Left home - On my own - Feel so better..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Left home - On my own - Feel so better..
2
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:23pm
Haven't posted in awhile...been busy :-) I left last week. Not just some 'time apart', but really left. My H and I had a long Friday that was emotional and hard, but in the end, he says he loves me enough to let me go and find myself. He still holds out hope that I will return, even though right now I have no desire to be married to him anymore. He has moved over to this spiritual side - praying about it, going to counselors, seeing pastors, and turning it all over to God. I am glad that he is getting to a better part of himself out of this, but I also am getting a different feeling from him too. He keeps telling me to pray about it - you know what the right thing is to do - the thing that God says is right - this will all work out - etc. Basically, wanting a D is wrong, and I need to change and come home. I can't do that right now. But, he understands - even if it is because he is lying to himself about me coming back - but at least he is letting me go.

So, we split the bills. He kept the house and all finances associated w/ it. I found a cute little room for rent that is furnished so I don't have to worry about furniture and all of that property mess now. I got a cell in my name and cancelled the one that I had that was in his. We separated bank accounts and each are working out of our own now. I took what clothes that I could and left.

We have talked since, and they are still emotional but good ones. Very adult conversations - nothing like the fights and mess that we had before. The place I found did a 3 mo lease, so I'm not locked into anything. If I want to run back to him in 3 mo, I can. If I want to move on with my relationship with the OM, I can. This is just for me to get sane and calm and think about what I really want right now. Its hard though - not realizing all that you have at home until you don't have it. Even stupid stuff like a bath mat, pots and pans, toliet paper, etc ;-) ha ha I'm making it though. I move in on Friday of this week. For the last three nights, I've stayed at the OM's parents house (he is gone remember). They have been so sweet and accomodating...giving me keys and letting me come and go...even going to see my new place and help me make a decision. I can't wait for him to return and see how happy and relieved I feel being on my own. I just hope this road to D doesn't get ugly.

As for the H finding about the A, he knows that I was connected emotionally to someone, and knows we spent alot of time together, but doesn't know about teh intimacy. I am still denying it, and he says he believes me and forgives me for even drawing close to the OM at all. He knows it was him that pushed me away, and he feels horrible for that. He doesn't blame me, which is odd compared to his old anger ways.

I just wanted to thank yall all for support. RAIN, you and I have alot to talk about with this being on our own thing. I know what you mean about having everything at your 'home' but being somewhere else!! I miss a little about my H...but I am loving being on my own...and can't wait for the OM to join me...whew...I didn't know I could handle this much ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-05-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 5:35pm
Congratulations on your decision. It is admirable that you have found the strength to leave all the familiarities of home to face an uncertain future.

This weekend things between my H and I became so unbearable that I made a hotel reservation to get out of the house. After a long and somewhat constructive conversation with my H, I changed my mind and stayed. I am really on the fence about whether to end my M. My H is a wonderful and loving man who gives me the world, but I do not feel love and attraction for him anymore. That being said, I have decided to at least try counseling before I make a decision. I have decided that D must only come after I've tried to work it out. Unlike your H, I do not foresee a day where my H will let me walk out the door without being totally angry and hurt.

What do you think it was that finally made you leave? When did you know in your heart that it was the right thing to do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:05pm
When did I know? Probably for a long time, but always ignored it because I saw my H hurting. I've wanted to leave for awhile...partly because of the relationship with my OM, and partly because I wasn't in love and didn't feel anything towards my H anymore. Don't get me wrong...I still do love him in a way. You can't spend that long with anyone and not still love them in a way - care for them in a way. We did have some good times together. But the love that I need in my life to stay happily married to someone and start a family and work on a relationship is gone. I have that now for the OM, and I am excited about it and the respect and love he returns to me. Leaving now seemed right - with the OM gone for a couple of months, this gave me the opportunity to get myself settled totally on my own. I do want my OM in my life, but I need to know that I can do this by myself right now. Don't go back just because you are guilty. Counseling is good - I did it too, and still am. But its helping me realize more what I want is to end this and not to work on it. You may go in another direction. But if your relationship at home is on the same coaster that mine was, being apart will be healing to both of you...even while you work on the relationship. My 2 cents anyway...thanks for your pat on the back. I need that right now :-) Just had to go and buy sheets and a comforter...forgot how expensive those can be!!! lol Stay strong...RM