Just an update
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| Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:39pm |
All in all, I'm feeling as good as can be expected. I know I still have lonely and sad moments ahead. Telling my son will probably be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But I know I'm strong and I believe in this so I will get through it. And my W and I have agreed we will do whatever is necessary to make this easier on him. We won't fight in front of him ever and we won't use him as a weapon. I love my son more than anything and my greatest hope is that in the long term he'll be able to see both his mother and father in truly loving, committed relationships that will be models for him when he is grown.
I hope that as I move forward I will also be continuing to build a R with the woman I used to refer to as OW. I never liked calling her that because I never viewed her that way. She has my love and my respect and once I knew the depth of my feelings for her, I refused to consider my R with her an A, even if it did start that way. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'm going to fight for my future with her. I believe she is worth all the difficulty we're going through now. But if in the end we aren't together, I will still be eternally grateful to her for showing me what a R should be like between two people. For showing me that there truly is someone on this planet who can complete me and make me feel like I'm a good person. She is without question the greatest person I have ever known. I only hope that I can come back here in 5 years or so and announce our engagement. :)
Well, I suppose I'll get going. I had some time on my hands and I thought you all deserved an update. I truly value each of you who has taken the time to respond to me. Every thought and idea that was well-meaning was very much appreciated. Good luck to all of you as you move forward with your current situations. I'll be here to respond to any who need help. I can't always reply to every post, but I do my best. Thanks again.

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Hi Omaha...
It sounds like things have fallen into place as best they can and your post has a sense of peace to it. Glad the W if cooperating and I am very impressed with the maturity in which it is being handled between the two of you.
I think it take such guts to leave a marriage and forge ahead into uncharted territory. I envy your strength! I have a male friend who is in the last days before his divorce is about to be final and he is down and depressed even though he is the one who left, it is to be expected that you mourn the loss of a M that just didn't work no matter how hard you tried. Once you get past the sense of failure, the tides will change and things will be great. I am so happy you on the road to your own happiness, glide over the potholes (god know Omaha got enough of them!) and it will be smooth sailing.
Omawxgirl
My friend and inspiration... I might be physically out of the house before you, but it's really been your courage facing down a lot more than I have to that's made me feel stronger about doing this.
I'm glad to hear you're moving forward and that the W is starting to relent and understand. I guess sometimes we might be married to the wrong person but that doesn't make then the devil...it's good that you and she both seem to realize that since you have children to think of. I really get that mixed emotion thing, too.
It's good man. I'm really happy for you. This universe seems to have thrown the people at this board together at just the right time, and we're all kind of stumbling along together right now. Thanks for the update, and again, congratulations.
rain
I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to ask a question. I know you went through a period of NC with your OW while you and your W went through counseling. I was just wondering how long the NC lasted and how long you were in counseling. My MM and his W are currently in counseling. Although he and I still communicate some, it has been sporadic. At the same time, I'm trying to focus on my own M and try to determine whether it can be strengthened. My situation isn't quite the same as yours, however you might be able to give me some insight as to what MM is going through.
Thanks for your help - and good luck with everything!!!
GB2
Though i haven't written you before, I have read all your posts.
Hot
I've mentioned you and your story with my MM. He also has a young son at home and he is going through the consideration of being with me. He has no problems leaving his W but it hurts him to think of leaving his 15 month old son, so I suggested that we leave everything as-is. We don't know what the future will bring but for now...his place is with his son. To be honest, I don't think I can leave my H. We don't have kids but he is a wonderful man and the thought of crushing him by leaving hurts me. I love my MM but for now, we have to continue this and it does hurt us both that we can't be together. We recognize that we are soul mates and love each other so that's good enough for now.
I hope you don't mind me sharing this with you but he is getting pressure to have a second child. He wants a sibling for his son and before I came along...the plan was to have two kids. Now that I am in his life, he's not sure if he wants a second child anymore. He has been avoiding it for a year now but cannot explain to anyone (especially his W) why he is now fighting this idea. The thoughts going through his head are: 1)What if he does end up leaving someday? It's better to just keep the children involved at one. 2)He knows he would break my heart if he did have a second child because I don't think I can stick around for that.
I feel terrible that he is in this position and don't really know how to help him except to be there. But my support, unfortunately, does not take the pressure off at home.
THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR THOUGHTS WITH US.
I wish you all the best! I am "new" to this board-but you are one of only two people who responded to my "post" and I REALLY appreciated your advice! Please "write" me - if possible(?!) I wish you all the happiness in the world! Good Luck!!!
Your friend,
Charmed!
You have been an inspiration to me as well. I think perhaps you and I are on parallel paths. Our details and situations may be different, but ultimately we're doing the most difficult thing we could imagine because we know it is the right thing. I urge you to stay strong. I am not out of the house yet so I haven't fully faced my fears the way you have. I haven't had to spend nights alone in a quiet apartment. But I'm as ready for that as I could ever be. I think it is just important that when you get weak and feel like running back, you remember the reasons you left. And remember that those reasons aren't resolved and even if you do go back, you're going to end up leaving once again. And that would hurt your W even more. I know that when my dad moved out, he came back a couple of months later and stayed again for 6 months. Then he left for good. I won't make that mistake and you shouldn't either.
I really believe that my path is in front of me. Now I just have to take it. I'm hoping that the light at the end of the tunnel will grow brighter as I go. My OW has been so great through all of this. She has friends telling her that I'll never actually leave and I'm just using her. She knows that nothing could be further from the truth. So that is the other thing that gives me strength. I've already made so many mistakes in my life, including marrying the wrong person. I won't let the right one get away because I am weak.
Again, thank you for your kind words and know that I'm here if you ever need to talk. You can e-mail me through this site if you ever need to too. It's so nice to have this support network. I probably won't always be here, but even as my R progresses down the road, I can't imagine ever finding a better group of people so I won't be going to any other boards. This is my new online home. :)
First, thank you for your support. The responses I got to this post have been so kind and overwhelmingly supportive. I am terribly worried about my children. If you could see me with my son, you'd know why. He and I are as close as any father and child could be. I am so proud of the person he already is and I can't wait to see the person he becomes. I guess at this point I feel that while me leaving will be difficult for him, he's going to be better for it down the road. I plan on finding a R and hopefully a M that will be a model for how his R's will be down the road. And I truly believe my W will find someone like that too. She is very cautious, but she is a good person.
To answer your question, my period of NC wasn't all that long. I started counseling in January and by mid-February, we were back in contact. The reason it was so short was because of how the counseling went though. I knew after the first few sessions that my feelings and instincts had been dead-on. The counselor was able to tell right away that my W and I were vastly different and from the beginning she told me she didn't think my W would ever truly understand what I needed and wanted in a R, let alone be that kind of person for me. So once I decided I would be leaving, I contacted IS (I don't want to call her OW anymore, that isn't what she is to me). IS had been miserable without me, as I had been without her. We talked and agreed we needed to see each other again to make sure we wanted to try to get through this period and then begin to date down the road. Well once we were together, all doubts were gone. We complete each other in every way. We are compatible and have the same values. We can talk for hours and make love for almost as long. It truly was a life-changing trip. Since then, we have communicated via phone and instant messenger. And I e-mail her at least once each day. She knows I am moving out and it is a relief to her. I know that from her point of view, every step I take helps.
I don't know if that is helpful to you or not, but that is my story. I wish you luck in everything you are facing. I know it is so difficult to face your problems, even if you know it is what you must do. Whatever the outcome, I hope you can find happiness.
BTW - I usually refer to MM as MF (My Friend) because I don't like the MM designation. So I completely understand your preference to refer to OW as IS. I think that is great!
Again, I wish you the best of luck with everything. I'm sure I speak for more than just myself when I say I really hope you'll stick around. Your experiences and point of view have been invaluable to so many of us.
GB2
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