Just Venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Just Venting
13
Thu, 04-24-2014 - 5:23pm

I met a man at work unexpectedly two and a half years ago. There was great chemistry between us and we were both very attracted to each other. I was single and he was married. I didn’t know he was married in the beginning. I found out after I gave him my phone number and he called me and we spoke on the phone for the first time. I chose to continue talking to him because I liked him so much and he felt the same way about me. I knew I would be entering an affair that would have to be kept secret, but I didn’t want to walk away even though I knew that would have been the noble thing to do. I felt confident no one would find out and so far no one has.

Our affair began...it’s an EA mostly. He is tied down to his family and work and because of this we got together in person four times outside of work in two and a half years. I don’t see him at work anymore because he left for another job soon after we met. We’ve had sex three times and each time was unfulfilling for me. It’s not really about sex. I am not in love with him because I have not spent much time with him in person to fall in love. I consider him a friend…one who I catch up with every so often. I am still attracted to him and still feel the desire to talk to him, be with him, and to just get to know him better as time goes on. It’s hard to really get to know him though when we can’t be together in person.

Eight months after I met MM…I ended up meeting a great, single man. Things started off slow between us, but six months after I met SM we began an exclusive relationship and we have been living together for almost seven months now. Things are really good and I am genuinely happy.  However, I think about MM a lot. I did tell MM a long time ago that I was feeling guilty for cheating on my boyfriend. Since then the contact between us has diminished, but it’s still there. The sad thing about this situation is that I do not want to end contact…even though I now have this amazing life with this amazing man. I do feel guilty at times, but only at times…

I have stopped doing certain things that I used to do with MM…like I won’t be the first to reach out to him anymore, I won’t insinuate anything anymore, and I won’t call him names like Sexy anymore.

I do miss him terribly. I miss the way we made each other feel. This is going back to two and a half years ago when things were exciting when we first met and we would see each other at work. I never got to know him the way I wanted to. We never had the chance. And even with a new man in my life now…my feelings haven’t changed.

I just have to bend my head over and plow through this. I hope this board will be with me along the way. I don’t know how long MM will be in my life, even if it’s a very little part of my life…which feels so much bigger.    

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Fri, 05-09-2014 - 1:39pm

I know you are right Chasing Mya. But I am on the MAS board and not the EAS board for a reason. I really don't want to let him go.

It's funny how you mention he was in my life for a reason. In my first post I mentioned when we met I was single. That wasn't entirely true. I was with my ex at the time, but I broke up with him shortly after meeting AP. It was an easy break...we weren't married, we weren't living together, etc. It was the right thing to do. It would have happened eventually, but it always seemed to me that AP acted as the catylist that made it happen sooner rather than later. And I really was grateful. But I didn't think AP would stick around for this long. I won't go into detail, but in the future AP's life situation with his work and family may change and it may be easier for us to really get to know each other. I think that's why I am keeping in touch with him? I mentioned before that I still have the desire to be with him and get to know him better. Sometimes I feel like I'm being just plain stupid about this whole thing, while other times I feel like I am right on track. I am an intuitive person and have always relied on my gut feeling. And I just don't want to end contact with him. I feel like THAT would actually be the stupid thing to do, believe it or not.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 3:03pm
Hi, If you want to put all your focus and energy into your BF you will have to let MM go. You are allowing him to rent space in your mind and giving him so much power. He was in your life for a reason and perhaps he has served his purpose. If you really want to give your BF 100% you may have to cut off all contact. Could that be a possibility for you?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Thu, 05-08-2014 - 6:57am

Everyone involved in an affair knows they are taking a risk, but given the situation I am in...I want to be safe enough to hide the affair.

Even though I don't talk to AP often or see him, I look forward to it. It's something I look forward to. I like having him in my life.

I know he is not worth what I would lose if things went sour. I also know he feels the same way about me. Oh well! We are here anyway. It's the MAS board.

I talked to him on the phone. I explained my POV. Will he delete the emails? Probably not. But he won't reply to any old ones I sent him anymore.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
In reply to: khatru1
Wed, 05-07-2014 - 3:03pm

Don't you find it strange that you say you do not want to take ANY chances, and yet here you are staying in contact with an affair partner? Doesn't that constitute a "chance"??

You will never ever truly know if he really has or ever will delete all your old emails. You must come to that realization right now. If he hasn't deleted them by now, he never will, unless his wife finds them. Why would he delete them? He knows you will never find out if he actually did, and they provide him a thrill to go back and read. That's why he replied back to you with "thanks for the advice". In other words, whatever, I'm keeping all of them. When you being it up on the phone to him, he'll say ok sure I will delete them, and then he won't.

The risk/reward ratio here just does not seem tipped in your favor.

Reward side: You are rarely and sporadically in contact and you don't see him. So what do you get out of it?

Risk side: he is sending you emails with your old emails attached and quoted with your name clearly there, where one day your BF could stumble upon. Then you have texts, and calls.

I think you are risking alot here, I think we would all like for you to really believe it is worth it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Thu, 05-01-2014 - 7:50am

Blondegreen,

I want to put all of my energy into my new relationship and I think I do physically and emotionally for the most part. But mentally I'm not so sure because I think of MM. My boyfriend means the world to me. I love him so much, but I think it has something to do with wanting what I never had. It feels like human nature. I'm sure if I got to know MM better I would naturally fall out of that funk of wanting to talk to him, see him, etc.

I mentioned in my first post that things between me and SM started off slow. During those months when it was slow between us all I could think about and all I cared about was SM and wanting more of him and having him in my life. MM was on the back burner. Now that I have SM and have been with him my senses turn elsewhere. It's like I am taking what I have for granted. I know I am, but I don't know how to mentally control it.

I had a scare a couple months ago. I won't go into detail, but I thought my boyfriend was in an accident because he was not returning my calls or answering my texts, which is not like him. I remember how terrible I felt and thought I would give anything to go back to how things were. And I felt so stupid for thinking about another man during the times we were together. It's like my mind was cleared for the first time in a long time. But then once I realized everything was okay and life got back to normal I ended up resorting back to my old routine...which was thinking about MM and looking forward to talking to him again.

So my question is...do you know what I could do so that I can put ALL of my energy into my boyfriend?   

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Tue, 04-29-2014 - 6:55am

I don't mind him contacting me. That is not an issue if his number or email pops up on my phone. Yes, I replied and told him what was on my mind. He got back to me yesterday after I posted on here. Regarding the issue he said "Thanks for the advice." He doesn't say much over email/text. He is more personal. So next time I talk to him on the phone I will bring it up.

When we first met I was single. So I really didn't have much to lose. I didn't care so much about certain things like him holding onto old emails. Now I see things differently since I have a relationship of my own. I just don't want to take ANY chances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 4:29pm

How do you feel about him contacting you? How about his lack of explanation? Did you reply? 

Sorry for all of the questions , just trying to see how you feel about everything. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Mon, 04-28-2014 - 2:09pm

He sent me an email over Easter weekend. He just asked how I was and said Happy Easter. I received it when I was sitting on the couch next to my boyfriend. As I quickly read it, I noticed his email was a reply to an email I sent him a long time ago...where I addressed him as sexy and talked about a motel we could possibly go to. I told him once and I emailed him to tell him again that he should delete ALL emails and everything that involve me. Granted it's his secret email account, who cares? Why risk it? I hate the fact that he saves emails. And my email address has my first and last name. How hard is it to hit the delete button? I never heard back from him, so I don't know his view on the situation.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2014
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 7:20am

Holding onto that feeling the he is the one that got away, will only keep that feeling alive and give it power. If you accept his part in your life has passes you free yourself. You are not forgetting about him and the part he played in your life, you are loving yourself enough to let go and live the life you deserve. 

Would you hold onto to the string of a balloon that lost all of it's hellium or would you put it aside and remember the joy it gave you when you had it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2013
Fri, 04-25-2014 - 6:45am

I will try to take your advice. I do feel as though he was the one that got away, but obviously we were never meant to be. 

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