Just an update

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Just an update
16
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:39pm
I just wanted to update all of you who care and have listened and offered support in the past. I am now moving out on May 15. I put a deposit down on a beautiful two bedroom apartment where I can bring my kids on my days of custody. My W has been up and down in discussions regarding the children and money, but lately she has been very good. She has admitted to me that when she threatened me with the children in the past it was because she was scared to be alone and promised me she wouldn't actually keep them from me because she knows what a great dad I am and that they will need me. So tentatively we have agreed that I will have my 5 year old every Tuesday and Wednesday night and every other Friday and Saturday night. And when my other son is born, he will remain in the house with her the first 8 weeks and I'll come over for feedings and to put him to bed 4 nights a week or so. After those 8 weeks, he will stay with me every Tuesday night and every other Friday and Saturday night for the first year or so. After that he will join the same schedule as my older son. We have also agreed on no child support because I will be paying for half the daycare, half the diapers, half the formula and half of any other expenses. I have most of the furniture I will need to set up my apartment and will have enough money to get started.

All in all, I'm feeling as good as can be expected. I know I still have lonely and sad moments ahead. Telling my son will probably be the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. But I know I'm strong and I believe in this so I will get through it. And my W and I have agreed we will do whatever is necessary to make this easier on him. We won't fight in front of him ever and we won't use him as a weapon. I love my son more than anything and my greatest hope is that in the long term he'll be able to see both his mother and father in truly loving, committed relationships that will be models for him when he is grown.

I hope that as I move forward I will also be continuing to build a R with the woman I used to refer to as OW. I never liked calling her that because I never viewed her that way. She has my love and my respect and once I knew the depth of my feelings for her, I refused to consider my R with her an A, even if it did start that way. I don't know what the future holds, but I know I'm going to fight for my future with her. I believe she is worth all the difficulty we're going through now. But if in the end we aren't together, I will still be eternally grateful to her for showing me what a R should be like between two people. For showing me that there truly is someone on this planet who can complete me and make me feel like I'm a good person. She is without question the greatest person I have ever known. I only hope that I can come back here in 5 years or so and announce our engagement. :)

Well, I suppose I'll get going. I had some time on my hands and I thought you all deserved an update. I truly value each of you who has taken the time to respond to me. Every thought and idea that was well-meaning was very much appreciated. Good luck to all of you as you move forward with your current situations. I'll be here to respond to any who need help. I can't always reply to every post, but I do my best. Thanks again.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 8:55am
Omaha,

I am so happy for you forging ahead in your new life. I am so proud of you for keeping your children so close to you...you are to be commended for that. The way you and your W are handling the custody is great because it will make the D much easier (and we know that D's are never easy). I appreciate every kind word and bits of advise you have given me. Even though we never officially met face to face, I still feel as if we have become friends. The best of luck to you and much love and happiness to follow.

Keep in touch and post from time to time. You will be very much missed.

NRY
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:01am
Omaha,

I'm so happy to hear how smoothly things are becoming for you.I'm glad you worked out the custody situation.

Renee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:29am
I may be the only pessimist here, or maybe a realist.

It will be worse than you can expect or imagine. I don't wish you ill, I just believe that you are dreaming if you think it will go as smoothly as it sounds.

No child support? What about your other son? He's not using the diapers or the formula. After a while, when your wife (yes she is your wife) realizes that she is alone and you are moving on with your other woman (and that she is until you are divorced), things will not be going so smoothly. All the moments you are not there when your sons need you. When your 5-year old gets off the bus from school and had a boy pick on him and needs his dad to talk to, your wife will not be so easy on you then.

Then, your girlfriend. Will she love your children as her own? Will they remind her of your wife.

You sir, I fear are not truly seeing this from all angles.

Of all the support you have received maybe my message comes across hurtful and non-supportive. I am being completely honest with you. You should know all of this so you are not blind-sided as it happens.

And, for the child support, you will be paying that sooner or later. Keep that in mind. As you find new happiness and your wife struggles with two sons, the gloves will come off and it won't be the rose-colored glasses your are now seeing through.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 11:40am
I appreciate what you are saying and let me respond to some of them.

First of all, I don't expect this to be easy at all. As I said, I know that I have pain and sadness ahead. But through it all, I have resolve because I know this is the right thing for all involved.

Second, I will be paying half of everything for both of my children. Diapers and formula were just examples. They will both be living with me half the time so of course I'll be paying for half.

Third, I will not be moving on with IS openly until well after my divorce is final. I will be seeing her on my weekends alone but not here in my hometown. So my W is not going to know about this. That doesn't mean she won't be alone and I hope she is ultimately able to move on. But I can't be responsible for her happiness.

Fourth, if either of my sons ever needs me, of course I will be there. I will be living 5 minutes away and if my son gets home and needs me, he can call me. If he wants me to come over and talk, I will if she will let me. And he'll be staying with me two nights a week anyway.

Finally, I think you are seeing this through clouded lenses yourself. You're thinking of a typical custody scenario where the W has full custody and the H only has visitation. We are doing true shared custody where I will have my kids almost half the time. Also, one other thing I haven't mentioned is my W does make significantly more money than I do. So child support, if it were awarded, would be awarded to me. I, of course, don't want it. I only want the time with my children. I'm also walking away from equity in our house and the half the savings I'm entitled to. So she is not the only one sacrificing.

I know that there will be many hard days ahead. The day I tell my son. The day I move out. My first day alone. The first time I have to take my son back to his mom's house after my days of custody. The day my next son is born. Coming over to her house to do feedings at night. And so many other days that will be difficult. But difficult doesn't equate to wrong. Sometimes the most important things we do are also the hardest. I do appreciate what you are saying. But I don't need reminders of the pain I'm going to be facing. I will deal with that everyday. I come here for support and that is why you see so many positive messages here. I'm not being critical of you, just explaining why you felt like the pessimist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 4:33pm
Rose, you didn't seriuosly expect omaha to print out the details of his child custody agreement, did you?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
In reply to: omahamm
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 5:16pm
Omaha -- just wanted to wish you the best. You're embarking on a whole new journey, and I know you must be filled with wonder and dread. But you are a tremendously strong man, a loving and devoted partner and father, and a pillar of strength in times of trouble. As you go through the next few months, please try to remember to be as good to yourself as you are to those around you. My thoughts and prayers remain with you during your time of transition.

Pages