Leave my husband for an illusion?
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Leave my husband for an illusion?
| Sat, 05-30-2009 - 3:50pm |
Sigh! Finally a place I can turn to with other people in my same situation!
Okay, well, I'm 26, been married for a year to a man with whom I fell in love because he was just everything my ex was not, and because I had never

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First of all, I want to mention that things are a little slow here on the weekends, so if you don't get too many responses right away, don't get discouraged!
About your situation... I see a lot of things that would cause me concern. Your H is probably very frustrated that he's the age he is and is still "dependent" on his mom, especially when she takes away "privileges" like a car, as if he were a child. This frustration might build into a sort of rage which he unleashes on you. NOT that it's an excuse. I would tell you to leave the whole situation because it's a dangerous one, but I can tell from your words that you won't do that, aren't near ready to acknowledge how bad a thing his abuse really is. If you CAN'T leave him, then you should try to sit down with him and figure out a way for the two of you to be on your own. There is a slight possibility that the abuse will stop if the source of his anger/frustration is removed - but a very small chance. He already has learned to vent his negative emotions by hurting you, so it's unlikely he will change without help.
In short, my opinion is that you should leave your husband but NOT for the new guy. For yourself. You're very level headed about the new R being a "fantasy" that real life and real human imperfections would destroy.
"that is, if he doesn't hurt me physically like he sometimes threatens that he would if I betray him."
That statement? It's a huge red flag. You should never be with anyone who would threaten you like that!
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Here's what jumps out at me. You use the word "so-called abuse" at least 3 times in connection with the fact that your H has hit you. Hitting is abuse. Every time. No matter why. Period. Normal men do not do that, no matter how angry they are. A man who would raise his hand to you does not deserve your love and devotion. The fact that he is sorry about it afterward means nothing. Abusers always are. It's part of the cycle of abuse.
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page5.html
For more information about domestic violence (just as starting places), you can look here:
http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=38
and here:
http://www.abanet.org/tips/dvsafety.html#safetips.
The National Domestic Violence hotline is 1-800-799-SAFE or
1-800-787-3224 (TTY).
If you think your H might monitor your computer use, there's info here: http://www.womenslaw.org/simple.php?sitemap_id=10.
If he has threatened to physically harm you if you step out on him, he probably will try. He wants to control you - that's what the threats are about. Could it be that you're drawn to someone else as a way of subconsciously escaping that control? Does a part of you think that if you have an A and he finds out and you survive the aftermath, he won't want you anymore and then you'll be free?
Look, I'm not judging you or telling you what your situation is. I think that the attraction to someone else is a symptom of a larger problem, so I wanted to point that out as something to consider. Imagine spending 50-60 more years married to your H and covering up how he treats you. Imagine having children with him and (a) possibly having to protect them from his anger, and (b) having them see you being hit (or worse), and thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to be like?
My heart goes out to you.
Edited 5/30/2009 10:09 pm ET by masalterego
MASAlterego
www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com
Thank you for your replies! I think I will be okay with my husband as far as the abuse is concerned. He really does try. He always tells me he loves me and is always willing to change. People do change over time. We'll see how that goes.
Now... as far as my affair... what do you guys think? Is it foolish for me to be falling for this guy, subconsciously hoping he means it when he says he wants to marry me? I really don't know if he means it. Maybe he only feels that way now because like he says, he dislikes that we have to be hiding; he says he wishes he could introduce me to his family, his friends, and be his completely. I think I am only attracted to the novelty of it. Once reality sets in, it'll be just like being with my husband. Or probably worse, because if you take away the excitement, this guy and I may not be as compatible as I am with my husband.
Maybe I'll stick to my original intention-- just have a fun affair. The only problem is not getting caught. I never want my husband to find out, EVER. Is it possible to never get caught if one is careful enough?
it is NOT possible to never get caught.
I think you need to be very, very careful. if your h find out about A, you'll find that his abuse could be deadly. I was married to a sweet man, who loved me dearly, who only hit me when he was drinking and he only drank a few times a week, and he was always so sorry and so sweet and loving afterward. There was a time or 2 when I was pretty sure he wasn't gonna quit. He never broke any bones or sent me to the hospital, though. I did get to sport a black eye and fat black lip for several days though. Rethink this please. I wish we could each learn from others mistakes. I wish I'd have listened when I kept reading to NOT have this A, to get out first, all that GOOD advice that I couldn't hear, wasn't read to hear.
One more post about this and I promise I'll shut up. People actually DON'T change much over the long term. Especially people who abuse, because exerting power over someone else is like a drug to them - it's that much of a thrill. A woman in my family was killed by her abusive H - he thought she was having an A (she actually wasn't), and he shot her. Point blank in the face. In front of their 8 year-old son. This was after years of hitting her, which escalated over time. Even when he threw her down the stairs, she kept making excuses for him and saying he would change, that he was a good man at heart, that he was really trying. IMHO you shouldn't have to try that hard not to hit people. I avoid it all day (despite many temptations!).
Erosme, I know you're a big girl and I promise to let this drop, and I'm sorry if I've p*ssed you off, but I just worry about your safety. Take good care of yourself, and again I promise to shut up.
MASAlterego
www.nicegirllikeme.blogspot.com
Awwww. You are so sweet. No, of course you are not annoying me. I know how cliche this is.
I just had a fight with him right now. It all started because I got excited over My Chemical Romance (the rock band) visiting his work. I asked, "Oh, did you get to see theM?" That was enough to anger him. Once at home he asked me a bunch of questions of whether I cheated on him during our engagement, which I did not. This is my first time, this past weekend! (THAT, he doesn't suspect). And he gets mad when I tell him about the stuff going on at the university. He says I am rubbing it on his face about my education, but that he doesn't care. That's not true! I like to let him know what I'm up to most of the time, but it angers me. So again, he threw a tantrum and broke up with me because he is tired of me. I remained calm, as I usually do. In the end he apologized, said this is just a test to see how I react in different situations, and that I put him through similar things at first. But you see, in the beginning of our relationship I really WAS confused and didn't want to commit to him before being sure that I love him. But he is deliberately getting angry at me all the time and breaking up with me to test me---
Enjoy your lunch date;)
Honey, you are in an abusive relationship.
Oh, thank you, thank you for your replies! I seriously thought you guys were going to be like the people on Yahoo! Answers and call me a wh*** and all that. Oh my gosh! I know the situation I am in with my husband. I think I will eventually leave him...
... my new guy with whom I am totally in love wants to marry me! He wants me to be his wife someday and have babies and all that. It sounds naive now, but I love the thought of that, and love the fact that right now he seems to want all of that with. If with time we stilll feel that way, I would so love to give this guy a chance! He is so hot and mature and responsible.
Totally late to this one, and admit I have not read all the responses all the way through. I want to wholeheartedly agree with masalterego...she said it right, it is not "so called" abuse you are enduring, it is flat out abuse. It sounds like your H has a very unhealthy relationship with his mother (read abusive) and he is perpetuating the cycle.
The other man in your life, yes you are right it is not your H's fault that you started an A and I appreciate that you own that choice. Thing is, if you own the choice to have an A and it has nothing to do with your marriage, then leaving your husband should have nothing to do with your AP. Does that make sense?
If you choose to leave your husband, which by the way I might recommend since he hits you...he feels badly after like a classic abuser but he does it again, and one of these times you won't be able to hide it and I fear might be seriously injured, that leaving should be separate from your AP. You said it best, your AP is an illusion. A fantasy that helps you through the day to day. If you leave your marriage do not do it with the expectation that you will ever be with your AP. Leave your marriage because your H is an abusive Adam Henry.
All that said (I got a little heated, sorry) please watch out for YOU. You are so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You are at the University and really seem to be trying to make something for yourself. Get help (masalteregos links were great so I won't repeat them). Don't let your H hit you. Please. I know you love him, but honey you can't love that about him, and maybe you love more what you WANT him to be than what he really is.
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