just when i needed him the most

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
just when i needed him the most
7
Fri, 03-21-2014 - 11:05pm

Just when I need MM the most he pulls away with no reason. We have been together for 5 years and he has held my hand through every good and bad thing that has happened in my life. But a few weeks ago i was in a car accident & ended up fighting for my life. I reached to him when they relized just how bad things really had become. I did not go in to detail as i knew he would be home with his children. But said " I'm in hosptial not doing well please call or text when you can" all he text back was okay. During that week I did not hear from him. All I have gotten out of him is I am glad your okay.  I almost die and the man i love not only cant bring himself to come see me or even call me too see how i am.

I have too have contact with him for ordering parts so it makes it hard as my company looks down on even being friends with our suppliers. So I do have to be carful.

Why would someone who has always been there for me bail just when i need him the most. I want to talk to him about this but besides being selfish I can not see any reason why he should not have been by my side holding my hand or at least call me to see how i was doing.  Am i wrong for wanting answers after 5 years.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
Tue, 04-01-2014 - 2:14pm

Hi Firefly, I'm sure after 5 years you must of never expected him to pull away like this especially after such an awful accident. I hope you are doing better and wish you a speedy recovery. There are many reasons why he could of pulled away but please make sure to place your health 1st. If your not well internally your physical will take longer to heal. If I were you I'd stop contacting him. His actions are saying alot. If he really wanted to reach out to you believe me, he would of found a way.  Continue on your road to recovering and try hard to resist contacting him. I know easier said than done but you don't need the added stress to hinder you from getting better. I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 3:29pm

We did talk but due to people being in ears shot we did not get very far. I just tried to explain how things have been , how i feel like my life has changed for reasons i did not know i felt alone.  I do not think he fully understood what i was trying to get across.

 I have been the OT for a very long time and know where at least I use to stand in the order of things in his life. While it would never be first or second it sure as heck was never last. He keeps pulling away after any contact , will stop texting when I say we should or maybe we could meet up for a drink. His boss came in the other day and asked me if I knew what was going on with him. He has been distant with them also. I tried to act like i had no idea what he was talking about but they know I am his " best friend" . I just told his boss I wish I knew he had been the same way with me lately.

 I will not know what happened or is going on with him or us until I can see him alone face to face. But with him avoiding it, I feel the end of "us" is here. With every tear I cry over missing or needing him is one that i should never have cried to begin with. When or if he comes around it may be too late.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
Thu, 03-27-2014 - 4:29pm

Hi fireflyme, sorry you had to deal with an accident and glad to hear you are doing fine. Have you heard from AP yet? Don't forget he's not single, and sometimes they can't be there for us when we need them the most, that's part of being in an affair. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2005
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 9:08pm

I do have to say it was a very painful wake up call that I loved him more then he loved me. I have always been the I know my place on the list of priortys and knew it was after work wife kids family . I knew the way things where he would not leave his wife because of the children if she left that would be another thing he would sign the papers as long as he had 50 % custody.

I also know this is going to sound funny but for 5 years we have been best friends which means some of my family know about him, his mother & father and friends all know i am his best friend. If we were just anout sex i think i would understand and not have such an issue with it. Our A was 90% emotional and 10% about the sex he held my hand when i buried my father last year, he has been my shoulder to cry on, friend to lean on , an ear to listen, arms to hold me tight and tell me everything is going to be alright. it was nice while it lasted painful it is over while it has taught me a lot of painful lessons lately it also proved to me that i can love again. just next time he needs to be single

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 11:26am

I was wife to a man like that!  As the others said, you're a diversion, and his family is his reality.  THEY are what's important to him, you're just sex on the side, and you don't nag him about bills, things in the house that need to be taken care of, spending some time with his kids, etc.  His wife does all that.  His wife probably also knows he's cheating, and she's waiting for him to get tired of you.  When I finally got tired of it and filed for divorce, he BEGGED me not to do it.  He cried, he even threatened to do "something drastic".  If a man is TRULY unhappy in his marriage, he will end it ASAP to be with someone else.  If a man has a 5 year affair with no mention of divorce, then you're nothing to him.  He's showed you how much you mean to him!  He might be seen visiting you by someone he knows.  My ex bailed on HIS g/f when she was diagnosed w/breast cancer!  Nice guy, just like yours.  He found another one quickly, and when I went thru with the divorce, he remarried w/in a month after the divorce.  SHE divorced him too, when she found out that being the girlfriend was a lot more fun than being the wife!!!  Be glad he showed you his true colors, and treat him like the business associate that he is......and always was.  This was your wake-up call!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 8:59am

I would guess because he doesn't want to deal with real problems.  The AP is the fun diversion.  He has to deal with real life problems with his DW & family, you are just supposed to be fun.  And I don't think he could really come to see you in the hospital thinking that maybe your family members would be there.  I think this should be the realization that you might love him a lot more than he loves you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2010
Sat, 03-22-2014 - 3:16am

I'll point out the obvious here: Why in the world would you think a man who would lie and cheat on his wife , hurt his wife, children and reputation by having an affair be there for you at your time of need?  That all says pretty much the kind of person he is. "Besides being selfish"?  Hello? He IS a selfish person with no concern for others, as again, he's having an affair.  Why wasn't he by your side holding your hand? Uhhh, because he has a wife and family and you and your relationship with him isn't his priority. He's shown you how much you mean to him~nothing. Sorry but I'd say he doesn't want the responsibility of caring for someone who's been injured and his not contacting you or going to visit you in hospital is his way of letting you know he's done with your affair. Or else, he understood the seriousness of your condition and didn't want to be there or associated in any way just in case you didn't pull through. He's shown you exactly what he's made of~believe him.