Just Venting

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Just Venting
3
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:31pm
I just need to vent!!!

I'm getting so frustrated with this so called relationship with me & MM. I don't get it!!!

It started out as purely physical just over a year ago, but has developed into something more for me lately. I laid my cards on the table in a letter and he didn't recipricate the feelings...which is fine. I struggled with it at first, but I already know how he feels by his touch, the looks, etc.

Well...not too long ago I complained about needing consistency and he's done a good job at being more consistent, calling more often etc. I am just confused as hell though because I know eventually I'll have to walk away and wash my hands clean of this situation but I'm not ready yet. He's become a big part of my life that I don't want to let go. He's never going to leave her.

I recently moved offices and am now just around the corner from his. This wasn't my doing at all. We now share a kitchen and I know I'll end up running into him everyday. Before, we both had to make an effort to see each other. I like the idea of being in his area and seeing him more often, but hate it at the same time because I know it's going to be even harder to walk away.

I wish I could just make a decision to either go with it and stop trying to control it or to just walk away. It's sooooo hard! I am a good looking girl and have plenty opportunities to date other men, but I just haven't been able get involved with anyone else because I'm so wrapped up in him! ARRRRRRGHHHHHHH.

I feel like there's a reason we've crossed paths and I want to ride the wave and see what happens but my head tells me this is nuts and is not good for anyone involved.

Does anyone else go back and forth like this??? One day I can't wait to see him, the next day I question his motives and am ready to call it quits. I don't get it.

Today, he called me and asked me to stop by his office. I hadn't been to his office in a while. I noticed a new addition of a nice little family portrait of them and the freakin' dog. Nice happy family. I actually told him that was a nice picture and asked when it was taken....Christmas time. Interestingly enough, we were very hot and heavy over the holidays. How the hell does this work?????





iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:34pm
bhappy, what do YOU want out of this relationship with MM? What are your expectations? Where are you expecting it to lead to? How much time are you prepared to spend in a relationship, which will never be any more than what you have today, with this MM?

You say he doesn't reciprocate the feelings you detailed to him in a letter - did he specifically say he doesn't, or did he simply not respond in kind? Either way, he's given you his answer loud and clear. You just need to hear it. You didn't say if he called you to his office for some legitmate work purpose, or if it was just to catch up. But, the fact that he had the 'happy family kodak moment' sitting on his desk was his way, perhaps subconsciously, of driving home the message to you about where his heart and his future lay. If he was at all interested in pursuing any sort of romantic relationship with you, then he'd have put that photo in his draw, not had it proudly displayed on his desk when you were there.

You say you wish you could make the decision to either just go with it or to walk away. You can make that decision. Just do it! Decide what you want in your life, and do it. If you want to be the 'cake' for this cakeman, then you have to make sure you're happy with that. If you want more then walk away and start taking up some of those opportunities to date other men. Single men! Men who at least are available to reciprocate those feelings and be in an equal relationship. You may even have to force yourself to go a few dates to start with, but stick with it. Soon they'll be someone who is so taken with you, which will boost your ego so much that you'll forget MM even existed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
In reply to: bhappy2176
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:07am

hi bhappy -- honey, i have to agree with cheshierfire.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
In reply to: bhappy2176
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:36am
Aww, cmon, don't blame the dog will ya?? Poor thing did nothing to you. :) Chesire is right, do you want you want from the relationship? Even if you did know its hard sometimes. Hang in there and keep venting (if you need to).


Edited 3/10/2004 10:40 am ET ET by julietsfate