Killing Love

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2003
Killing Love
12
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 10:57am
Hi all,

I have been lurking and contributing for awhile now,

and one emotion I see repeated often is obsessive love.

Perhaps that is not the exact term for it, but it

usually involves some statement like "He is perfect,

everything I ever wanted in a man. How do I live without

him?". I have certainly been there myself, and it is

a difficult place to be.

Given that events may conspire to thwart this perfect

love, how then do you escape? Are you just miserable

until time has erased the memory? Or are you more

proactive? What steps do you take to cleanse this emotion

from your psyche? How do you escape? How do you put your

head above your heart?

I was of the more proactive stripe, and will share in

due time. For now, I pose the question, If you must kill

a love, how do (did) you do it? If you couldn't, how do

you live with it?

I think a lot of people might be helped by some good

responses.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 11:38am
I think sometimes love is killed by situations or attitudes, for example, my love that I had for exH, was killed by abuse and by his drinking. Now the love I had for OM, I still have, I will always love him, even though we haven't seen each other, NC for a year and a half. But it has faded into the back recesses of my heart and no longer hurts like it did. I think if you love, it remains there always, unless it has been killed by hate. If someone dies does the love you feel for them die too? No, it remains in your heart, and you grieve that person. When OM and I separated I needed to grieve, a normal human process. Now I can think about him, without the pain, and know that I shared something special with a wonderful man, and I have grown from the experience. And I cherish the memories. It was the same way when my mother died many years ago, I grieved for a long time, but now I am glad that I have the memories that I do of her. Yes, of course I still miss her, and I will always love her, but the pain is no longer a central focus in my life. We love many people in our lives, we as humans have that capacity, there is always more room for love. We love our parents, our spouses, our children, friends, and sometimes, we love OM and OW. We learn to put them in the right place in our hearts. Different kinds of love for different people, and when one of these relationships ends, it doesn't mean we stop loving, we just learn to adapt. It takes time to do this when a R ends, some people it takes longer than others. We should never regret loving, it makes us who we are. So no, I never tried to actively kill a love, I have tried to put that person, that love in perspective, and put them in a place in my memories where I am comfortable.

hugs,

itty

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 12:25pm
Desert, this is a good topic, and I'm sorry I don't have time to think about it and respond properly.

I think it all depends on the person - and how they view the love, what level it is, whether it was the person or the situation, whether it is a conditional or unconditional love, whether it is a healthy or unhealthy love, etc. etc.

I love MM unconditional for the man he is, not for the situation. I love him deeper than I've loved another man, and I've learned alot! about love, relationships, etc., he respects me, etc.; and so I think it's been a healthy love for me. I can't imagine wanting to kill the love if/when our A ends - but rather learn how to deal with the emotions. Like you, I would be proactive I hope. Stay busy, mind over matter, etc.

I used to love H unconditionally, but I think for the situation and not the man. I've allowed abuse, and it wasn't a healthy love for me. The love (or what I viewed love as at that time) did need to be killed, but in this case it wasn't necessarily best for me to be proactive, but to be introspective. Why has this happened, understand to move on healthily, etc.

I appreciate your wanting to help others with different viewpoints - that is what is so great about this board, the diversity, to be able to take something from this post and something from that post and ponder or apply it to us or our situation. Looking forward to your sharing more of your story.

Have a super day!

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 1:15pm
First off, I think mm 'looks perfect and sounds perfect' because that's the only part of him that he is willing to share with me. I'm sure that if I lived with him, did his laundry, paid the bills, raised kids, etc... he would suddenly appear very human to me. That's the thrill of the affair, and I know it. IF we were to end suddenly, it would seem so awful because we never had the chance to see each other in a more human light. So, it would probably seem like I lost the greatest guy on earth and I know that isn't really the case. I am beginning to doubt if I will ever see the 'real' him, the one that his wife gets to see. I'm in love with an illusion, I'm sure. What does that say about me? Why do I stay around for someone else's scraps? I'm better than that.

The more I think about this relationship, and how many times I've degraded myself while he gets the best of both worlds, the more ready I am to move on. He knows it's only a matter of time...he's losing his 'hero'status everyday. I'm too good for this crap.

X

Avatar for secrets86
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 2:00pm
I haven't read any of the other responses to

this, yet and I have never been as you

described in your post (i.e. saying OM is

"perfect" etc) so this is all straight off

the cuff w/o any influences ;o)

I don't know how you would go about actively

"killing" off love. I am a firm believer that

our emotions CAN'T be controlled by us for a

very good reason. I think that are emotions

CAN'T be turned on and off like a light switch

so that we are at one pt. or another forced to

deal w/ those feelings; we are able to learn

something about others, life, and most importantly,

ourselves.

W/ OM, I've been very much a realist, as I am in

most every aspect of my life. I've never given up

dating someone else if I really felt a connection

w/ him and liked him while OM and I had our R too.

All of which OM knows about. Neither of us ever

thought it would be fair for me to hold out for him

and put my life on hold and not experience other

things when he didn't know what he was going to do.

B/c I've been a realist, I've never been one to say

anything like OM is perfect. I know very well he's

NOT perfect. If he WERE perfect, I wouldn't want him.

None of us are perfect. I've never even gone so far

as to say we are perfect *together,* b/c I don't know

that. We're not in a traditional R and I can see many

facets of our personalities that may cause us to butt

heads if we did end up in a traditional R. To imagine

my life w/o him in it IS very hard for me to think of

and would be even if we WEREN'T involved. We've been

involved for almost 10mos but we've been friends for

3yrs. We've been there for each other through all the

ups and downs in our lives for those last 3yrs. So to

not have him in my life, IS a saddening thought. But

b/c I would not have a wonderful friend in my life,

NOT b/c of the A aspect.

As far as your ?... I don't think you CAN "kill" of

the feeling of love. I don't believe in the cliche,

"time heals all wounds" but do believe in "it's what

you do w/ your time that makes the difference." The

emotions will fade when they are good and ready to,

when it is "time" for them to go. Obviously, there

are things one can do to move oneself along in the

process and at least not end up "stuck" on one person.

Don't listen to all your songs, don't keep taking out

pictures of the 2 of you, don't reread old love notes,

don't call them as much, etc. But like I said earlier,

I firmly bel. are emotions last w/ us for the time they

do for a reason which is to teach us something. Once

that has been achieved, we're able to move on to other

R's.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 2:10pm
Interesting thread. I agree with X in that obviously an OM may seem perfect because you don't have to pick up after him. But others here on this board have had the luxury of spending serveral days, at least, with their OM and are still in love with them, so clearly we can't blanket this subject with, well, we don't have our relationship lit by real life so of course he's perfect.

In my own case, I have surprised myself by how hard I've fallen for my OM. That actually may not be entirely accurate. I've known him for almost two years - we've been in this affair for over 2 months - and I've always been attracted to him and I've had a crush on him for pretty much the whole time. I tried valiantly for a long, long time to divert those feelings into friendship because, after all, I *am* married. Once the truth of my marriage finally got through my thick skull, I allowed myself to open up to OM and the possibilities and my life has been nothing short of wonderful since I have.

But, having those many months together as friends, I like to think that he and I recognize and work with each other's less than perfect areas. I know, for instance, that he thinks I am as stubborn as the day is long!!! I think it annoys the hell out of him, lol!! He's wonderful about letting me be me, but when he thinks I'm being unduely obstinate, he has no problem calling me on it and we talk it through. Similarly, there are things about him that kind of bug me, but I talk to him about it. Just did that yesterday with an issue as a matter of fact.

So, it's kind of hard to have an obssessive love if you know the other person isn't perfect. I do hate to think of us ever breaking up. Who wants to think of breaking up when you're in a relationship? I do love him and wish to have him in my life for as long as he'll have me. But as so many people who are anti-A on this board point out, the statistical hope for an affair is damn slim. So, I'd like to think that if this A ever did end, it would be because we both recognize the need to move on for whatever reason. But if it were an issue of him dumping me, well then. It would hurt like hell. I'd hate it. It would crush me. But then I'd move on, concentrate at first on the basics of life...breathe in, breathe out, wake up, go to work, deal with kids. Sooner or later, it would get better and the trick is carrying on your life as best you can until it does.

But I don't think that because it would hurt to end it, that makes for an obsessive love.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 4:22pm
If you really want to know the secret to getting over someone that you thought was perfect for you, there is a way. I know, I've done it:

First, you have to accept that the relationship is over or cannot be in the first place.

Next, you actually think about how great he was, how great it could have been, and you MOURN the fact that it couldn't work out. What you do NOT do is think about ways to make it work out.

In time, you WILL heal with this approach. Seems simple. But it works.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 5:29pm
WOW, Yoga, you just blew me away with that answer. LOL For once I am nodding my head in agreement with you. That's way it has been for me the moment I ended my EMA. Accept what you can't have and move on (emotionally, LOL). As for the healing, time heals all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 7:28pm
Hi desert,

Firstly... I just wanted to share this quote that I recently found....

"You never stop loving someone you truly loved, you just learn how to live without them"

I think it's so very true... and I think itty touched on it really well.

I don't think I've ever said MM is perfect... I think he's wonderful and has many more qualities than DH... but he's certainly not perfect and I've actually told him so. He wouldn't be human if he didn't have some flaws. I often say that I'm in love with him... but wonder really as I'm yet to see all of him... I only see part and while with that part he and I get along extremely well... but I know there is things about him that would bother me and I've no doubt there are things about me that would bother him. Times he's told me about things that his wife does that just irks him and I sit and laugh as I do them myself. It's all just part of life. But! I do love the man that I get... and for me that's ok as it's probably all I will get anyway.

I've met and lost many a person who's touch my life in different ways... and I think that in my own ways... I've mourned that relationship... in whatever way it needs to be done and moved on to whatever lays ahead for me. I'm a strong person emotionally... maybe I can do it better... but I think whoever you are... mourning needs to be the first step.

Don't know whether I'm rambling or not here... so I'll finish it up.

luv and hugs

Sweet

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 8:20pm
Hi Desert...

I know what you are referring to. There are many here who say that he may not be a perfect man, but MM/OM is perfect FOR THEM... and I wonder too, how much of that is love of the individual versus the thrill of the situation (forbidden love). Meow posted a bit on this a while back and I don't think we explored it fully.

To get to your point, though, for me to answer that I have to alter the question a bit. I don't believe in one single, perfect love, or in one particular soul mate. I believe we choose. And we have many to choose from. Have I felt more of a connection... psychic, sexual, chemical, whatever... with one man over another? Sure. Is H the one I felt the strongest connection with? No. But he is the one I chose nevertheless and I have no regrets.

But I did have to let go of one with whom I felt that immense, intense, instantaneous connection. How did I get over it? A lot of time, many, many miles (I literally moved across country to put space between us), and the acceptance that I could not change the situation myself and therefore it was time for me to move on. I think Yoga has it dead-nuts-on... you accept, you grieve, you go on with life. You don't necessarily forget, but you do go on. And life is fine.

To "kill" anything implies cessation of life. Emotions can only be killed two ways: a shocking event that changes that emotion from one to another (love to hate and vice versa) or by forgetting... We rarely forget strong emotions, so rather than "kill" the emotions are simply shuffled about, placed in psychic boxes and stored on mental shelves only to be taken down for occasional perusing and memory lane trips. Sometimes for research and learning.

Actually, I think we (as a race?) all to easily proclaim one love to be our one and only, everlasting... on with the cliches! And then it doesn't work out and the next one becomes the "real" thing... and then the next. And we don't pay attention to the fact that our soulfulness, our chemistry, our feeling of connection or belonging is only one small piece. A much larger piece is free will.

Thanks for a good muse... Meow, Forty and others used to post such thoughts for discussion quite a bit and I miss them!

-lily

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Thu, 07-17-2003 - 8:42pm
When my MM and I walked away from each other last winter, I was proactive. Not in *killing* the love, but in putting it in it's place. I loved him. But I loved him enough to walk away. I was sad. But I know/knew in my heart that our time together was very special and I would never forget it or him. And that if we are meant to be together in a real relationship someday we will be. I tried to go on with my life. Grieved for what might have been for a while. But gloried in what we did have. He will always be that person in my mind who I think of as my soul mate. Even if we do not spend our lives together in the end. I would never try to *kill* something so special to me.

Mine is not in the Obsessive Love category. I am okay without him. But with him, I am better. He is not perfect. I am not perfect. I do believe together we would be pretty darn close to a perfect fit though. We recognize each others faults. And eerily alot of them mirror each other. Forgetfullness, being quiet when we are mad, and alot of other things. And since we recogize ourselves in each other, we know how to deal with each other better.

CFH

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