue to stay in touch, but realize that's what it is. Don't let your mind race ahead to what if's and forevers, because for anyone in an A it is darned difficult.
I've had those weekends when the couch seems like it's the most exciting thing going, but if you've got friends, then gussy yourself up and go out with them. Because even in an R, a gal's gotta have a night out with the girls. No harm, no foul. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for the posts, everyone. Whynt78, I think I am going to see about going out tonight with the girls. I do need some form of distraction. Drinks, dancing, flirting....
I will only put this out there to you guys because I know I won't do it, I just think about doing it. I have visions of just e-mailing his other AP and asking if she knows about our relationship. Or asking her if she knows that she is one of 3. Or asking her if she would put up with it. I also have thoughts about finding another AP myself just to make him jealous. Or to share with him that H and I have been having more frequent pleasurable sex(which is true). But only to see if it will make him jealous.
But deep down, while I have these vile thoughts in my head, I could never follow through with any of it. First, I would not contact her because I just feel like he needs to be open with her too like he was with me. Second, I am just NOT interested in any other men, no matter how good looking or how great he may be. And then I don't have the heart to consciously try to hurt him or make him jealous. I just cannot do that to him. He tells me that I am his number one love. That he loves me more than anyone. And I believe him. Maybe I shouldn't, but there is just too much history and too many secrets not to believe him.
I keep hoping that he will feel bad and WANT to stop hurting me......but if he is OK with cheating on his wife, why wouldn't he have an issue with hurting me? I don't think he realizes just HOW badly this is affecting me. Or he chooses not to see it. He thinks I am being irrational. I don't think I am anymore.
I guess I'm done venting for now.
boy...I hope you soon will have the courage to get and then listen to