The Letter I Sent
Find a Conversation
| Tue, 02-17-2004 - 9:09pm |
First, I want to thank you for being a part of my life. You don’t know how special you are and how much you mean to me. For so long, I tried to fight off any and all feelings for you and thought I could control our situation. I was moving out of town anyway so it seemed easy enough…but of course, when I decided to stay, reality hit and I realized what was happening couldn’t be controlled. We could’ve stopped of course, and we’ve both tried, but somehow find ourselves right back in each other’s arms. The whole thing is just nuts! I try to stay away to do the right thing, but it kills me inside being away from you. The truth is, I want you bad, but I think you already know this! When we don’t see each other, I miss you like crazy. I go back and forth, telling myself, that yes, I can do this, I can hang in there because I don’t want you to go away, but other times, I think no way…no how…I won’t stand for this! Well, the latter only lasts for so long until I cave. I think you deal with the same thing (or maybe not…I guess I don’t really know). Either way, this is not good for either of us….but I don’t think this is news to you. I know some people do this for years and are content with their lives that way. I can’t see myself doing that. I can’t see myself one more year from now doing the same thing we’re doing now.
Wishful thinking sometimes takes over and I think about what it would be like if we were together…I know it would be great, but then reality kicks in. I kid myself into thinking that we can beat the odds and be part of that 10% that actually does work out, but then I remember that for the most part, you’re content with your life the way it is and don’t have any plans to change things.
You are an amazing person and you have no idea how often I think about you and wish we could be together. You’re sexy, intelligent, funny, caring, and the list goes on and on and no one compares. You don’t even realize your worth. The crappy part of all this is that you belong to someone else, and knowing this kills me. I feel like we have a special bond that goes beyond sex and I don’t want to lose it, but it’s not fair to me to have to share you and have you only on a part time basis. I want more than that and life is waaaaaay too short to live unhappy and settle for less. But, life can also be gone in an instant, with no warning, as I’ve recently learned, so at this point, I’d rather cherish the moments we share and make the most of it.
As you can see, I’m torn and our indecision keeps this thing going. What to do…what to do…. Having said all of this, I find it strange that I close this letter by saying I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. Thank you for all of the warm hugs, soft kisses, and invaluable stolen moments of time. You mean the world to me … I just wish I could have more of you.
Don’t freak out….
__________________________________________________________________________
Have I heard anything back: NO, not even a phone call
Do I feel like I've scared him away: Most definately
Do I feel like I made a big mistake and am deluding myself: Absolutely
Do I want out: Yes and No

Try to have a nice day..hugs.!
Thanks for your replies :)
CL-Gurlfriend50
Co-CL of My Affair Support Board
He also said he was 53/47 about staying vs. taking action. I can't imagine what that must be like...well..I guess I can because I'm 50/50...on continuing or stopping altogether.
Okay, I'm just rambling now...Thanks a bunch for the support & a safe place to vent.