LDA...we're getting together...help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
LDA...we're getting together...help
10
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 3:40pm
Me and my MM are making plans to get together on our own time for a full day and/or overnight thing. Normally we saw eachother at work functions, but I have stopped traveling in my position. We live 5 hours apart. Even though he offered to come all the way to me, I have agreed to meet him halfway. I don't think it's a good idea to have him come all the way here.

What I am wondering is how I can do this without raising my BF's eyebrows. Any ideas for excuses? I'd like to avoid having someone lie for me. If we just met for a day to night thing (with no overnight), I can probably pull that off without saying much, but I have this overhwelming fear of having car problems and being stranded. I know that sounds like an odd thing to worry about....but my mind is racing and considering any possible problem that may arise.

Can anyone in a LDA offer up any advice??? It is greatly appreciated.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:46pm
Well thanks so much for the open arms and out-pouring of help. I agree with everyone else who has left this site for being ignored. I have NOT found this to be a "support community" and I won't be posting anymore. I have replied to quite a few other people looking for support and just someone to listen and of the 3 or 4 posts I have written myself, I have seen pretty much nothing. If anything, I feel MORE isolated and alone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:51pm
I have always had that "car problem" fear myself. I made the decision to go for it anyway and let the chips fall where they may. My best advice is to stick as close to the truth as possible. Is halfway somewhere you might go anyway? Is there a good reason for you to go there? If not, choose somewhere that you might go anyway, it's much more real.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:51pm
Dear LDA,

I'm sorry you haven't received the responses you were looking for on our board. I'm not in an LDA, so I don't have any really good ideas for you.

You should be aware that we had a couple of weeks of some really strange posters and I guess most of the regulars keep busy over the weekend. Hang around a little longer, though. It's a great group.

Good luck with your weekend.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 2:56pm
Don't be hasty. Today is the first day I have been on this site and I have heard from a few different people. It's the first time I haven't felt alone, and I know how alone feels.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 4:42pm
Well, I'll try to contribute...

First, if you're genuinely concerned about car problems, I'd have him come closer than halfway. Pick a city nearby that might be big enough to host some sort of conference, workshop or other sort of activity.

Second, it needs to be both realistic and boring to your BF. For example, when I chose to sneak away for a weekend and bring my OW here, I started a week before mentioning some workshop I wanted to go to about four hours away. I told my W that I was going to go, and when she asked about going with me, I just said she could but that the workshop was from 8 to 5 on a Saturday and told her it was about "X, subset Y" --- with X being something I have an interest in that she scarcely does, and Y being a particular facet of X that would bore her to tears to even think about. She said she might still go and shop or whatever, and I said whatever so she wouldn't get too curious.

As the time approached, I managed to find something better for her to do in addition to mentioning how I'd just found out that there was "hospitality" kind of mixer with the people from the seminar and how I wouldn't even have to leave the conference center. That was it for her. All day alone then me wanting to spend the evening with more people interested in the minutia of X... she was done.

I live off my cell phone anyway, so she could reach me there. Then I actually went only an hour away in the other direction.

Not exactly proud of being sneaky, but it has been a valuable skill so far. I agree with not getting anyone to lie -- the fewer people involved, the fewer potential problems.

rain

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Mon, 05-24-2004 - 7:32pm
I guess she didn't check your milage huh? My H would I think. He is feeling just a tad shakey as far as his confidence in our marriage. The plan sounds like a good one except for the mileage, also I have a brand new car... it would be easy to eyeball. I COULD drive all over the place the day before or that day just to rack up the miles. LOL Oh wow it's always something working against me!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 9:13am
LOL... check my mileage?

Let me just tell you, if I caught her checking my mileage, I'd have sprung a lot earlier. Besides, we don't share vehicles.

As for easy to eyeball... well, I have a new car too, a shiny black sportscar, complete with big wing and "special edition" badging. In my town of about 30,000 it is unique -- there are definitely no others like it in this town. I love my car, but it feels like I'm putting a neon arrow out pointing to my whereabouts when I'm not where I'm supposed to be...

rain

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 12:35pm
Well my H has been "suspicious" since he found some things over 6 months ago that he shouldn't have that were easily explained but he still worries I might have an affair. When he has a lack of sleep especially (not sure why) and he starts rummaging through my things. Since MM and I don't get together but once a month there hasn't been anyway he could find something incriminating. So if I were to go out of town (I never do this ) without him, he would check and recheck I am sure!

Just recently I put my briefcase upside down in the backseat of my car to see if he would look through it. Sure enough last night he took my son to basketball practice and when I went to look this morning it was flipped over and one of the zippers weren't closed all the way. I did happen to have a couple of cd's in there that aren't the type of music I listen to that I believe he knows MM listens to. I bought them so I could hear the songs mm says reminds him of me. Now I have to put them out in plain view and explain that they are on loan.

I've done all I can to regain his trust ( nothing has been too incriminating) and I still have to deal with this. We couldn't survive if he found out!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 05-25-2004 - 8:33pm
Hi I am sorry that you felt alone. I too have posted a few times recently and fortunately had at least a few people respond. I definitely know how you feel when no one responds- but give folks time and a gentle reminder that you need some support. When I really needed help about a year ago- folks were here for me.

So as far as a LDA. I am right there with you. My now xMM lives over 1000 miles away. His W was more suspicious than my H, but I was always nervous. We would meet for 3-7 days at a time every few months. We both had "business" excursions that could explain some things. Often I would think up something I knew my H had no interest in and tell him he was welcome to come especially at a time when I knew there was something he really wanted to do.

I once told him I was meeting a friend in a different state- we both met up there. It was a little stressful since we could only be registered in 1 name...so I told H just to call my cell phone. You could register in your name.

I have told one friend about the A and she is very supportive. I am planning on saying we are getting together for a girls weekend someplace. He definitely does not want to come to that. Is there anyone that you could say is having a difficult time and that you are going to visit and stay near-by?

Hope it helps. Let us know what happens and how it goes.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Wed, 05-26-2004 - 7:44am
Privatelife-

I am sorry I did not post earlier - I just did not see your topic until today. I have been in a LDEMA for 10 months and we live a few states apart, so to see each other, someone has to get on an airplane. However, we have been able to work things out to see each other once a month and have already made plans for June, July, August, and September.

My excuses are usually work-related: training, workshops, conferences, meetings. I have made myself a member of a fake committee in order to do some of this. I have also visited friends overnight that my husband knows but not close enough to call.

Do not involve other people - to me that is too risky. And, I just get my car checked out before I go and say little prayers while I drive that nothing will happen when I am 5 hours south of where I say I am going to be.

I have even gone so far as say I am flying to one location when I am really flying to another. Have not gotten caught with that one yet, and won't try that again. However, the weekend was well worth it.

Also, I have gotten in the habit of only talking to my husband by cell phone. That way he never tries to call where I am really supposed to be.

Hope this helps.