"The Letter"--Part I. The First Envelope

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2003
"The Letter"--Part I. The First Envelope
5
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 1:15pm
"The Letter" is a fictional story I’ve written for posting on the My Affair board. It was originally posted in November of 2000 when I was still married and actively (almost daily) contributing to this board. Its subject matter is sufficiently timely to re-print here. I'm re-posting it because, after reading a lot of posts here lately, it reminds me of the posts I read when I was a lurker in the summer of 2000. The present-day posts are the same, but the posters are, of course, different. The hurts and heartaches then, as now, are timeless. And for that reason I re-post this piece of fiction.

For those who remember my predescessor (the thrice kicked out "Ockhamsrazor"), my relationship with the MW in California turned into a quagmire from which I'm only now recovering. I can truly testify that, when it comes to love, there is no such thing as geographic barriers. Only lies and deceit can tear down walls built by love.

Anyway, here's the story. "The Letter" is written in two parts. But, up front, I've included a sort of "Cliff Notes" summary.

Razor


The Rationale

Logically, it seems to me that (Extra Marital Affairs (EMAs) are, by their nature, temporary fixes to a troubled marriage. There are only two choices: 1) remain married to H for the rest of your life; or 2) get a divorce. There are a plethora of scenarios in the first option—continue with MM, seek out a new MM, tough it out with a H you don’t love, refocus with H. But divorce. Ahhhh, now that’s final. But it’s clean. It carries with it the destruction of the household, uprooting of the children (if any), financial hardships, loneliness, and (most underrated) fear of the unknown. Its huge advantage is that it is "a kick in the butt." Divorce gives the opportunity for at least one spouse to find his/her soulmate in life. And that’s a good thing. Yes?

Now here is where I’m gonna take some flak. So pelt away. If divorce is the best (perhaps only) long-term solution to a troubled (shall we say, irreparably damaged?) marriage, then why are not more posters (and for that matter, the general populace) choosing this route? The answer is: the courage to face the unknown. You’re absolutely correct when you reply that I’m talking theory here, but committing to a divorce is a logistical nightmare that usually places an onerous financial burden on the wife. But if all of you (and I included myself here also) believe that LOVE WILL FIND A WAY, then you will find the necessary time and resources to do what needs to be done.

Let me put a question to all of you. Let’s say you are totally convinced that you will never be in love with your husband. In that case I think most of us would get a divorce if we knew the person of our dreams would sweep us off our feet after emerging from the courthouse with the final document. BUT, would you divorce for the POSSIBILITY of a prince (or princess) that may (or may not) be out there? Say, one you’ve never met before, but are willing to take a chance that there IS someone out there with your name written on his/her forehead.

I don’t know the answers. But what I’ve done to help you (and me) think differently about our situations is to write a story. It’s called "The Letter."

Background Notes

The fictional wife (Linda) is a composite culled from many stories I’ve read here. She, like many of you, has realized that she’s trapped and she is looking for answers. Unlike many posters (and please, no criticism intended) she is determined to move the impasse off dead center. More likely than not her husband (Bill) is either clueless to the degree of her unhappiness or is resigned to the inevitability of a hollow marriage. Our heroine is a determined, strong-willed woman. We don’t’ know if she was always that way or whether her day-in-day-out humdrum has propelled her to act in a bold way.

Clearly Linda loves Bill, but right now she doesn’t know whether she’s ‘in love with him.’ Perhaps what nudged her to action was one too many arguments or sleepless nights crying into her pillow. I’d like to think (as an adherent of Chaos Theory) that it was a random event like hearing two moving songs back-to-back. (My candidates would be "She’s Leaving Home" by the Beatles and "Someday Lady You’ll Accompany Me" by Bob Seeger). There’s a particularly fetching line in Seeger’s song that may have set Linda in action. It goes: "I’ll take my chances, babe, I’ll risk it all. I’ll win your love or I take the fall." When hearing this, Linda would be thinking of that "someone" out there that she’s never met.

The first half of "The Letter" sets the stage for why she ‘s going through with this. The readers have to buy into the assumption that Bill, upon reading the letter, is forced to wake up to the reality of Linda’s angst to such a degree that he will accept her when she comes back. Bill’s character is purposely not fleshed out, but I would like to believe that he is the well meaning, caring, unemotional, passionless husband so often portrayed in posts herein. The word soulmate is bantered about quite often in the posts. The longest paragraph in this part of "The Letter" is gratuitous, and serves no purpose except to define for her (and to me, by the way) what a soulmate is. I find it poignant—some might consider it over-the-top sentimentality.

Part 2 of "The Letter" details Linda’s plan to find herself. How, for example, Linda would keep in touch with her husband through her confederate, Mrs. Giles. This was needed to be written in order to have the readers believe both the well-planned nature of the scheme as well as the mechanics of its execution. The reader should not overlook the importance of Linda assuring Bill that ONLY Mrs. Giles knows her whereabouts. It is understood, to conform to the real-life situations of the posters here, that Linda has a lover (of which Bill may, or may not, know about). If Bill is unaware that Linda has a married man (MM), then reading this would have no particular import for Bill. If however, Bill is aware that she has/had a lover, then Bill understands Linda has purposely excluded the MM from her plans. This would give Bill some hope that Linda might ultimately be with him again.

It is understood that Linda will find a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ answer as to whether she will remain married to Bill. She makes it quite clear that no amount of entreaty by her husband will make her change her mind to stay if she knows that Bill is not the one for her. She also recognizes the possibility that Bill may be the one. Thus the last paragraph is a paean to reunion.

This was written from a woman’s perspective because this is essentially a women’s board. There are no judgements made. You can read it as an amusing diversion; alternately you can read "into it" something that may help you decide what you want to do.



“The Letter”

Part I. The First Envelope

Darling, by the time you read this I will be miles away on a journey to find something I lost long ago—myself. I’ve done some crazy things lately, but I’ve never done anything like this and hence I’m feeling so scared right now. Being away from hearth and home is one thing, but what frightens me the most is that the person I’m looking for might not be there—or worse—finding her to be so shallow that the trip would’ve been made in vain. I’m betting against those odds. And hopefully that gamble will pay off when the new Linda meets her new William. Bill, this journey of mine will change BOTH of our lives. That’s guaranteed

I’ve written this letter many, many times. I’m typing this on my old Smith-Corona because all my attempts at longhand ended up illegible due to my tears smearing the ink. I don’t need to detail the litany of complaints we both have. We’ve done things—hurtful things—that I know we both regret. Suffice it to say that this is either a new beginning for us or the end of us being together.

Funny, for the first time in years you’re hearing me tell you about me and my wants and needs without being interrupted. That’s the beauty of letter writing, knowing you have a captive reader. You know that I’ve always been a hopeless romantic. THAT trait of mine will never change. And hopeless romantics like me see life as a sojourn of love and sharing through good times and bad. All hopeless romantics are, I guess by definition, fantisizers. We picture ourselves with soulmates. That is, someone whom we are drawn to in body, spirit, and mind. A person to whom we can confide our darkest (and sometimes most shameful) secrets. God. I’m crying so much now.

Maybe not everybody has a soulmate. I fervently hope I’ve been allotted one by the Almighty. And William—dear, dear William—if I have a soulmate, it might NOT be you. That being said, then I think you’ll understand that my journey has two main goals: 1) to reach really deep into myself to discern whether I do have a soulmate out there for me; and 2) if so, then is that soulmate my present husband?

Here is how I’d like the end of my life to be. At a ripe old age when the time draws nigh, my soulmate husband and I share the same room in a constant-care wing of an Old Folks home. I can feel myself slipping. I want something very, very special at this point. I want my final moment to be my most defining, my most loving moment. I ring for the nurse. Not just any nurse, but a fictional Mrs. Kramer, the head nurse on the wing. She knows our life story and hence is very symSarehetic toward accommodating our oft-stated wishes when the end comes. I told her how I want the end to occur, and she agrees to it when, she says, ‘you feel it is time.’ She comes in the room now. I can barely make her out, but I know it’s her. Slowly and ever-so gingerly she and the orderly roll me onto a dolly and cart me over to your bed. I have been told that you’ve been comatose for days. No matter. They free you from your IV umbilicals in order to make room for your wife to lie with you. They close the door behind them after positioning us face-to-face. Your eyes suddenly pop open and then, as I look deeply into those still beautiful baby blues, I can now truly understand why the eyes are windows to the soul. Mustering all the strength I have, I take your arm and put it on my pitiful sagging breasts. And then I touch your sadly shrunk member. In our last act of poignancy and humor, we acknowledge our situation by simultaneously clasping each other’s defining gender. The smiles are so sweet and so achingly serene. You and I are now slipping away together. Your eyes close first, then mine. Still now physically connected, we both see the white light ahead of us as we …couple…into……oblivion.

Bill, I am so overcome with what I just wrote. The words flew at the paper. I’m sweaty, yet cold. I’m sad, but in a strange way feel excited. I won’t get any sleep tonight. The taxi will be here in an hour, and 3 hours later you’ll stumble into the kitchen to find these two envelopes. I have so much more to write. And necessity dictates much of it concerns business and practical matters. Having read what I just wrote, it would be an act of sheer defilement to have those beautifully written sentiments touched by pages containing mere details. Those are in the second envelope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
OK, OK.... I'm bawling..... post letter #2!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Hi Razor,

The story was wonderful. Thanks for the Part 1. It reminded me of myself a lot of times. Very moving...

Juliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
that's a nice piece of fiction and thanks for posting it. but aren't you a man? and isn't your point of view completely different than a woman's viewpoint? can you describe childbirth from a woman's p.o.v.? or just based on the stories you've read and heard. not the same, believe me.

everyone takes the leap of faith into a relationship, any relationship, and based on many factors, it either works or doesn't work. and then you either "put up with it" or get out of it. granted, a long-term M with all the attendant issues like children, finances, etc. can be a hassle to get out of, but over 50% of us are doing so (or have done so). it's taking that first step, emotionally and then physically, to end the R/M that is hardest. followed by the fear of being alone. but you know what, when you get to The End, you have to make a decision to move on alone. because everyone in this world is alone. you cannot drag the kids around with you forever. they grow up and leave. you cannot drag the dog, cat, snake, bird, whatever around with you forever. they too end up gone.

so in life, it all comes down to ending up alone and being happy with yourself. because if you're not happy inside, you'll never be happy outside, with anyone. that sounds pretty gloomy, but it's really not. i firmly believe you have to love yourself, warts and all, before you can possibly love another. fully and completely and honestly. most people don't even like themselves, but they put up a great front and draw the others into it. that great facade dissolves eventually and the "real" you comes out. that's what you end up with in the R/M. and you're right back to the choice of living with it or getting the heck out.

btw, can't wait to see part II.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
I agree with you completely life. I read that "letter" and was mostly unimpressed. It is what it is, a completely fictional (and frankly, somewhat ridiculous) scenario that I felt was very contrived. The sentiment is meaningful, but it didn't ring true because I didn't feel like it was real at all. I guess I'd prefer to someone offer up their situation and talk about real issues and real people. But that's just me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
amen, bro!

life