Let my lover get me out of my marriage?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Let my lover get me out of my marriage?
5
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 5:56pm
I have endured a ten year marriage to a mentally abusive alcoholic. Many evenings throughout the nine years I have spent alone listening to him snore from an alcohol induced sleep. Perhaps that is better rather than taking all the painful put-downs. I am convinced my marriage has lasted the ten years due to my compliance of always putting his wishes first. I decided two years ago that I needed to try and save what money I could to prepare for a divorce and emergency funds.

Unexpectedly an acquaintance and I began talking and one thing led to another and we became and are lovers. I have intense feelings for him. He and I talk on the telephone for hours at a time and send one another email when we can't be together. When we are together it is only for a few hours but its nice to be with a man that treats me well, tells me I'm beautiful, and listens to what I have to say.

He wants to help me with my financial situation so I can get out of the marriage. I'm scared about that as I don't know what to do. Yes, I love him, but if he helps me and things don't work out I will feel as I have taken advantage of him and I don't want to do that. Our time together has been spent only inside his house. Even though we are very compatible we still have much to learn about one another (temerment,etc.). But if I wait another couple of years to save the money I need to do it on my own, I will most likely lose him or get caught in my affair.

I have always feared change. I know that the man I am seeing is a very good man and I tend to think my life would be good with him. I'm just really confused about a change in my life. Please advise. Thank you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:25pm
HI RH

How about taking his help as a "LOAN" with repayment terms that can be canceled if both parties agree at a future date, so if you to do work out cancel the payments if not keep paying tell the loan is payed off.

JUST A THOUGHT

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:36pm
Thank you for your reply, but the problem to begin with stems from my financial situation. That is why I would need two more years to save money. You see if it does not work out I will really be in a financial pickle, I won't be able to make ends meet as it is.

I don't know if I could handle the strain of trying to make ends meet and working two jobs and that is what it would take just to get by. This is why I have stayed in my marriage as long as I have and endured the emotional abuse.

I really am in a pickle with this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 10:35pm
Hey

I don't know if you two have property (a house), but on devorce the court could order sale of it and a devision of the family assets this might help.

Grasping at straws.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 12:56am
hi there. thought I would chime in with the different perspective, only vaguely related, but a man's POV.

I am a MM. My A is with an amazing OW who is a divorced, single mother. She has no help from family, friends, ex, or anything else. She was 2000 miles away when we met, and I helped her move, not just for me but because she was in a bad situation financially, geographically, etc.

I love her. But I also like her a lot. Long before I thought she was moving here I helped her financially a few times because I could and I wanted to. I would never let her repay me, not now, not ever. I want her life to be good, I want her to be happy. The best thing I can do with my day is make someone else's better -- that's just how some of us are wired to operate.

If she decides later that we aren't meant to be, I'll be sad but I'll also feel very positive that during this time I've been a friend who has helped her get a handhold as she tried to pull herself up. She didn't ask me for help, I offered. That goes a long way to relieving any tension over finances.

Tell your OM your concerns about receiving help from him. Just tell him you don't know if something went wrong if you'd be able to repay him. If he is the kind of person you seem to describe him to be, he won't have any interest in repayment, he just thinks you deserve to escape the abusive relationship -- and you do.

The only thing I've ever gotten from the 700 Club was overheard, but changed my life: "If you want to make an enemy, loan someone money. If you see someone in need and you can help, just give them the money."

Good luck. And don't worry about the confusion; we're almost all confused. It's the price we pay for feeling and growing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 9:06am
Thank you raining confusion for your letter. I do hope that he does respond in the way you have. I know his ex wife sent him through the ringer finanacially when they divorced. I know as well right now is not the best time for him financially, but he took an assignment where he has the opportunity to put in lots of overtime and earn more money to help him with some of his debts and he says that when he returns that we will work together to get me out of my situation.

He never really explains to me what exactly he plans on and I don't want to pry. He just tells me not to worry as we will work together to get me out of my situation. Not knowing his plans makes me a tad bit nervous, but I think he is unable to tell me the extent of the money he will make on his assignment and therefore can't say how we will go about it.

Thank you again for your reply.