a little insight
Find a Conversation
a little insight
| Fri, 04-02-2004 - 3:00am |
I hope you don't mind me posting here being in the position of my husband being involved with OW, but I just wanted to share some insight. I will try not to make a novel out of this but it will be hard. I am not condemning anyone for doing this at all, because God knows, I know so many people that have had a A. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters who have had one and numerous friends who have had one also. None of them turned out well! But I will just share my story. H met OW at work and moved back and forth for 4 years. (A lasted 7 years. We were married for 19 years and everybody thought we were the perfect couple. When I found out about it, my H said that it was just a fling, and she was coming on to him. (Same old story). He was telling me he loved me and telling her the same thing. Telling me he wasn't sleeping with her, and again lying to her about sleeping with me. One thing that I learned is that to "keep the peace", his words, he was getting the best of both worlds. Finally he started to think that he was in love with her and I found out he was always badmouthing me to her (Didn't cook, clean, nagging,didn't appreciate him, etc. which i found out is the not so unique universal complaint from men when they do have an A.LOL The bad thing is that my brother-in-law worked with both of them, and I would always hear things when he left to move in with her. Well, he lived with her for a year and still kept coming over to still try to sleep with me.(I wouldn't) and he would have the nerve to badmouth her to me about what a b she was , not good in bed, etc. He would tell her that he never saw me and would visit our son at a different location. He would come over to mow the lawn, always give me extra money,tell me he was always thinking about me. He actually said to me that he still loved me and not her and to prove it, that he had slept with a girl that worked with them also!(That was a good one!) My brother-in-law heard about it too. Well, I filed for a divorce and when we went to court, he actually started crying and begged me not to do it and said he would go to counseling. Well, i didn't go through with it and he moved back home. A went on for about 2 months longer.(Of course he said OW was harassing him and he didn't want me to find out). yeah right! She came to our house and said that he was still seeing her, so when she left, I packed his clothes and dumped them on the her front lawn. H left and was gone for 3 days and then came back home.By then it was pretty embarassing since everybody at work knew about it and my B-in-law always had to hear about it. He said that everybody at work was making fun of OW because she was hysterical at work(the boss wanted to her to go to a hospital) when husband took a leave of absence and didn't go to work for 2 weeks. He finally said that he was emotionally drained and called the counselor. OW called and left messages saying that she couln't live without him and if he wanted to, he could have us both, just don't cut her out of his life. That was an eye-opener for me and hearing her say that realized what low self esteem I had by letting him keep doing this to me. Well, went to counselor and it was so profound at what he had to say. People that have affairs for whatever reason are trying to fix what is wrong with the feelings that they have inside, and are looking for someone to fix them. My husband said it was an ego boost, but okay, why did he need that ego boost? Didn't he feel good enough about himself, that he needed someone else to validate him. If you are unhappy with your marriage, fix that problem or you are taking that same baggage with you to the new relationship. He said that people who have affairs, bad mouth the person they are having an affair with and the person they are married to, because who wants to admit that they are the ones messing up and the self -hate that they have for themselves when they do this. He told us that the people who have affairs that marry the OW or OM have a 70% divorce rate because they didn't solve the problems that led them to have one. I came to this board to see if the stories about people who are having affairs are the same ones that my H used to tell the OW ,and I see the same patterns over and over. No Contact, making excuses, hesitation, confusion on how MM and MW are relating to their spouses,(it's usually not to your benefit because the lies and the half-truths that they are telling you are because they don't want you to make a scene or they are scared you are going to tell their spouse). This is what I heard over and over from the people i know who have had affairs and from the few friends that were having them with their MM. I can tell you that I see how it would be a roller coaster of emotions for the OW or OM. The counselor made a good point and I don't want to make anyone angry, but he said that why would anyone want to be with someone who is "capable" of giving no respect to the person that they are married to and find it so easy to sneak around and lie? If that is in their character to easily do that, then when you are with them, the character that they had with their spouses is what is coming your way. The emotional, exhilarating high of being so much in love with your MM or MW is a great feeling! We have all had that, even when we started out with our spouses. But I guess you know, that the new infatuation eventually goes away after you have been together for a few years. My H is like a new person! A few things came out that he didn't deal with and was running away from(brother's suicide)etc. I take some blame because I, like alot of people in marriages do, take for granted that the person you are with are always going to be there for you no matter what. But then again, isn't that what everybody wants? To be secure in the knowledge that the person that you are sharing your life with and are in love with will always have your back?(And that's the way it should be!) My H is really trying hard to work on this marriage and sometimes I don't make it easy for him, but I see that we will make it. We are both so much happier now because we are communicating on a more emotional level that we have had been. The counselor said that you feel less vulnerable with the OW or OM, because when you have a history with your spouse and they know your weaknesses, it hurts more when they focus in on them. Again, I don't mean to come off on a soapbox, I don't blame the OW or OM because it is the person you are married to that is doing the betraying. But, don't be emotionally blackmailed by the MM or MW. Everybody deserves respect and a healthy relationship and you shouldn't expect anything less than that!

Pages
Pages