Keeping it all in perspective
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 5:08pm |
But...isn't there always a 'but'..I was awake all night last night trying to squash the ugly green monster of jealousy. The night when the A started he had met me at a conference and we were at dinner. He and his W had been having problems and he was updating me a little (we have known each other for 13 years & have been good friends). He said it was so bad he had moved into his own room. That was the night things first happened w/ us.
However, during our conversations yesterday it was apparent that somewhere along the way he moved back in the same room with W. I'm not sure how long this has been the case...we have been in this R for 4 months.
I had a really hard time with this. What is wrong with this picture? They are married, I am married, and an A is just that...it is what it is. Nonetheless, I found myself obsessing about whether they enjoy the same mental connection, if he does things with W that we do, all those impossible thoughts.
Today, we again had a wonderful time and I am feeling better...am trying to consciously focus on the wonderful things we bring to each other. On the fact that I feel alive again. But, the little doubts keep trying to creep in...does he feel the same? (my heart thinks the answer is yes) is our R as important to him as me (hopefully)...do he and W enjoy the same intense sexual compatibility (Lord, I hope not!!!)
Do these feelings EVER receed? Four months is not a long time...with time do any of you find that you are able to put things in their correct perspective?
Well, I must say even with these feelings trying to invade, the past two days have been, in a word, AMAZING. Did I mention feeling alive? :)

Hi buffalobillie,
I think it depends on the person and what you want from the relationship.
Sweet
Co-Community Leader My
I try to concentrate on the reality of when we are together. I think about what we say to each other when we're alone. I know what our bodies do together. I remember the things we tell each other in email or on the phone. Tone of voice. Body language. All that jives together and tells me the truth. I honestly DON'T know how good of a relationship they have. I know he loves her and I know they have sex. I honestly DON'T know how I compare to her. I know it's not the same as what he has with her, but how it's different, I don't know. Which relationship he enjoys more, I don't know. I would expect that he enjoys them both immensely or he wouldn't be in them. What I do know, however, is how wonderful we are together and how fortunate we both feel to have each other at this moment in time.
What grounds my rising panic (and believe me, I've had to remember this a LOT this week!) is to realize that if I could just erase that one nagging little detail about how he lives with and loves another woman, there would be absolutely nothing different about our relationship than that of any other couple that has been together about the same length of time. If she weren't part of the equation, I would feel completely and wholly special. And he does make me feel awfully special even though I assume all the while he's making her feel special, too.
The reality is, this is what we all sign up for when we have affairs. This is not news to any of us. This is part of it. And we *don't* have to live like this. We can, at any time, say that we can't handle it anymore - that it *just is NOT worth all this angst* - and walk. I've heard others here say that the time to end it is when the pain outweighs the good. Personally, I'm not there yet. I'm not even close. But everyone has to decide for themselves when that line has been crossed.
Good luck on this journey. Mine has been worth the world.
Lucky
I have to agree with Sweet and Lucky, at least from my limited POV. We've only been in an A since September, and the roller coaster ride was wild...for months.
But recently, things are beginning to settle into *our* relationship. MM is on his 26th Anniversary weekend get-away, and I'm okay tonight. I still take it a day at a time, but I really don't think I'll feel differently tomorrow or Saturday. I have plans to keep me occupied this weekend, and I got a bit teary eyed when he called me just before he left to tell me he loves me...but it quickly passed.
I know they have sex, but not often. I also know that he's told me that its very different than what we have. This amazes me, as I can't imagine not exploring everything with such a wonderful, sensual, attentive, exciting lover...but...I also believe him. I certainly don't dwell on it. That's their business...
And like Sweet, if anything, I'm envious of their time. I treasure each moment we've shared. Even a grocery store trip is held close to my heart. I'm hungry for as much time as we can have. I'm lucky that we see each other every couple of weeks, and other than this weekend, he's called me or emailed me almost every day this year, (usually more than once.)
Once you learn to accept what your relationship *is*, then some of the anguish seems to lessen and you can appreciate what you do have. Most of the time. The rest of the time, this group is wonderful!
Hugs and good luck!
Cazrida