Living the Moment

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Living the Moment
7
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 7:56am
I woke up this morning thinking about an incident which happened two years ago. I am the oldest of five children and was in my hometown for my youngest sister's graduation from college. I remember driving down the road by myself and sobbing uncontrollably because I had this overwhelming feeling of ENVY. I was so envious that she still had all these things in life to look forward to - all my siblings did - all these "firsts" that were over for me. I had achieved all the traditional milestones in life - graduation from high school, graduation from college, marriage, first car, first house - and what was there now to look forward to?

After that weekend was over, I pushed those thoughts out of my mind and returned to my happy little life. And it really was happy. Anyone from the outside looking in would think it was practically perfect...good marriage, good job, nice home...and I believed, and still do, that I was incredibly lucky to have my life. I truly thought that there was nothing missing.

Then 3 1/2 months ago, my MM kissed me and for the first time in a long time, I felt like I was actually LIVING my life. It was as if I had been moving underwater and someone had just pushed me to the surface and I had taken my first deep breath in years. Before, everything had been nice to look at, but a little out of focus and muffled. Now, everything has come into focus and the sights and sounds of my life are so much richer.

There's a line in the play "Our Town" which says something like (and I'm paraphrasing big-time here), "Does anyone ever see the beauty of life...every, every moment?" And of course we don't, we can't. But my A & my MM have given me new eyes with which to look at my life...both the good and the bad. I think that people are sent into our lives for a reason, and I think that the reason he is in mine was to wake me up and make me appreciate THIS moment. Life is so short and we so rarely EXPERIENCE it to the fullest.

Does that justify what I'm doing? Of course not. But I hope that the lesson I keep from this experience, long after it's over, is to not take my life for granted...to live it fully and completely...and to not be afraid to shake things up when I need to.

Have a wonderful day, everyone! Carpe Diem!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:58am
I envy your optimism. I am usually in a great place about my A. I mostly gain emotional support from it rather than physical but I feel it usually gives me strength to deal with the day to day of my M and what not. I too have a great life and although I cannot justify it, my A sort of completes that. Right now today I am not in a great place b/c of other reasons (in another post) but long story short we were supposed to get together and now cannot. We raelly do not see each other too much. I just really wanted to see him. It is ok though. It will be another time. Having him to with me, even in just thoughts and words really is a huge support.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 2:41pm
Jess

Ahhhh spoken like a true NewlyEMA!! Keep up the postiive attitude, you'll need it on the days he doesn't keep up the contact. In other words don't expect the usual things you experience in "normal" relationship. I think one of the things I have to keep reminding myself is that we can't progress like we were both single. You know, those first dates where you can't wait to see him again? You know you will. Or the fact you can't go to dinner or out for a drink like other couples do? He talks about how he always ends up in his spa alone with a drink and thinks about me. I can't just pop over and join him like I would normally be able to do! It can be extremely frustrating but I didn't mean to rain on your happy parade there, enjoy!

DeeDee

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 6:40pm
Wow, DeeDee...you not only rained on my parade...you hiked your leg on it too. :)

I don't expect anything "normal" out of this relationship. I already have a "normal" relationship which I'm happy about. I don't want to duplicate that relationship in any way with my MM. What would be the point? As I've said on this board before, I don't want to fold his laundry or pay bills. I want to have fun and in the process, learn some things about myself and my MM. I know that there will be days that aren't great. But I also know that when it stops being fun or when it makes me more sad than it makes me happy, I will end it. Will it be easy? No. Will I be glad that I had the experience? Yes. I am grateful for all the experiences in my life - even the saddest, most painful ones - because they have made me the person I am today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 8:39pm
I totally agree about just seizing the moment and enjoying life. I've felt great guilt about my A because I have a happy marriage with my H, and he treats me so well. But the A is so much fun, and so energizing, that I don't want to let it go. I haven't seen OM in over a week..but he has this Friday off. So after my H leaves for work and I drop my kids off at school, I'm driving right to OM's apartment. Just the thought of that has put me in such a great mood all week. I don't want to let that enjoyment go!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:32pm
I totally agree with you!!!

I've always been such a "high achiever" in my life that I've never *really* stopped to smell the roses. But the A has made me do so. Yes the lows are lower, but the highs are so-much-higher. When I get a chance to be with MM, wow. Otherwise, it seems like each day just repeats, over and over and over and over again.

Yes, this is idealistic thinking. But I have the philosophy of just living life right now.

Carpe diem!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-14-2004 - 9:38pm
Jessie

I was nodding my head the whole entire time I was reading your post about the various experiences in our lives that have past. I have been in such a horrible mood today because I passed the bridal gown salon at the mall and became so sad that I experienced all that, am already married, am living my life with my H (who is my best friend but am not in love with) but did not experience the wedding stuff with the true love of my life, my MM. I do try to enjoy the moment with him but the sadness tends to overcome me sometimes. I watch TV/movies, look at all these guys and girls around me that are dating and I can't help but be so envious of the fact that they are still in that process.

My MM and I may never end up together (he has a 15 month old son that he cannot imagine leaving) so we are holding on to what we've got. It's really hard.

I think it's great that you are positive about this experience. When it feels like it's meant to be, it's great! I wish I could feel this way all the time but the sadness and desperation does creep in every so often when all I want to be is in the arms of my true love.

Torn

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Thu, 04-15-2004 - 5:28am
Jess

I am right there with you and I know exactly what you are talking about. My A makes me feel alive Take the corny sentiment out of it and read it for what it is : it makes me feel alive. Whether it is the pain of the dreadful lows or the elation of the amazing highs - I am really truly feeling something, with every part of my being. Sometimes it's awful, just awful. But other times it is wonderful, breath-taking. Either way, I feel every tiny part of it and it reminds me every day that I am alive - and am able to shout, scream, cry, laugh, love and be loved. I have always been able to do all these things, but until MM walked into my life, they had laid buried for a long, long time.