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|Mon, 11-19-2012 - 5:23pm|
Like you, I find this board so challenging to use that I don't come here often. I've also been working like crazy.
So my A and I are just at a stand-still. The other day I had an idea - I'd ask him if he wants to be a father. If he said no, than that's easy, I can walk away and say well, he doesn't so that's it. But if he said he does then what?
My H and I are just so unhappy. But this weekend I talked to a woman who ended a 15 year marriage 5 years ago and it was so painful. I wonder if it's worth it to put my family through that, even if it would make me happy. I think I'm pretty good at playing the good wife and mother, and I wonder how I'd be able to accomplish as much as I can today if I didn't have an H at home. This weekend I went to work at 1pm on Sunday and didn't get home until 1am (actually working with A, but not ourselves, with another person) and how could I do that if I was a single parent?
I feel very... flat. It's so hard to stop talking to my A, and I crave the emails I get from him. These last couple of weeks we started sending photos back and forth from our phones and it was just such a thrill to get them. I tried sending a photo to my H the same way, and it was meh. I didn't even want to open them.
I'm also worried about my A. I don't want to hurt him, and this is all just not helping the situation. It's funny - he sent an email from him and the other person we were working with (female) and I had a flash of jealousy that I wasn't there! I didn't know what to think about that.
In terms of making myself happy as some of you mentioned, I just don't know if my personal happiness is worth disrupting my family over. Why should I change things? I just can't imagine how it would go better, and only see people thinking I'm a jerk for leaving H. This past week someone told him he's the best H in the world.