keeping perspective?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
keeping perspective?
15
Tue, 08-05-2003 - 12:46pm
I have just started an EMA, am new to this board (have posted twice), and had a question for women in similar situations, which is basically, "How do you keep your perspective while having an EMA?"

My story, told simply & briefly is this: I just started an EMA (3 weeks ago) which I initiated with a single OM. Reasons for starting the EMA are complicated but can be boiled down to a few -- I'm no longer "in love" with DH though I love him dearly; I am no longer physically drawn to him; and we have had problems connecting on a deep level & I'm getting frustrated by that.

I prefer to keep my EMA physical only and have indicated that to the OM, and he's fine with it (what single guy wouldn't be?!?).

My question is this: I can imagine that if you're having an intimate relationship with someone, regardless of whether you're married to someone else, it's very likely that you will find yourself getting attached. It's not necessarily the case that you'll fall in love with the OM, but I'm worried about becoming attached, especially since DH and I are giving each other space -- lots of it -- as we work out our problems. How can I keep these attachment feelings from developing?

I'm thinking that we shouldn't even have conversations when we get together, and I keep our phone calls and e-mails to a bare minimum, just to make plans. . .

Any thoughts are appreciated!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 2:53am
Hi Lexy,

I'm not sure whether you got confused with what I wrote... or I'm just confused *lol* but anyway... I had been seeing MM for somewhat 2 years when I realised (about a year ago) that I had allowed myself to fall in love with him. I have not fallen out of love... and still am very in love with him now.

Both of us entered in this with no commitment and no expectations and I still hold to that... my love for him has actually allowed me to give him the 'freedom' that he needs. and I truly think that by doing this I've realised the true meaning of love... being able to love and not expect anything in return is just such a great feeling.

and I probably agree with you... while as I said for some time I did well at keeping my feelings and the relationship in a certain perspective... but over time... as in 3 years... which with one person to be intimate, for me, it's a long time... I did fall in love with him. I don't know how I did it initially... I guess even though we were intimate... I held on to the reality of our friendship... but the closer we got and the more things we went through... I couldn't help it.

I'm not sure I've answered your question... or if I've even made sense... but I hope so.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 9:15am
Hi, sweet. Thanks for your post. Your statement about you wanting to know yourself better hit home. I feel like I need the time apart to really do some soul-searching and figure out what I want -- what I want out of my marriage, out of my DH. I know that some may think, "Isn't it too late for that? You're already married!" but that is how I feel. I don't regret having married DH, but I will regret not having taken the time out FOR MYSELF to figure out what I want to be happy. After all, the only person responsible for my happiness in the end is myself. To clarify, we're not yet living apart. We are in the process of selling our home, and until then we are doing things on our own most nights. The only times I really see DH are right before we go to bed & briefly in the mornings.

I'm curious about a couple of things. Is your OM single or married? Does he share your feelings? Are you still working on your marriage? If so, it must be hard, being in love with another man. I definitely agree with you in that if I do eventually make up my mind to end the marriage, I don't want it to be about another man. It will be b/c my DH & I cannot be happy together.

I think it's the lack of connection in my relationship with my husband that, deep down inside, really wants to become friends with my OM. I want someone to connect with. But my mind tells me "Don't do it." And I'll try my hardest not to. I guess in the end, it's usually the married one that falls the hardest. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 9:25am
Yes, I am realizing that there is perhaps something else that I want out of the A that I am not getting in my marriage. . . my DH & I lack a connection. I know how it feels to have deep connections with people (one of whom is a very good male friend), so the lack of a connection with my DH makes me sad & yearn for it. Deep down, I guess I want to have a connection with a lover. So I'm scared that this desire will lead me to seek out a friendship with OM, even though my mind tells it's a bad idea.

Thanks for the brief story about your situation. I'm a little confused with what you said -- about you having a R with your OM but not being in love with him. Is it that you're very good friends, but the "in love"/romantic feelings are just not there for you? Did it require work on your part NOT to fall in love with him? But I take it that you've ended the A. How long did it last?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 1:24pm
hey Brooklyn,

No I haven't ended the A just yet. My OM is moving very soon, as am I, and circumstances will keep us apart. I know my OM will want to try to stay in touch long distance but with all of the changes going on, I think it will be easy to end the A. I may be fooling myself here, but that is what I'm hoping for...

As far as the 'in love' business goes -- Personally, I don't understand it. I love and care for OM deeply, and, yes, I've grown attached, but I don't want to throw one life away to start a new one with him. Does that make sense? Maybe I'm heartless -- I don't know, and I should not have let things evolve to where they are now -- my OM is crazy for me, which is why it is so hard to end the A.

I am not married, so my story is a little different from yours. I have been with my B/F for 8 years. We are currently separated (again by circumstances not by choice). We have a lot of problems in our R, and I have decided that I am willing to work on them. Unfortunately, I will have to wait until this separation is over.

So what has this time apart from B/F done for me? Well, in the beginning, I definitely strayed and questioned if we were right for each other. Then OM came into the picture...it was hot, sexy, and we have so much in common...and I became emotionally unavailable to my B/F. I began spending an absurd amount of time with OM and when I would talk to B/F, I couldn't connect. And I couldn't figure out why...I was doing so many things with/for OM that I haven't done for B/F for several years. Like buying new sexy clothes, always making sure I was looking my best when he came over, etc.

Then it hit me "Why don't I do this for B/F? -- Why don't I seduce him? -- Why did I EVER let habit kick in and take over?"

The A has definitely changed my perspective on my R with B/F...our life together has been fairy tale in many respects, and he knows my ins/outs better than anyone...yes, he has his faults (I clearly have mine) but who doesn't??

This board has definitely helped me work through this confusion...but of course, I don't know how this saga will end...

Hugs to you,

Alameda


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2003
Wed, 08-06-2003 - 4:49pm
Oh OK i thought you were in love with him but somehow stopped those feelings and weren't in love with him anymore!

thanks...

hugsss

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