Let me guess, he's just not that into me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011
Let me guess, he's just not that into me?
5
Wed, 04-10-2013 - 5:56pm

My first affair ended very cut and dry.   I don't want to do this anymore.  Me either.  Good, we're done then.  Yep.  

Then of course, a year later, I stupidly ended up having another one - minus the phsyical sex.  I mostly just needed someone emotionally (as did he - we'd both had previous affairs and confessed them) and neither one of us wanted anything physical again, we became fast friends.   And that was all we were.  Best friends.   

We would email almost every day.  If he wasn't going to be around for some reason, he always let me know, or if all he had time to say was Hi, I'm super busy, I miss you, that's all he said.  But then three weeks ago, everything stopped.  He quit responding to me.  And when I finally heard from him, it was a very brief "we went here, it was fun".   Nothing again for another week.   Then a brief "hope you are doing well".  No response for another week.  Then I got "my back hurts".   Absolutely zero response or acknowledgement to anything else. 

I'm starting to take this as a clue that he's just not that into me anymore and I'm trying to give him his space.  I don't even want to ask him if he wants to be done because I'm so afraid he's going to say yes.   He's my best friend.  There was no love, no fights, no sex.  There's no "relationship" so to speak to even be done with.  

 I don't understand why this sudden drop in communication.   I'm so confused.  I miss him like crazy!    

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009

I'd say you weren't best friends but hooked up when you both needed someone.  The need for him is over, and so are you.  You may still need him, or see him as a best friend, but he surely moved on.

You can simply ask him what's going on, even if it means it's over, since it really is anyway, right?

Many times, a man would say "I don't want to have sex" but would mean "I don't want to appear to be in this for sex until you get to know me better and want to have sex with me too".  If you haven't had sex, he may have lost hope/interest and moved on to someone who he has hopes to have sex with or is already there with, but didn't want to be upfront about it with you.

You may wish to be more focused and selective about your next AP, and what you are really looking for in an A, and whether that's realistic or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002

You may have thought of him as your best friend, but you obviously weren't his.  What is the definition of "best friend," anyway?  If he was really your best friend, you wouldn't be posting on MAS.  He was an emotional AP, therefore you feel a loss now that he's decided it was over on his end.

A best friend is someone you can tell anything to and they won't think any worse of you.  A best friend is someone who can celebrate all the good things going on in your life and commiserate with you on the things that are going wrong.  You would go to your best friend's wedding and proudly stand there as a member of the wedding party.

Your AP was your romantic confidante, and you probably were the same to him.  Perhaps he doesn't need a romantic confidante anymore.  Whatever you were, you weren't his best friend.  Sorry if that's a bit harsh.

There could be all kinds of reasons he hasn't responded - he's not that into you, he figured out a way to talk to his wife, he got a therapist, his wife discovered his EA with you and got him to agree to end it, his life got so busy that he realized he didn't have time for this.  Who knows.  If it were me, I'd be inclined to send a brief email along the lines of "Haven't heard from you in a long time, guess our time is over, best of luck to you" - mostly for my own sense of closure but with enough self-respect to believe that it doesn't matter if he responds or not.  I would consider the A over once my email was sent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2011

I did ask him what was going on, if this was it.  He said he'd been busy at work, in meetings with his boss all day every day.  I know I'm not his priority, which I don't ask to be either.  It wasn't like him at all to flat out ignore me, to not even give me a "heads up" about his silence.  And he finished with a "please don't go anywhere, things will slow down, I will be back, have a good weekend, XOXO"  He's never said XOXO before.  

I'm just going to back off, give him some space, make him come to ME if he is still serious about this friendship.  It's not a romance.  He really is the closest thing I have to a best friend.  We share everything.  Just not the same bed (he also lives 3 hours away).  When we started talking, we both agreed that sex ruins friendships.  Romance ruins friendships.  Eventually, you have to walk away.  I don't want an affair.  I don't want to be in love with someone I can never share my bed with.  If all I get is a friendship from him, I'll take it.  And sometimes it's very hard not to cross that line... VERY hard.  But we've done it for 2+ years.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2007
Why is a man you communicate via email with your best friend? It's time to break out of your shell and find true best friends in RL. What are you hiding from?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-15-2007

I think you have to do what feels right to you.  None of us can speculate what's going on with him.  In my 6+ yr A, I jumped to conclusions a million times and was seldom right... lot of time wasted on my part!  Men aren't able to multi-focus like we are, and if he's preoccupied with work or whatever else, he's probably not thinking about much else.  If your friendship is that important to you, it doesn't hurt anyone to give him the benefit of the doubt & see if he comes around.  Try to keep yourself busy, though, so you're not driving yourself crazy.  If one of my gf's is scarce for a while, I assume she's busy & don't really give it a second thought.  Thinking that he's "not that into you" and mentioning the xoxo - well, it seems you are in this deeper than friendship.