Just venting
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Just venting
| Wed, 03-03-2004 - 9:33am |
Hi all! Been married to H for almost 4 years. As soon as we tied the knot, I knew I had made a mistake. But then I heard that everyone feels that in the first year or so. Well, going on 4 years and I still feel like I made a huge mistake. I've been having an affair for about 2 yrs. I care about my H, but the mushy in love stuff is not there. I don't care if he's around, I don't care if he comes home. I know the only thing keeping me from leaving him is that I do not want to hurt him. I'm his first love, his only everything (ie. first kiss, first sexual partner in any sense of the word) And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man LOVES me. I mean LOVES, he tells me a hundred times a day, and even that pisses me off. I get so annoyed with everything he does, I don't even like to be around him when he's eating. But the thought of hurting him so deeply, I just can't seem to make myself do that. I honestly wish that he would start hating me a little. Or pulling away from me, or find another woman. Is it bad when you wish daily that your H will cheat on you??? It's not even to justify myself, I don't need justification for something I am unwilling to give up. I told him we needed marriage counseling, and he just doesn't understand what for. I went alone for a while, but it was more of a hassle with H than anything. He wanted to know everything that was said in my sessions. I confessed to the counselor that I was in the midst on an affair, and she told me that I needed to end it because I chose H for better or worse, and this is just the worse before the better. She also told me that people who were surveyed to be extremely unhappy in their marriages were surveyed 5 years later and their opinion when from unhappy to very satisfied. Well I eventually quit going because H would grill me when I got home and it was more of a bother, and it wasn't really helping, probably BECAUSE I am unwilling to give up OM. I tell H a lot, that I'm not happy,and then I notice that he's trying, TRYING to make things better. But it's not working. I know I don't even deserve him. I should be happy to have a man feel that kind of love for me so strongly, but we just don't click I guess. I don't understand how he can be so happy with me, when I am so damn miserable with him. I don't know what I'm asking for. I guess I just need to vent.

hi bad kitty -- and you're not a bad kitty, unless you're climbing the curtains and scratching up the furniture!!
first of all, that counselor wasn't much good to you.
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
jen