Leave marriage for OM-what if it flops?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Leave marriage for OM-what if it flops?
5
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 4:48pm
A little background - I have been with my H for 10 years...married 3. It isn't miserable, but it isnt happy. He is very emotionally abusing, and I have taken it ever since we got together. Our M is comfortable and predictable, but I am not happy. I don't flutter when he is around. And, I'm always walking on glass wondering if what I say will set him off into a yelling, name calling fit. I'm tired of being beat down to feel like I am 2 inches tall. But, when he is nice - when he is apologizing - when all is ok - he is a wonderful man. I'm so confused. I've thought about leaving numerous times and never did...always was the one to run back crying and say 'don't leave me'. He threatens me with our relationship alot too and I don't think that is right. I know that he loves me and cares for me greatly - and he depends on our relationship. But, I feel like I have given up alot for him. I am young - and we started dating right out of high school. All of my dreams have been put on hold - he doesn't want to travel, live on a beach, etc...We have no children yet, so I keep thinking why do I stay here when i am not happy? Lets get out now instead of ten years later when there are more things at stake. But, I don't want to dissapoint his family, mine, friends, etc. And, to make it worse, I've met another who makes me feel wonderful. It started as friends, and progressed into more. Now, I can't imagine him not in my life. He supports me, gives me respect, and loves me unconditionally. Maybe five years from now he will find something that he doesn't like about me - or vice versa - and it will fall apart. But, I want to try. I want to go for my dreams. I want to stand up and make ME happy. I want to see where this will lead. If anything, I will part from the new relationship just happy that he helped me get the confidence to be on my own. I'm scared - I've been the 'girlfriend' for as long as I can remember. Never on my own. But, I think I can do it. And, I think it is best to end this now. Am I crazy for wanting out and wanting to go for this new relationship to see where it takes me??? It seems too good to be true, but I feel like I will be missing out on alot if I don't give it a chance???
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:03pm
I think you answered your own question. You said you wanted to try and go for your dreams, than I think you should. And as far as letting people down, you won't... if they love you they'll only want the best for you and want you to be happy. I wish I would've done that before I got into deep. It really does get tougher the longer you wait. Also, you definitly don't deserve having someone putting you down and calling you names. That's not right, ever. I wish you happiness with what ever decision you make. Good Luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 6:12am
You've pretty well laid out in words how you feel. I find that really helps me to come to decisions, being able to read what I'm really thinking/feeling.

It sounds like you know what you want to do. And if you leave H, do it for YOU, not for OM. You're at the perfect time still, no kids, if you leave, you can make a clean break and start over. Its a scary thought I know, but it sounds like you would be happier starting over. And don't worry about family, friends, etc. They will adjust to it, divorce is a fact of life, it happens to everyone. They have to understand that you are unhappy and need to make a change in your life while you still can.

And still see OM of course. But if things don't work out with him down the road, at least you know you left your H for the right reasons, and you should feel secure in the knowledge that you are doing what is right for YOU.

Nobody deserves to be in an abusive and/or controlling relationship. And after you are out of it, you will feel so much better about yourself. And then to have the love of someone who appreciates you and will treat you the way you deserve, you will thank yourself for having the courage to do it.
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 12:51pm
Follow your heart, followmyheart and don't be afraid. :-) If you left you marriage for OM, its not a bad thing per se, you are risking your future to the sucsess of your realtionship with him. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion as except your are in a vulnerbale position. If you guys are compatible and you won't be feeling guilty about leaving soon after, you may have a good sucess rate. Don't feel bad about feeling vulnerable, for what's life without a few risk, eh? Good Luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 10:57am
I am in the process of leaving my marriage after nearly 8 years to a verbally and mentally abusive H. Now that his ways have found their way onto our children, I am getting out. I am madly in love with my MM, but my leaving is strictly for myself and the kids. If MM works out, obviously, I will be ecstatic, but being a mom and a responsible parent, is my #1 priority. I don't want to hurt my H by leaving, because I know he will hurt, but I can live with it to give me some sanity and security. I'm just the kind of person that hates to hurt people, regardless of how they've acted toward me.

My MM is my best friend and he is such a big help through all of this. He listens and gives me advice. He has been great throughout this whole ordeal and has said he will always be there for me. I really do love him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 1:03pm
Just want to second Dusty's post... you deserve to be happy. Odds are, friends and family have a fairly good idea of how cruel H can be. Usually abusers are not as good at hiding as they are apologizing after the fact. But, as many of the posts here say, please know how valuable you are. Leave for you alone. If it works out with OM that will be frosting on the cake.