A little more coherent this time...
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| Thu, 05-21-2009 - 2:52am |
Ok, so my first post was written at 3 in the morning on very little sleep and in a fairly emotional state so it was kind of hard to follow... my apologies... I'm still pretty tired (it seems to go with territory of third trimester but it's still a PITA) but I'm just so lost in this...
This time I'll try to cut out a lot of the background just suffice to say that AP and I had gone to school together for several years (well until high school it was more we rode the same bus on occasion but it's all the same in the end) and then his sr year we dated for about nine months and split up for extremely stupid reasons on my part. And for some reason I was the one who got mad and wouldn't speak to him for the longest time. Eventually however we did start talking again and it didn't take long to realize we still had the same feelings from before, although we both agreed that it would be best to not rush back into anything. And we did stay just friends for awhile before we got back together... But since it was my sr year and I was, well, I wasn't lacking for any amount of attention (and I'll be honest, I really liked being the hottest thing around) I kind of let it go to my head and dumped stable-albeit-long-distance relationship for close-to-home fun...
Not too long after that he got deployed and we stayed in contact even though I know for a fact it was almost impossible for him to get to use the phone as often as he managed... I still don't have a clue how he did manage to do it, but every couple of nights he'd call to let me know he was still ok and to see how I was doing and then just talk about everything (how much he hated losing contact with everyone, how beautiful it was over there, how boring his particular post was, what the future holds - yes we're the corny ones who stare up at stars and wonder what's out there lol, etc)... He was dating another girl from our hometown at this point but whenever he would call her she'd either be on her way out or already at a party or hanging out with her ex-fiance... And, like I'd tried to warn him about, it comes out that she'd been cheating on him since even before he deployed. *Note- NOT JUDGING HER, that's not my place and I clearly have no room to talk. I do think she could've been a little better in breaking the news to him but again, not really my place...* It completely devastated him. I don't think it would have been as hard on him as it was but he was stuck overseas and had been having family/friend trouble since he left the states (I was pretty much the only one who would drop everything to talk to him, even his mom would try to rush through the calls so she could get back to whatever she was doing) and then she (the gf) answers the phone one night and just flat out tells him she was back with her ex and everything that they'd done... I was so worried about him for the next couple weeks, until he hit the anger part and then I knew he'd be ok, but the depression stage was murder!
Anyway, we started sort-of-dating (well, agreed to try again when he got home but stay exclusive until then... it made sense at the time), a few months before he was due to come home. And the plan then was for me to stick out one miserable semester at a college I didn't even know anything about just to keep my parents happy, and then I'd fly out to see him over xmas break and we'd take it from there... *Just an FYI, there was never any (with the exception of that first break up and the resulting silent period) and still is very little doubt that we end up together in the end, it's just getting on the same page we've had trouble with.*
Back on topic - I started college, and for the longest time just focused on classes and a small group of friends. Until one night one of my friends and I went out and got stoned so we could watch Across the Universe (the things that make sense in college I will never understand...), we went back up to my room and my roommate was sitting there talking to the guy who is now the father of this bouncy child inside of me... we dated for awhile but things went really sour about the 5th month and now it's just causing a bunch of headaches with CS and all that fun stuff... So yeah, pretty much wound up NOT flying out to see AP is the point of all this...
But we did stay in constant contact... He wound up dating some girl out there, not quite sure why since they never had anything but problems... And maybe I'm just being cocky here, but I do completely blame myself for the majority of what happens next... Out of everyone I was nervous about telling I was expecting, he was the one I was most nervous about. I mean, from the first time we dated he was the only guy I'd ever planned on having kids with, it was just thinkable with anyone else. and on some level it's the same with him (not pushing my emotions onto him, he told me that at one point)... Well not too long - a couple months - after that he tells me he's been thinking about doing a contract marriage with the girl he'd been seeing. after the initial drop-the-phone shock of hearing the word marriage and that girl's name in the same sentence, I tried to explain that it didn't make sense to marry a person you couldn't stand - no matter what kind of benefits you get from your jobs & the gov for being married, it's not worth spending two years of your life in complete misery... And at the time I only had just-good-friends intentions since I was happy with FOB... But in March/April he wound up marrying her anyway.
And not a week has gone by since that he hasn't said in some form that he regrets it... He gets zero respect, no affection, no appreciation, and very rarely anything more than "hi how ya doin, ok good night"... and I know I only get one side of the story, and I know that, really, he shouldn't expect all that much from a marriage that's only a marriage on paper... But still, everyone deserves to know that someone cares. Everyone deserves to have their dreams supported and not shot down. everyone deserves some degree of respect... So that's what I give him. It's entirely an EA, not to mention very much long distance (half the freakin country)... But I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't allow it to cross the line between emotional and physical. I don't know that it will ever come to that though...
The contract marriage is up in just under two years... And then he's transferring back here. I'm not going to keep my hopes up, a lot can change in that amount of time... But for now, just being there for him, knowing that I'm still the one in his heart is more than enough...
*side note - there was a lot of confusion before about what I mean when I refer to a contract marriage... and I can't really explain it because I only vaguely understand it myself... the best example I can come up with is if you ever saw "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry"... How they fake a marriage to get the life insurance benefits for his kids? It's kind of the same thing, except it's a real marriage and not nearly as amusing, and there are no kids involved...
I hope this one is a little bit easier to understand... It's a complicated situation so it's kind of hard to explain anyway...




~We are what we are at heart and that cannot change~