a little advice...

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2008
a little advice...
Sat, 08-22-2009 - 11:15pm
Long story short: 12 yrs ago, i had a daughter w/ my now AP. We were young, very young, and he more emotionally immature than I. Needless to say, things did not work out b/c he cheated on me...we were not married at the time, as I said, we were young. We went back and forth, and finally he chose, spur of the moment to marry someone else, who is now his W, but the divorce papers are in the works now. I loved him, was ready to marry him, and would have gone anywhere for this man. He was in the military, and shortly after they were married, he was stationed in, let's say WA, and within a few months time his W decided that when you get married you move out of the house, not out of the state, and moved back to, let's say DE. Their marriage did not start on a solid foundation, due to the surrounding circumstances, and never became anything but being together for the kids. He eventually moved closer to her, and back in the state, and they now have 3 children together. As I said, they are getting divorced; the papers are drawn up and being finalized.
During that initial time, I made myself hate him, and moved on, or so I thought. I eventually married my now H when our daughter was 4; I married b/c I loved him, but also I knew I needed financial security as a young, single mom I was having a hard time doing it alone and refused to take government handouts, if you catch my drift. This coming month will be out 8th anniversary.
The situation is this:
2 years ago i was talking to my AP, my daughter's biological father, and he asked me if I was happy. I gave him some bs answer, but couldn't give him a straight answer and it bothered me for weeks. I couldn't tell myself I was happy, and that really hit me. I then sent him an email and started talking about things, and expressed to him my concern, and how things were with my feelings, and in this series of emails I realized that a part of my heart still belonged to him, but I had pressed that so far back I wouldn't let myself realize it.
We met up, and we talked about everything, his life, my life, and he apologized for how things turned out. He knew shortly into his marriage that he had made a mistake, and he knew he hurt me so deep. When he had returned from his deployment, I was engaged, so he never said anything about it, thinking that I was happy.
So two years ago the A began, and it was intense, but I tried to end it b/c I thought I would never leave my H, and he would never leave his W. The A progressed, this past spring we began talking about the future, and if there would ever be one. The one problem is that he and our daughter do not have a good relationship, and I don't want to hurt her, as she loves my H as her daddy. I was ready to leave my H this past spring though, emotionally I was ready to leave, not financially, and I know that's horrible. Due to family, I was able to spend this past summer at the shore; I did this purposely so I could spend more time with my AP, and we became so very close, and I know that he is who I want to be with.
I guess at this point, I should tell you that my H is a wonderful man, would walk to the moon and back for me, doesn't mistrust me in anyway, and loves me unconditionally. The only reason I have to leave him is b/c I'm not happy with him. I love him, yes, and don't want to hurt him, but I am not in love with him, and haven't been for some time.
I came back last week, and my AP is not happy with the situation. I'm here and my H thinks our M is perfect, except I have been extremely distant since my return. My AP is willing to wait for me to leave, but doesn't understand that there are numerous factors involved other than hurting my H and daughter. I am an adult student in my senior year in college, and I have come to far to throw it away. My AP is also in NJ, and b/c of his job, he cannot move up here, so I would be uprooting our daughter, which I really don't want to do. I have given this man a promise, and yes I realize I made a promise when I married my H, that he and I will be together, and he is waiting for me.
I am scared of leaving b/c I have no financial backing to fall on. I ruined my credit, and will have school loans out the wazoo after May. I'm doing 21 credits this semester, and my H doesn't make me work, since my daughter is in 7th grade, and she has her activities, and I'm in school. If I was to leave I know how excruciatingly hard it would be for me just to get by. I have no family in the current state I love in, just my H, so I possibly cannot stay here if I left, and my family, well let's say they do not care for my daughter's father.
I am torn. I know I cannot stay in this M, and I don't want to continue this R as an A, but I don't know how to leave. My AP accuses me of using my H, which I am, and I hate that. I am so confused, and scared of what's to come, but I know what I want, just am so very unsure as to how to get there.
Sorry this is so long, but it is a different kind of situation so I wanted to be sure things were understood. Words of advice would be so helpful and appreciated. I'm stuck between a rock and a crazy place, and I'm at a loss of how to get unstuck.