just ranting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
just ranting
6
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 11:13am
I haven't been here much lately. Don't recognize many names!! Just feeling the need to get some things off my chest.

I have been in an A with a MM for almost 2 years now. Many ups and downs, with a 7 month period of no IC in the middle of it. For almost a year now, we have been keeping pretty steady on this roller-coaster.

We love each other. The word *love* actually seems too small to even describe it. That word is thrown around so easily at times. The way I feel about him is right up there with the way I feel about my children. If he were not in my life, I would be missing a piece of myself. I could survive, yes. I would and could move on. But nothing/no one would ever replace him and his place in my heart.

MM is still with his W "because of the kid". They all seem to do that huh??!! I do understand this. My head does anyway! I know how I feel about my own children, and when I divorced my xH I knew I would have full custody AND that our being apart would be better for them. He has none of those assurances.

My head has been spinning in circles lately. This endless circle of "how could he leave??, but...how could he NOT??". "How can I stay in this relationship if he's never leaving???...but how can I walk away from the most important person in my life??".

How ironic and unfair is it that this person came into my life and showed me how love and happiness can be, but I cannot have him in my life?!

I really think I need a break from it all. I KNOW I need a break from it all, but I have no idea how to even approach the subject with him. I do not want to walk away. I do not want to do anything that would mess up our chances if he ever does actually get the cajones to leave his W. I don't even want to be free to date anyone else at this point. I don't want to feel like I am running away when "things get tough". Because that is not the way to deal with trouble. I don't want to issue an ulitamatum. But I really believe he needs to get his head out of his a$% and make a decision. With me here, what the heck is his incentive?? Seriously, he has his home, W, and child, and Me who gives him the things he doesn't get there. The man has it all. Why rock the boat?

I am ranting and rambling a little here. But it comes down to, I DON'T have it all. He does. I love him and don't know what the heck to do right now.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:01pm
You said......"How ironic and unfair is it that this person came into my life and showed me how love and happiness can be, but I cannot have him in my life?!" Boy, I could have written that line!!!! You do have him in your life though , as best as you can right now. Thats the part of ema's that suck is not being able to have them all the way. Its part of the territory. So the choice is yours...do you want him in your life, albiet in this little way you have now, or do you choose to leave the relationship in search of someone who can give themselves totally to you. No one can answer that for you, but you. Good luck hun, do what your heart tells you to do and what you feel is best for you. Thats all you can do.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 12:35pm

CFH,


If the bad outweighs the good it is time to let take a break from it. Life is too short to be spent trying to reach that unacheivable target. There is no simple way to tell it to him - just say it and let him react. I don't understand what you mean by he has it all - he likes to be in the status quo situation you both are in right now???


Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 5:13pm
No Love, he does not like the situation we are in any more than I do. By saying he has it all, I guess I meant it *feels to me* like he has it all. He has the W who cooks and cleans and takes care of his child. The house, and his toys. And then he has me, who loves and adores him, who gives him the affection and the sex. The feeling of being appreciated. The things he does not get much of at home.

In reality, I know he doesn't think he has it all. I know this is hard for him at times. He has it in his head that if he leaves, he won't get enough time with his child. But if he stays, he will eventually lose me.

As for the bad outweighing the good, I don't know if it is!!! That's my problem. The *bad* is only my own head running me in circles. The *good* is every minute I spend around him, or even just chatting with him.

But, yes, I do need a break from this. And I think I am writing to try to talk myself into doing it! If he "turns it on", I don't know how I could resist him! He's the one thing in my life I've never been able to resist.

Wish me luck.

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Sun, 02-08-2004 - 5:24pm
Good Luck to you too, CFH. You can do it!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:28am
"But nothing/no one would ever replace him and his place in my heart."

You know I once thought that about my X fiancée ( he is a single guy ) .

I thought I would never find the love and the great sex I had with him .

It took me 15 years to feel this way with a man ( and I dated a lot ) So when things didn't work out ( he broke off the marriage )

Needless to say I was heartbroken . I thought I would never ever in my life find a man I enjoy being with as I did with him ...........

and I didn't , until I met my MM ;-)

So with that said , I know you feel now that no on could ever replace him , but yes it can happen .

If it can happen to me someone who doesn't fall in love easily , someone who doesn't find that special sexual chemistry with just anyone .

I do believe you can find another who will make you feel the same ......but he also may not be single .

Yeah my MM also says he is staying because of the kid ..............and I wonder if it just their excuse because they know that we as women and mothers will understand and except this reason .

As I have said here before your MM should want to leave his wife not for you but for himself , because he isn't happy .

Yes it does feel unfair why did a MM have to come in my life ? Why couldn't I find a single guy that can make me feel like MM does ??

MM says to me , I wish it wasn't this way , I say that to him too .

But it is , and I have to decide stay or leave . Well no one said life is going to be perfect ;-(


If this R isn't fulfilling your needs and what you want from life and being that there is no way to change things ( unless he leaves his wife )

It isn't called running away from things when they get tough ... I think it is considered making a change in your life so that you are happy .


You say "why rock the boat" ?? well yeah he has it all, you don't . Does only his life count ?? yours doesn't ??

If your ok how things are , stay . but it doesn't sound like you are ok with it . Don't keep hoping/thinking IF he leaves , because he never may .

He can also promise he will and never will .............. and maybe he will leave someday .

But that is just maybe . Do you want to wait around to see what may or may not happen .


I am now with a MM , but it works for me for now because I don't have anyone else in my life . I do date , yes that is hard because I do wish it was MM , but I continue to date and hope that I will find again a special single guy and then MM will be history because I know he won't leave his wife and I don't want to be the rest of my life the OW ..........do you ??

xoxo ViperDiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 02-09-2004 - 1:47am
"He has the W who cooks and cleans and takes care of his child. The house, and his toys. And then he has me, who loves and adores him, who gives him the affection and the sex. The feeling of being appreciated. The things he does not get much of at home. "


That is how I feel about my MM , although they also have a housekeeper ;-)

With me he could have it all .......and I know you feel that way too . and it seems like no brainier . Really how much time do guys spend with their kids when they are at home ??

When he spends time with you , isn't that time he maybe could be with his kids ??

Men may have many reasons they prefer to stay an unhappy M . Money , Children , family .

Maybe they came from a "broken home" they don't want to do that to their family .

Maybe they came from a "perfect home" and they worry what their parents will say ( need to seek approval of parents ) and the list can go on and on .....but that fact is he is still with his W .

I know it can be hard , very hard , Hard to resist when he "turns it on" when I hear his voice ..because I tried, and I couldn't say no . BUT I did make the decision that for now I am ok with this but it will not be forever

I wish you luck in whatever you do decide to do ............ Keep us posted ;-)

ViperDiva

xoxo ViperDiva