a little update

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
a little update
8
Sat, 11-15-2003 - 8:35pm
Hi eveyone!Well I'm just posting a little update on my a.Still going on and I'm getting more serious with om and in the process of geting very pissed.Om just doesn't seem to want to call off his engagement.He says he doesn't have the heart because he cares for her alot but doesn't love her but can learn to.I don't agree with that at all.He says that we can still have the a we'll just have to meet in other places besides his apartment.Why in the heck would he marry her if he was still wanting to have an a?Does that make since?I think he wants his cake and eat it to.He said he can't ask me to leave my family for him because he can't give me want I deserve.Yet he still want the a to go on.What do you guys think?I really wish I would just get wise and stop this whole mess but I really do have some strong feelings for him,I think more so then I do h.How can I be so happy yet so sad?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:34am



Hi there,


I must say that this baffles me, you mean to say he is not yet married

but doesn't want to end it b/c he thinks he will learn to love her!!!!!

What the hell is that about....... I am sitting here shaking my head... now

i've heard everything...OMG!!!!!!! I am just freaking about this, I really am

So you could be together if you were to leave your H which is sounds like you

are considering and you love him... does he know that you do??? How long have you

been in this A together? I am sorry carebear, for my strong reaction... I think

he is scum, worse than a MM because he has a choice in this at this point..a

MM has less choice, I think mainly if there are children... the MM will stay, then too,

the OMW often stays for that reason too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:47am
You're right.. he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You're "safe" because you're a MW. He doesn't have to commit to you but still gets all the benefits of the relationship. If you're just in it for the physical, this is fine. If you love him, then he's not showing that love in return. Hope I'm not being too blunt, just trying to be honest.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 9:24am
I'm breaking away from the other posters here.

From what I can get from your post (sorry, I don't know your whole story so take this for what's it's worth based on the small amount of information I have)... you are M and not leaving your M. He is single and engaged.

If you aren't leaving your M to be with him, then he is free to marry whom he chooses.

If you are leaving your M to be with him, then you're making a mistake because he's already told you he can not give you what you want.

If he broke off the engagement, would the affair still go on? Why is it ok for you to be the married partner but not for him? His R with his fiancee is his business... and if he cheats on her, that's his business, not yours. People marry for all kinds of reasons, and he seems determined to marry her, and to make it work.

If you're happy with the A as it is, then enjoy it. If not, get out. Because your OM has already made it clear that an A is all you will ever have together.

It sounds to me like you are both operating from different foundations in this R. What do you really want? And is he the right person to deliver?

Good luck.

Tai

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 12:50pm
Thanks for you reply.No he is not yet m but is engaged.He says he cares for her alot and that he can learn to love her.No he can't.I asked him why would he even get m if was still going to have an a with me.He said because he has stronger feelings for me but like I said can learn to love her.I just don't think this a could continue because it would be even harder to make time for each other.He told me when we first started this a which was about 6 months ago that he wanted me to make more time for him and so I did.I've been working alot of over time (not)that's just my excuse to my h.So I really need to be careful I know.Anyway I just feel like it was meant for us to meet and be together.We have so much fun together so much in common.I'm willing to take the chance of leaving my m to pursue our relationship and he just says he can't ask me to leave my m because he can't give me what I deserve.I understand that but we can work towards that just like me and my h did.I asked him if it had to do with my kids and he said absolutely not.He told me that I never know what will happen down the road.Yea I guess not.We were talking about our dreams one day and it was so funny because we both said our biggest dream was to go to Paris one day,and we both want to go to Vegas.We were planning a trip to Veags so I told my h I was going with a few friends at work and boy he was pissed.He won't let me do anything on my own like that anyway.Well I told him I was going to anyways so he let it go.I let om know the prices I could get the trip for and he said ok go ahead and book the trip.I was so happy we were going to have the whole weekend together and then later on he tells me we better wait because he's not sure if his fiance will be back by then.I was pissed.Well I'm still going but now I'm going with my mom.All I can do is wait and see what happens.If he does get m then I will not continue on with this a.It will hurt but I will stop it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 1:37pm
Thanks taisiamass for you reply.I just wrote alot to let you know about my situation and hit the wrong key and lost it all.I am willing to leave my h for him as long as he can except my kids,and he said he could.I don't want him to get m because then it would be harder to pursue our relationship.He knew when he first told me he had strong feelings for me that I was m.Leaving my m might be a big mistake but I'm willing to take that chance.I have been m for 11 years and I love my h but I'm not in love with him.He is a great man but my feelings just aren't there anymore.I've tried to rekindle my love for him but it just doesn't help.I talk to a counselor but it doesn't seem to help.The counselor gave me some good advice and I've tried but it doesn't seem to help.Why should om m her if he doesn't want this a to end.All I can do I guess is wait and see what happens.If were meant to be then it will be if not then it won't be.My m might last and it might not.I think were both (me and om)confused as hell.Nothing you said offended me I know you are just stating your opinion.At this time I feel like I want ot be with om.But the counselor did make a good point about I felt like this when I first met my h so how do I know that down the road I won't lose interest in om.I don't know that.I know om cares for me and so I guess I'll just hold on to that for now.Hope this post makes since.Like I said I had alot written down then it disappeared and that kinda made me mad.H is home so I can't say any more.Fill free to respond if you want.All advice is appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 8:38pm
What worries me, Carebear, is that OM is telling you not to leave your H and that he can't give you whatever it is he thinks you need... so if your OM doesn't want you to leave your M to be with him, why would you? If you packed your bags and walked into OM's arms tomorrow, what would his reaction be? What is it that either of you are waiting for, before taking that step?

I am glad you were not offended, and I am sorry you lost most of your original response (I HATE that and it happens to me a lot). My concern is that it sounds like your OM is telling you exactly what he wants... M to fiancee and an EMA with you... but you are hoping he will change his mind. I'm not sure if he's given you any signs to base that hope on. It seems like an honest talk is in order, but that means asking the painful questions AND listening to the answers. Then deciding what you want to do from there.

Also, if you can fall in and out of love with your H, why can't he be out of love then fall in love with his fiancee? Emotions are funny that way.

Good luck, Carebear. Remember to take care of yourself first. You are the only one who will...

Tai

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 10:19am
Well Carebear...Im in the practically the exact sitation you are in...I am married (no children) and involved with a man who is engaged to be married to someone he "loves but he is not in love with", his words, not mine.

When we entered this thing I made it clear I was never going to leave my marriage. I have a husband who is everything I could expect a partner to be. We have common goals and priorities and I love him very much. I have come to realize that marriage isnt about that high in-love feeling and marriage isnt about things always being picture perfect or easy everyday. Its about being a partner with someone who through thick and thin is always there by your side - someone you work well with in the business of life - someone who at the end of the day can just lay next to you in bed and give you a sense of security and comfort. I have that and I wouldnt trade that for the world.

At times it breaks my heart to think that my OM will someday stand up infront of all of his friends and family and pledge his faithfulness and life to this girl and take her on as his wife and the mother of his children. But then I come back to reality. What do I have to offer to him? Nothing but a few hours a week and a call or two a day...Im not about to uproot my life in the name of love or lust or anything of the sort. It's a reality thing.

And I must agree that your OM is giving it to you straight. He's not dancing around the conversation. He has said that 1) He's going to marry her 2) That he wont ask you to leave your marriage and most importantly 3) that he cant give you what you deserve. That is a very bold statement for him to make and I suggest you listen to him.

In my case I used to think that the ball was all in my court - If I left my DH then OM would leave his fiance and we'd be together...now Im not so sure of that and instead of that fact making me sad it makes me happy because I think he's starting to realize that he may not have such a bad thing with her. She tolerates his crap and trust me, he can dish it! Now she's having his baby and that to gives him more responsibility and I know his love for her has grown with her carrying his baby - I can tell that and it makes me happy because I love him enough to want to see him have what my DH and I have together.

Keep it real carebear and email me if you wanna talk more...

cl-liberalgirl

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2003
Mon, 11-17-2003 - 6:37pm
Thanks again taisiamass.I'm not leaving my h but was serious thinking about it.I'm not sure what's going to happen of course.I guess if om asked me to and meant it I proberly would.We will have a serious talk and if he really wants to get m and learn to love her then that's fine.I will break away from this a no matter how hard it may be.I do have a good h so working on my m might really be for the best.I'll take things one day at a time and go from there.I will keep you and everyone else interested up to date.