Living together

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Living together
2
Wed, 01-06-2010 - 10:10pm

I have been on these boards previously (but not for months) however, I got a new member name so as not to be too revealing.


My AP and I have been having an affair for nearly 2 1/2 years now. We spent 1/2 year having an EA and then slept together. After that it blossomed into a very close physical and emotional connection.


He realized that he would never be happy with his wife (who is emotionally unstable, judgmental, frigid, sexually boring and unattractive). He moved out of their home and then he and I purchased a home together. This was one year ago.


She assumed the entire time that he was living by himself. He's been married the entire time and hasn't been able to get a divorce yet (he says that's because of his kids- he's afraid he will destroy them if he goes through with the divorce... and they've been taking it VERY hard).


It's been the best year of my life! I've enjoyed it very much. I've loved keeping a home for him- cooking, cleaning and keeping a happy home.


A few weeks ago I came home and he said he wanted to move out and move into his wifes house. He thinks the kids won't make it though a divorce and he was too afraid to go through with it.


I was devastated.


He told her the truth about us and she said he could move back in if they went to counseling together and until he got personal counseling. She put an entire list of demands on him. He spent a few nights in a hotel because I didn't want him at "our" home either.


The time apart showed us that we both loved each other more than we ever imagined. We talked through some things and eventually I let him move back in. And we've had an even better relationship since then! It's been so loving and close!


Here's my issue: He still wants to take her to counseling. She says he "owes" that to her because of what he's done with me. I understand that learning your husband has had an A for 2 1/2 years must be devastating. But I don't think he needs to take her to counseling.


He's obviously committed (on some level) to me. I mean, we've LIVED TOGETHER for a year!


What is your take on the situation? Do you have any advice on the "counseling" issue?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2009
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 8:53am

I'd say if he goes to counseling there's a good chance your relationship will be over and the W knows that. Counselors normally tell the cheating spouse to cut all contact with the OW and focus on their family. The counseling will be all about them and she will minimize his feelings for you telling him that his feelings for you are enhanced because he doesn't have the same responsiblities (kids) or history together or whatever with you that he does with his W. Your relationship - while 2 and a half years old - is still fairly new considering the amount of time I assume he's been with his W.


I only know this because I've been through the whole counseling thing and this is EXACTLY what happened during our sessions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2010
Thu, 01-07-2010 - 7:08pm

I'm terrified! I love this man more than anything. And I've spent a year now sleeping next to him, eating meals with him, making love to him, going on dates... just truly falling in love.


Now I'm scared to lose it.


She does know that the counselor will tell him that. She picked the counselor! He's being manipulated... and she's guilting him into going!!


He still hasn't made an appointment and he says he's still on the fence about going. It's been weeks now and he still hasn't even called the counselor.


He also says he's not going so he can fix anything with her but just because he's hurt her so badly. She said he owes it to her to "let her have a safe place to tell him how she feels about what he's done." He doesn't want to "save" their marriage.


I read a book once ("Will He Really Leave Her For Me?") that said that if a man is in counseling and refuses to stop seeing the OW, the counselor would stop counseling them as a couple and continue to counsel the BS. Does anyone know about this?


But my thought is, if you wanna do anything for her, offer to pay for some personal counseling so she can heal by herself! (Of course bringing this up is sensative because we're on shakey ground.)