Long distance relationship w/X

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Long distance relationship w/X
4
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 11:48am
I don't know where to start w/this, but I am glad to have found this discussion board.

I am married 10 yrs w/1 child. 6 months ago I started a friendship w/my exhusband who is 500 miles away from me,he still lives in my hometown. He is still in love w/me and I am very much in love w/him. We have gotten together twice now only because I had reasons to travel back home. He understands I am married and does not want to break my marriage up. He also does not think he can handle a long distance relationship if I would ever become single again.

I have a 10 yr old son, my husband loves me (he is 6 yrs younger than I). My feelings right now for my husband are very low. I love my X and always will. He left me, we married at 24 and divorced by 30. He hurt me very much and this has since been discussed and he apologized for all that he put me through. I just dont know what I need to do at this point. I want to break away from my marriage, but need to be here for my son. I only work PT and cannot afford to live on my own. But I am trying to change that.

If anyone has any help to get me through this, I appreciate it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 12:22pm
Hi

sound a little confusing, you should really try to decide if you want your m or not. then you should really think long and hard about that xhusband he is an x for a reason, and please don't think that you can't be a good mother or be there for your son if you are not with your husband, you can and the only thing that changes is your happiness and your son will still be loved and he will be alright. and if you want to be single again then just slowly try to find a full time job and move out and on then things are not so complicated. but i don't know everything that is just what i hink you should do. first figure out what you want and who then make it happen. good luck and hope you figure things out.

princes

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:18pm
I'm also in a long distance relationship (although not with my ex-husband). I have struggled with the decision to stay or leave my husband for at least 5 years now. He has done nothing "wrong", there is no abuse, I just do not have any romantic feelings for him any longer and nothing has seemed to help restore our relationship. He is aware of my feelings and does nothing but blackmail me emotionally. He does not want me to leave and tries to make me feel guilty. It worked until recently, I've wised up and decided to sort out what I truly feel from what my guilt tricks me into believing.

I was a stay-at-home mom for 8 years and recently went back to work part-time. I have since let my bosses know that I am interested in a full-time position as soon as one is available. I have no doubts about my ability to thrive on my own. I finally decided that I can't leave my marriage for OM, but only for myself. I have only recently felt confident and independent enough to consider going out on my own. You will get there, too, if you are willing to try and ready to take risks.

I know my situation is different, but I've experienced many of the same feelings...especially the fears about the financial aspects of going out on my own. Only you can decide what's best for you and your children, but know that we will all be here to provide hugs and support along the way

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 1:36pm
It sounds to me like you don't have a lot of feelings for your X and that it's just his feelings for you that are drawing you. You said he apologized for some things that happened before - depending on what kind of things those are, if you can, look at his life now very carefully and see if the characteristics that caused those problems before are still present. For example: If he didn't help around the house - what does his place look like now (if you can check it out). Don't just go on his word that he has changed. We all know that when the guy is trying to get you to marry him or "go steady" or whatever he is on his "best" behavior. One your married though that all goes away - example: My H used to buy me roses and flowers for every occaision - now in the past 4 years of marriage I got one bunch of daisies from him the month after we were married, THAT ALL. We know this but so often we'd like to believe that he'll behave well after we are married. Doesn't happen - At least in my experience. Look long as hard at this. If you are happy with your current marriage my suggestion would be to stick with it no matter how much pressure your X puts on you by telling you he still has feelings for you. Feelings aren't everything - like one poster already said, You divorced him for a reason/s. Do what your heart wants to do - not because X has feelings for you or H won't let you go. My opinion would be though that if H still loves you and you are happy then stay. You know what you've got now but you don't know what you'll get from X if you go back. You might get the same picture as before. Who knows. Good Luck. I hope I helped.

TIGERnME

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-26-2003 - 3:45pm
Thank you for your advice, I have let my bosses know also that I am interested in FT.

I have started to weigh the pros and cons about my X. My H comes in higher but I have not had a long enough relationship w/my X to count him out.

I hope all goes well for you. Sounds like you are getting it together!!!