Just sad

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
Just sad
5
Mon, 11-19-2012 - 5:23pm

Hi,

Like you, I find this board so challenging to use that I don't come here often.  I've also been working like crazy.

So my A and I are just at a stand-still.  The other day I had an idea - I'd ask him if he wants to be a father.  If he said no, than that's easy, I can walk away and say well, he doesn't so that's it.  But if he said he does then what?

My H and I are just so unhappy.  But this weekend I talked to a woman who ended a 15 year marriage 5 years ago and it was so painful. I wonder if it's worth it to put my family through that, even if it would make me happy.  I think I'm pretty good at playing the good wife and mother, and I wonder how I'd be able to accomplish as much as I can today if I didn't have an H at home.  This weekend I went to work at 1pm on Sunday and didn't get home until 1am (actually working with A, but not ourselves, with another person) and how could I do that if I was a single parent?

I feel very... flat.  It's so hard to stop talking to my A, and I crave the emails I get from him.  These last couple of weeks we started sending photos back and forth from our phones and it was just such a thrill to get them.  I tried sending a photo to my H the same way, and it was meh.  I didn't even want to open them.

I'm also worried about my A.  I don't want to hurt him, and this is all just not helping the situation.  It's funny - he sent an email from him and the other person we were working with (female) and I had a flash of jealousy that I wasn't there!  I didn't know what to think about that.

In terms of making myself happy as some of you mentioned, I just don't know if my personal happiness is worth disrupting my family over.  Why should I change things?  I just can't imagine how it would go better, and only see people thinking I'm a jerk for leaving H.  This past week someone told him he's the best H in the world. 

Undecided

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
In reply to: sunrise333
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 9:31am

sunrise, i'm so sorry you're going through this! sending hugs and good thoughts your way. only you can truly make the decision to leave your H, any advice here just take with a grain of salt. Maybe you should put your happiness first...and by having an A, how honest are you being to your husband? Is it better to stay in a marriage where it feels 'flat'/unhappy but safe, or to take a chance, learn how to be happy on your own, then find a chance at a better relationship again. It's such a tough decision to make, and I'm newly divorced myself so I know that even if a relationship is bad, it's so easy to stay b/c of all the crap you have to deal with when going through divorce. I found that one the ways I knew it was time to end my marriage was that if/when it ended with my AP, I would always be supect to another affair, b/c of how my needs weren't getting met. Putting your personal happiness first and foremost is not selfish, it is the right thing to do. Would ending your marriage cause short-term aggravation but eventual long-term happiness? It's something to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: sunrise333
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 10:41am

As someone who's been divorced twice, I can tell you it is not easy being a single parent.  My 1st DH decided he wanted a divorce (I still don't know why--he wasn't having an affair and there was no big issue) when our kids were 7 & 1--I really didn't even have a full time job then, but I did start working more.  Then a few years later I got remarried and that marriage was worse.  thankfully we were older & didn't have kids together so I don't have to deal with him--I do not regret getting divorced from him at all because I am much happier on my own.  I would really recommend counseling for you, if you're not already going, to figure out what you want.  I can tell you that you definitely won't be happy by continuing w/ the affair.  I'm sure there are some people who can have affairs just for the sexual fun and still stay married & some who are in really bad marriages who have affairs and then know they have to get out of their marriages & they probably would have eventually gotten divorced even if they didn't have an affair--maybe it was just the impetus they needed to do something.

If your marriage isn't terrible but isn't that great, then it's much harder to decide.  And you really have to decide irrespective of what your AP wants--because there is no guarantee that you're going to end up with him.  so you have to look at it like would you want to get a divorce even if it meant that you'd be single?  Most people would suggest that you break things off w/ the AP while you're deciding to get a divorce.  I'd also say that since you are having the affair, you are probably not putting any effort into your marriage and comparing your DH all the time unfavorably to your AP.  of course your marriage isn't going to be satisfying if you don't nurture it.  My personal opinion is that if your DH is a decent person, then it's terribly unfair to him to carry on an affair and not get divorced--if you're that unhappy w/ him, then do the right thing, go through the pain of getting a divorce and at least set him free to find a woman who might appreciate him.  You also need to think about that stuff--what if you get a divorce, your DH finds someone else, he ends up happily married, you don't end up w/ AP and you're splitting time w/ your kids?  You really have to think everything through because getting a divorce is not that fun either--but it would be way worse if you end up getting divorced cause your DH finds out you're having an affair--and then you really will look like the bad guy.  so be careful of what you are sending on your phone to the AP--if the head of the CIA couldn't prevent his affair from being discovered, then you probably can't either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
In reply to: sunrise333
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 1:04pm

Thank you both, I appreciate the responses and just being "heard."

My H is a great father, and does so many things for me.  Right now he's trying to "woo" me - flowers last week out of the blue, and today a little note on my desk (we work in the same company).

Over a year ago, before the A, I was already thinking along the lines of divorce, and began councelling.  I don't know where that's going, but it's not helping me make a decision.  I feel like I went back in time once the A started.

And yes, if the head of the CIA can be caught, so can I!  :)

My A, H and I all work at the same company and are all in the same technical field.  I think that even if I was divorced if I ended up with my A my H would always question what happened.  He's been suspicious of A for years and it's caused so much tension - even when nothing was happening.

I don't know how to break the cycle - I think about my A constantly.  When I go to sleep, in my dreams, when I wake up, during the day.  I have to stop myself from sending him little emails and photos (I'm trying to do that today, and I lasted until noon).

Our kids are little - 4 and almost 7.  They are so well behaved for others, and when we're not together, but become pretty awful and whiny when we are together.  I always thought we were OK, but I'm wondering if it's a sign that even others can pick up on our tension.

And with the "woo-ing" I'm just feeling nothing - no sparks, no happiness, no nothing.  I have been doing some amazing work things lately and receiving accolades, and H is there, but I just wish A was.

Thanks for listening guys, I really really appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2012
In reply to: collect_call
Wed, 11-21-2012 - 4:43pm

always glad to listen and respond, sunrise! i know your situation is very, very tough. do take care of yourself and keep us posted on everything!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2012
In reply to: sunrise333
Thu, 11-22-2012 - 5:21pm

Thanks.

Today the elevator doors opened and there he was.  He looked terrible - just really run down and tired.  We walked to a meeting together, and he was very antsy and left early.

It was physically painful to see him leave - I got all anxious and worried.  And I spent the rest of the day just trying not to find him.  I brok down and sent an email at 3pm, and have held my breath until he answered - at 4.  He said that his problems are "outside" of what he can talk to me about.  I have no idea - we've shared so much, what can't he talk to me about? 

I get upset and anxious over this.  I'm at such a loss - I'm worried he's just going to disappear out of my life and I... I don't know what I'd do. 

I'm sure I'm not helping - but I don't know what to do here.  Should I just try and not say anything and wait?  Sometimes I wonder why I can't voice my feelings or concerns - why do I just sit and wait for him to contact me? 

I feel like such a disaster.