Leaving the Board -

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Leaving the Board -
32
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 1:05pm
I havent posted here for awhile and posted a couple of times on the EA board. I guess I was hoping/looking for some *friendships* online so I could talk out my feelings about the A and my OM and my M...but seems everyone wants to SOLVE the problem.

This is just my opinion - and my 2 cents worth - but I think most people coming to this board are looking for a hug, an ear and someone to talk openly about their A without judgement. Maybe that happens more than it seems, but in my case.. well...I got lots of "YOU SHOULDs" and not many cyber shoulders to lean on. I know it is hard since this board is so big now, and that mostly everyone just reads the posts and moves on without answering. I am taking such a risk to sneak time on this board - for nothing! So, I am moving on- as they say.

Good Luck to everyone on this board...maybe ya'll will be better at finding that online buddy to share the sad and the happy moments with. I'll have to keep mine to myself now... or share them with the cat.

Chloe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:45pm
A couple of things. First, I am wondering what the link is between being overweight, losing weight, then falling into an affair? Women with less than perfect bodies have affairs, and women with perfect bodies choose to remain faithful to their committments. I don't see the conncetion, other than something within YOURSELF. This has been my point, precisely. Secondly, I do know what is wrong with me. My situation is a little different from most. My EMA is a result of my husband's longstanding EMA involvement, which finally landed me an STD. It isn't only a revenge thing against my husband, but other men who cheat as well. I am not saying it has remained totally about this, there is an emotional involvement now as well. We have ended it, just to start it again for over a year now. Also, a good part of the majority of women out there, would not consider this. Circumstances being just perfect or not! There are women who believe in their vows, and honor them to the grave. I know many women like this. SOme of them are beautiful, and some are not attractive in the least! THe same with women who fall into affairs. It isn't a "romance" novel type of involvement except maybe in the first few weeks. After that, if you have any kind of heart...it eats at you night and day. Some people like that kind of adrendaline rush though. I don't want this to turn into this big argument, but we are all entitled to our own opinions. Sometimes we have to agree to disagree. I don't like who I look at in the mirror every day. I used to, pre-affair. I am an attractive, well educated, and entertaining woman. I come from good stock, and because of my own void, I am where I am. It hasn't always been this way though.

Tinker

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 2:56pm
The link between loosing weight and looking great and then having an affair - I did not say that, you have to ask lilah on that reasoning. Anyway, just like you said we have to agree to disagree, but doesn't mean you call me the one with ADD or ask me to go look into myself to see if I am lacking something. Its a two way street.


Edited 9/12/2003 2:59:06 PM ET by charmed1007
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:01pm
I never said you have ADD. I have counseled so many people over the years through EMA's (go figure! :) If they only knew!) There is a common link between them all. That is all I am saying. Even though I am educated, with experience, with statistics, and book facts...I suppose it still boils down to a difference of opinions. I think my intentions to get us thinking and searching were misconstrued as slams. Sorry.

Tink

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:21pm
I'm the one who said the weight thing and I completely stand by it, 100%. I'm not saying every woman who loses weight will have an affair or every woman who's had an affair has had a sudden appearance change. I don't believe I quoted any statistics or anything -- I was simply trying to relate my own story. When a person goes her entire life looking one way, her life's choices are made in that reality. Losing a HUGE amount of weight, as I did, completely changes your appearance. The inside takes longer to catch up, but it does eventually. You start to notice men looking, then you start to realize that for the first time in your life, you're the person everyone's looking at when you walk into a room. That's not just from losing weight -- in my case it's from finally finding the beautiful person who lurked inside all along. Then a man comes along -- a man who is gorgeous, who's been with his share of women over the years, who KNOWS what a beautiful woman looks like because, let's face it, he's just one of those guys who looks at women. And that man looks at you like you're the most beautiful woman he's ever seen. Then he's telling you he can't stop thinking about you and he wants to spend the rest of his life with you... I think I'd challenge any human being on earth to go through what I've been through and not be tempted. I've made my mistakes and I take responsibility; I'm just saying sometimes it's not so black and white. I'm not even arguing whatever point we were arguing in the first place -- can't recall what it was, anyway. I just think we should all realize that each of us has our unique reasons for doing what we're doing and no one is right or wrong... I've fought this A with everything I have -- I'm still fighting it -- but he's not making it easy. He was just telling me he can't stop thinking about me today and he wants to rub baby oil all over our bodies and...well, you get the point. We haven't even gotten physical, but the man has gotten into my head with his words. How strong can a person be expected to be?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:28pm
Lilah, I guess "strength" is a personal conviction. I understand what you rae saying about losing weight and all, but it sounds so shallow. Whether it is or not. I know that I weighed in at 175 after my child was born. It wasn't when I got back down to 110 that I decided to have an affair. I guess the big thing is that reality isn't "looks based." There are more attractive people out there than unattractive. Even the unattractive people attract people and thus the affair cycle begins. My big question would be WHAT is your void now? You probably thought life would be great when you lost weight. DId you want to lose it so that you could have an affair? How does your husband treat you? Did he love you when you were "fat?"

Tink

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:33pm
One more thought. I have always been the one to turn heads when I walk in a room. I say this not in a haughty way either! :) I HATED it! I have hated it since I was in high school! TO me, it is true...we want what we don't have, and we don't want what we have! :) Arghhhh!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:45pm
My husband treats me like a queen. And no, I absolutely DID NOT lose weight to have an affair. Heck no. I would never have wanted this. I live in a fantasy world, always have. Even as a child. It's part of being a writer, I guess. I've channeled a lot of it into that, but even when I was a teenager, I would develop crushes on guys and make up stories in my head about how we'd get together. I enjoyed creating the fantasies. Same after marriage, although I chose men I'd never meet (actors). It's not about being shallow or deep -- it's about being invisible to most of the population your entire life, then suddenly you exist. People notice you. I had to pursue my husband and pretty much every guy I ever dated. I was hardly ever pursued, until now. This guy pursued me with a vengeance, and it was so nice. The sad thing is, I don't really feel that I have a void now. Honestly, I've wished a million times I could go back to April, before this guy started after me, and just enjoy my life. Maybe the void is the void I had when I was younger, when I wasn't getting this attention. Maybe I'm somehow living out my adolescence again, only this time the right way. I do know that this guy is JUST LIKE the popular guys in high school. He's even friends with some people I went to h.s. with. And those guys never paid a bit of attention to me back then -- so maybe in a way it's like finally I get to be part of the popular crowd by having this guy's attention. Problem is, for him it's more than that. He wants to kiss and...inevitably, he'll want the rest. And I think he wants to be with me someday. I'm not sure that's what I want. And that all fits with this theory I just proposed -- do I really have to break up two families just to prove I'm worthy of the "popular guy?" Can't flirting be enough??? Unfortunately, my heart is getting involved now, and it's not so easy...
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:46pm
Lilah I agree with Tink that it does sound shallow that you seem to think that weighty or "unattractive" person should not be in an affair. Or that you should look attractive to be in an A. I disagree, looks isn't always its chalked up to be - beauty is only skin deep. However, if that is what you felt, I cannot say you had no right to feel that way as we all have our own opinions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:53pm
Well, I can say I enjoy having all eyes on me when I walk into a room, but it is getting old. I have been known to dress flashily, which of course draws attention, but I've noticed often that even when I'm just in jeans and a t-shirt, they'll still look. It gets old after a while. It's when you've never had the attention, at first it's exciting. But now...I'm starting to notice just how much MARRIED MEN look at other women. Even with their wives beside them. Even when their wives are stunningly gorgeous. Sometimes I just want to shout at men to turn around and appreciate what they have. Women just don't realize because the men are subtle about it, but a lot of married men do look at other women. Interesting thing is, even though MM has always been the type to look at women, the deeper we get into this, the more possessive he gets. He hates seeing other men look at me, and it bugs him when I wear flashy clothes. (Although he doesn't say so most of the time.) He knows how men are, and he feels jealous that other men are looking at me. For a long time, he prodded a male co-worker to admit he thought I was hot, just because it perplexed him that this guy works next to me and never notices me. Finally the guy admitted he thought I was hot, and MM got extremely jealous because he knows how close we are. I was like, "Well, you asked for it, dummy!"
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Fri, 09-12-2003 - 3:58pm
"Lilah I agree with Tink that it does sound shallow that you seem to think that weighty or "unattractive" person should not be in an affair."

Oh geez, that's twisting my words way around. I never said anything like that. I said that so many people let themselves go after marriage, and it's not as much an option for them as it is for a more attractive person. I just know in my experience, I never had the opportunity because no one ever came near coming onto me. And I wasn't even unattractive...just big. Please don't put words in my mouth or generalize what I've said to make it sounds like something different. If you want to refute something, refute what I actually said.