The Letter I Sent

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
The Letter I Sent
7
Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:09pm
There’s so much I want to say to you and every time I try, it just never comes out right, or the opportunity doesn’t present itself at the right time, or I just wimp out. So, writing a letter seems to be the best way for me to tell you some of the things that have been weighing on my mind.

First, I want to thank you for being a part of my life. You don’t know how special you are and how much you mean to me. For so long, I tried to fight off any and all feelings for you and thought I could control our situation. I was moving out of town anyway so it seemed easy enough…but of course, when I decided to stay, reality hit and I realized what was happening couldn’t be controlled. We could’ve stopped of course, and we’ve both tried, but somehow find ourselves right back in each other’s arms. The whole thing is just nuts! I try to stay away to do the right thing, but it kills me inside being away from you. The truth is, I want you bad, but I think you already know this! When we don’t see each other, I miss you like crazy. I go back and forth, telling myself, that yes, I can do this, I can hang in there because I don’t want you to go away, but other times, I think no way…no how…I won’t stand for this! Well, the latter only lasts for so long until I cave. I think you deal with the same thing (or maybe not…I guess I don’t really know). Either way, this is not good for either of us….but I don’t think this is news to you. I know some people do this for years and are content with their lives that way. I can’t see myself doing that. I can’t see myself one more year from now doing the same thing we’re doing now.

Wishful thinking sometimes takes over and I think about what it would be like if we were together…I know it would be great, but then reality kicks in. I kid myself into thinking that we can beat the odds and be part of that 10% that actually does work out, but then I remember that for the most part, you’re content with your life the way it is and don’t have any plans to change things.

You are an amazing person and you have no idea how often I think about you and wish we could be together. You’re sexy, intelligent, funny, caring, and the list goes on and on and no one compares. You don’t even realize your worth. The crappy part of all this is that you belong to someone else, and knowing this kills me. I feel like we have a special bond that goes beyond sex and I don’t want to lose it, but it’s not fair to me to have to share you and have you only on a part time basis. I want more than that and life is waaaaaay too short to live unhappy and settle for less. But, life can also be gone in an instant, with no warning, as I’ve recently learned, so at this point, I’d rather cherish the moments we share and make the most of it.

As you can see, I’m torn and our indecision keeps this thing going. What to do…what to do…. Having said all of this, I find it strange that I close this letter by saying I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. Thank you for all of the warm hugs, soft kisses, and invaluable stolen moments of time. You mean the world to me … I just wish I could have more of you.

Don’t freak out….

__________________________________________________________________________

Have I heard anything back: NO, not even a phone call

Do I feel like I've scared him away: Most definately

Do I feel like I made a big mistake and am deluding myself: Absolutely

Do I want out: Yes and No



iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 6:28am
bhappy: First, that was a beautiful letter! Sounds very similar to the feelings I have for my MM, but have been unable to express them for similar reasons. My only advice is to remember, not to over think! Remember that things come up in all our lives that prevent us from contacting one another etc. Try not to freak out too much! You DID not make a mistake by telling him how you feel. He should accept how you feel, whether he feels the same or not..maybe he just needs time to digest!

Try to have a nice day..hugs.!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:23am
Never, ever, ever feel guilty for sharing your feelings with your MM. I share my feelings with my MM all the time and he appreciates it a lot. Regardless of whether or not your MM has the same feelings, your feelings are your own and he should appreciate your honesty. Besides, keeping your feelings to yourself will sometimes do more damage than good!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 9:37am
Thank you for posting the letter. I crying as I type. It is beautiful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 11:29am
Thanks for your responses. I've written him so many letters, but never gave them to him because I was scared. Well, I'm over that now!!! I know he'll contact me eventually, but I can't stand the time in between...

Thanks for your replies :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:35pm
Sweetie -- it sometimes takes guys longer to digest. We are so invested emotionally, and they are just scared. Hang in there. The letter was beautiful, and I'm sure that even if he never says so, it touched him deeply. Prepare yourself for whatever his reply may be. He may choose NC for awhile, and you should steel yourself for that possibility. But you have a great gift of love to offer and I'm sure he realizes that. Hang in there.. we're sending hugs your way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 1:54pm
i couldn't have said any of these replies better!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 2:05pm
Thanks! I know it's going to take him awhile to digest it. Last month, I told him it was getting really tough for me and I wasn't sure how much longer I could do this. I told him I was falling for him. Well, we had NC for 3 weeks and then he finally called. I didn't initiate a mtg but I gave him a ration of crap for not calling. He just said he was very busy with work stuff, but now he has his life back. He told me I was special to him, which I just blew off (because I was still hurt by the NC). We got together a couple days later (which I initiated) and it was absolutely wonderful! We used to get together and have fun...ya know :)...and he'd rush out before 8p to be home for his kid's baths. We've been talking a lot more seriously lately and the sex part, it's still fun as ever, but we actually spend more time talking about our lives and each other. The last time we were together he stayed until after 9 and had such a hard time leaving :(. I told him that I was going to try to just take it day by day and not worry so much about where it's going and how it ends, which he was happy to hear. He told me he gets spooked easily, so I'm sure we'll go another few weeks with NC, but I'm going to try not to be upset about it and think too much into it. He'll call when he's ready. Thanks for the reminder!

He also said he was 53/47 about staying vs. taking action. I can't imagine what that must be like...well..I guess I can because I'm 50/50...on continuing or stopping altogether.

Okay, I'm just rambling now...Thanks a bunch for the support & a safe place to vent.