a little insight

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
a little insight
11
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:00am
I hope you don't mind me posting here being in the position of my husband being involved with OW, but I just wanted to share some insight. I will try not to make a novel out of this but it will be hard. I am not condemning anyone for doing this at all, because God knows, I know so many people that have had a A. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who have had one and numerous friends who have had one also. None of them turned out well! But I will just share my story. H met OW at work and moved back and forth for 4 years. (A lasted 7 years. We were married for 19 years and everybody thought we were the perfect couple. When I found out about it, my H said that it was just a fling, and she was coming on to him. (Same old story). He was telling me he loved me and telling her the same thing. Telling me he wasn't sleeping with her, and again lying to her about sleeping with me. One thing that I learned is that to "keep the peace", his words, he was getting the best of both worlds. Finally he started to think that he was in love with her and I found out he was always badmouthing me to her (Didn't cook, clean, nagging,didn't appreciate him, etc. which i found out is the not so unique universal complaint from men when they do have an A.LOL The bad thing is that my brother-in-law worked with both of them, and I would always hear things when he left to move in with her. Well, he lived with her for a year and still kept coming over to still try to sleep with me.(I wouldn't) and he would have the nerve to badmouth her to me about what a b she was , not good in bed, etc. He would tell her that he never saw me and would visit our son at a different location. He would come over to mow the lawn, always give me extra money,tell me he was always thinking about me. He actually said to me that he still loved me and not her and to prove it, that he had slept with a girl that worked with them also!(That was a good one!) My brother-in-law heard about it too. Well, I filed for a divorce and when we went to court, he actually started crying and begged me not to do it and said he would go to counseling. Well, i didn't go through with it and he moved back home. A went on for about 2 months longer.(Of course he said OW was harassing him and he didn't want me to find out). yeah right! She came to our house and said that he was still seeing her, so when she left, I packed his clothes and dumped them on the her front lawn. H left and was gone for 3 days and then came back home.By then it was pretty embarassing since everybody at work knew about it and my B-in-law always had to hear about it. He said that everybody at work was making fun of OW because she was hysterical at work(the boss wanted to her to go to a hospital) when husband took a leave of absence and didn't go to work for 2 weeks. He finally said that he was emotionally drained and called the counselor. OW called and left messages saying that she couln't live without him and if he wanted to, he could have us both, just don't cut her out of his life. That was an eye-opener for me and hearing her say that realized what low self esteem I had by letting him keep doing this to me. Well, went to counselor and it was so profound at what he had to say. People that have affairs for whatever reason are trying to fix what is wrong with the feelings that they have inside, and are looking for someone to fix them. My husband said it was an ego boost, but okay, why did he need that ego boost? Didn't he feel good enough about himself, that he needed someone else to validate him. If you are unhappy with your marriage, fix that problem or you are taking that same baggage with you to the new relationship. He said that people who have affairs, bad mouth the person they are having an affair with and the person they are married to, because who wants to admit that they are the ones messing up and the self -hate that they have for themselves when they do this. He told us that the people who have affairs that marry the OW or OM have a 70% divorce rate because they didn't solve the problems that led them to have one. I came to this board to see if the stories about people who are having affairs are the same ones that my H used to tell the OW ,and I see the same patterns over and over. No Contact, making excuses, hesitation, confusion on how MM and MW are relating to their spouses,(it's usually not to your benefit because the lies and the half-truths that they are telling you are because they don't want you to make a scene or they are scared you are going to tell their spouse). This is what I heard over and over from the people i know who have had affairs and from the few friends that were having them with their MM. I can tell you that I see how it would be a roller coaster of emotions for the OW or OM. The counselor made a good point and I don't want to make anyone angry, but he said that why would anyone want to be with someone who is "capable" of giving no respect to the person that they are married to and find it so easy to sneak around and lie? If that is in their character to easily do that, then when you are with them, the character that they had with their spouses is what is coming your way. The emotional, exhilarating high of being so much in love with your MM or MW is a great feeling! We have all had that, even when we started out with our spouses. But I guess you know, that the new infatuation eventually goes away after you have been together for a few years. My H is like a new person! A few things came out that he didn't deal with and was running away from(brother's suicide)etc. I take some blame because I, like alot of people in marriages do, take for granted that the person you are with are always going to be there for you no matter what. But then again, isn't that what everybody wants? To be secure in the knowledge that the person that you are sharing your life with and are in love with will always have your back?(And that's the way it should be!) My H is really trying hard to work on this marriage and sometimes I don't make it easy for him, but I see that we will make it. We are both so much happier now because we are communicating on a more emotional level that we have had been. The counselor said that you feel less vulnerable with the OW or OM, because when you have a history with your spouse and they know your weaknesses, it hurts more when they focus in on them. Again, I don't mean to come off on a soapbox, I don't blame the OW or OM because it is the person you are married to that is doing the betraying. But, don't be emotionally blackmailed by the MM or MW. Everybody deserves respect and a healthy relationship and you shouldn't expect anything less than that!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:40am
Congratulations on your rebuilding efforts. I have a question.. How do you deal with the character flaws your husband displayed? He's obviously a selfish liar as many of us here are, he's conniving as we all are. How do you deal with that? Is it always going to be there? What's your take on it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 9:58am
So, what's your story?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 10:03am
I think that was a very fair post. It was probably hard to read for many people, but it certainly was nothing but truthful. I do urge you to keep in mind that your situation is not necessarily the same as everyone else's. Your H was truly doing things that bordered on evil. I could never imagine playing both sides like that. I can tell you that I never spoke poorly of my W to my OW and I certainly never said a bad word about my OW to my W. Why would I do that? I certainly love and respect them both, although in different ways.

I will admit though, that it was my own issues in my M and inside myself that led me to have an A. I have since begun to deal with those issues and unfortunately, in my situation, it is leading me to end my M. Your counselor said that those who have A's and then get married often end up divorced again because they haven't dealt with what led them to have an A in the first place. I believe that to be a true statement. And that is why I am dealing with my own flaws and weaknesses. I know that I had an A because I wasn't happy in my M and because I was too scared to admit that. I'm not weak anymore. I know what is right and I, for one, have made a promise to myself that I will not have an A again. I certainly am not judging everyone who has an A because I know everyone's situation is different. But for me, it only made me dislike myself. And I want my next committed R to be about honesty and trust. I'm capable of that now.

I hope that whatever the future holds for you, you are able to find peace. Your H is trying to come to terms with his issues and that is great. It will be a long road I'm sure. Just stay strong and keep believing in yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 1:54pm
I don't understand where your little insight comes from but hey...if it makes you feel better to tell me those things ---- greaaaaaaat I am applausing !!!

You don't know the circumstances of all of our relationships...you read bits and pieces of what we feel is "safe" to share on a community board -

For all you know I could be your best friend....your sister..maybe your brother's wife -

The appearances of "we are the perfect couple" is just that ...an appearance -

For 1 no on is perfect - why a couple can't just be real is beyond me

I am no homewrecker - my MM does what he does on his own free will -

I did not make him do anything he did not WILLINGLY want to do --- and I do not make him call me -

I give him what any man wants - attention, openness, appreciation, understanding and most of all I let him be a boy...

If I was as evil as you want to believe I would be standing on his doorstep with my shotgun in hand FORCING him to make a choice that you seem to think a MAN or WOMAN is capable of making on their own -

I let a lot of trolls in when I came here

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 2:59pm
Wow, thanks for your thoughtful post! I thought I would get beaten up here because of my adding my take on what it has been like for me. I started reading the other side of the story because it is part of healing to get both sides of an affair. I'm sure that people that post here lurk on the other side of the story board too. Let's face it, "Everybody" goes through pain when this happens, and sometimes the devastation and turmoil that is present when an A is brought out, brings with it a toxic situation in your relationship with your OW or OM. I am only basing my opinions on my situation and from so many people that I know that have had an A, plus the fact that mostly when reading all the posts here that a lot of people who are the OW or OM are feeling confused by the situations created by their MM or MW and where do they fit in their lives. Honestly, you are one of very few who doesn't put down your spouse or your OW. Everybody that I know that started an A, started saying things negative things about either one, depending on who they were trying to protect. (Mostly themselves). As far as character flaws, someone asked how do I deal with my H since he evidently had them and had an A, so why would I want to be with him, well, guess what? We all do have them and the ones that prevent you from having a healthy, loving, respectful relationship are the ones that I don't want to be involved with. If my H, after counseling, feels healthier and finds out about himself and why he felt the need and the reasons to bring only what could turn out to be negative chaos into his life, and the people who are in it(including the OW or OM) by having a A,wants to end this marriage, it would be based on "our" relationship only, and not having a "cushion" to fall back on, as he stated to the counselor, to help him forget about his problems. I have forgiven him only because I see that he is trying so hard for us to stay together and work on this relationship. Once the shock wears off and you can think more clearly, I know that I will never go through this again, because it's pointless and the only person that you can change is yourself. All of us "deserve" to have a relationship in which you feel secure in your trust of that person. Like I said, I know that the OW or OM are in pain too, when they are involved with the A and I guess you would have to ask yourself, why the MM or MW are putting you through it and why you are accepting it? If they are not working to solve the problem with either ending the marriage to be with you,(and not just making excuses and promises) then what is the payoff to you other than wasting your time on someone who is trying to run away from a situation and making you feel hurt and pain instead of trying to fix it? Why do you keep accepting this treatment? I know what some of the answers will be, that "I am so much in love", "couldn't imagine not being in their life", "can't stop thinking about them" etc, etc. Well remember, I'm sure you had these same thoughts and feelings before in your life, and we all want that to last forever, but in reality, unless you have a different relationship every couple of years, that "new", "exciting", "heartpounding" feeling is always replaced. Best of Luck to all of You, and thanks for letting me just give my point of view. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:59pm
I wanted to post this because I wanted you to realize that i know everybody has their different take on a A from their own experiences. I don't think that a OW or OM is evil and the label "homewrecker" is a dumb cliche to me, because they have no responsibility towards the MW or MM spouses. The MM or MW is the person who initiated the A. and the spouse is the one that has to accept that. "It could be your sister, brother, friend,etc," Well, it has been, and no, they are not evil people, just people who brought more problems in their life when they already had enough. If you are happy with your situation, then I could see that by reading my post, you would think that i am lecturing or passing judgement. People will accept what they think they deserve. If this relationship works for you and you are content with your situation and his, and not ever having any insecurities in your A whatsover, well then, nothing that I have said will change your thoughts. I used the word "insight" to describe mine only from my experiences, and the questions that I asked, have been stated by some of the posters here about situations with their MM or MW. I am just observing that so many people are stating their dissatisfaction with the situations that they are involved in with their A.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 4:54pm
you said.....I am just observing that so many people are stating their dissatisfaction with the situations that they are involved in with their A.

Right and I totally agree with that statement 199% !!!!

My MM and I are absolutely "content" - I say content because I don't want to sound like I am a friggin honeymooner....I adore him like nothing else in this world - and maybe the word you are looking for is women like me and men like him are just cowards...we are too afraid to seek out what we truely think we need -

I know I am indecisive....I am scared of the unknown...wthere are lots of things wrong with me that I don't need to pay a therapist to tell me LMAO !!!

But thanks for the insight -

Kikki

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 6:56pm
My MM rarely says anything negative about his wife, either. And he easily could say things...she's gained a lot of weight, and just overall isn't that attractive. But he NEVER says anything about that. I have a lot of respect for him for that. If he did back stab her severely, I would have second thoughts about the relationship.

Also, neither me nor my MM has kids. We've both been married less than 3 years. That doesn't make it right, it just makes it different.

Each situation and relationship is very different.

Also, it may sound like a lot of us are miserable in our As. But in ANY relationship, there's analyzing, questions, doubts, etc. This is a place to post those things, and get support from those who are facing similar circumstances. Yes, some of us are dealing with lots of emotional struggles. But I think these boards make it seem worse than reality.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 7:29pm
I'm going to address this to you, but this is what I wish I could say to his wife:

Do you understand that you are the _one_ person in the affair that I truly dread and regret hurting? Do you understand that I am in an utter panic when I think that we might get discovered because I _don't_ want that hurt for you?

If he were to leave you, or you were to leave him, then we could shout our love from the rooftops. But he's built a life with you...and you are in many ways, as essential to him as oxygen. He does love you. But you know, I love each of my children, and that love is all encompassing, and totally different with each one.

Your husband and I love each other. There are things we've shared through eternity. I've prayed for his well-being since I was a child, so I guess I've been praying for you as well. Do I want him to leave you? No, not really. I respect what you've given him and I want him to be happy. You certainly deserve happiness.

But if he were unhappy with you, would I want him to stay? Not for a second. I want that no more than I would want you to stay if you were incomplete and miserable in your marriage. Please understand that I've encouraged him to work on things with you. I've offered to disappear to allow him to focus on your relationship.

It rips my heart into shreds to think something might happen to him and I wouldn't know, or couldn't be there to support him. I actually wish I could be there to support you, as well. He's a winner, and that must mean you're an awesome woman. For that matter, he's said as much to me. My best support will just have to be through prayer, and thank heavens, he at least has told someone to let me know, just in case. I would never inflict myself upon you. I just wish...

Truthfully, part of what I give to him, you've rejected. If I could give you any advice, I'd tell you to read his book. Show interest in his accomplishments. Don't forget the little things...he needs them. You've developed a routine that is comfortable and comforting, but he misses sharing those things with you. Turn off the soaps, get out your apron and help him fix that gourmet meal you both enjoy. I'm not telling you that you have to share everything, but you're leaving an awful hole in the person with whom you've chosen to share your life.

I'm not going to quit loving your husband. I might be able to walk away from the physical side of _our_ relationship, but emotionally I will continue to be there for him. He's my Querido and the love we share will, I hope, help him to be stronger, happier and even more loving.

But I really, really don't want you to hurt. And I'm truly sorry that I risk that every single day of my life. Please forgive me. I love him, too.



The Other Woman


Edited 4/2/2004 8:32 pm ET ET by cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Fri, 04-02-2004 - 8:52pm
dammit.

That's twice today you've done that to me, Cazrida. Neither time did I see it coming.

rain

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