a long letter to MM, please read

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
a long letter to MM, please read
2
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 1:23am
If you have decided to read this email, i hope you have a alot of time b/c it is really long. i need advice from everyone on if i should send this to him or just trash it. Tell me your thoughts on this, again i am sorry it was sooo long but i need some advice on if this email could make us stronger since i have never opened up to MM like this, or if you think it could tear us apart.



just want to say that this is the last email you will receive from me. I have been thinking alot about this and now i feel that i have no choice but to let you go and i want you to know that it hurts like hell knowing that i fell in love with you and that you dont feel the same for me. I understand that it's hard to actually realize that when you tell someone you love them for the first time that you are taking a big risk for rejection, b/c i did. I have never felt so much for one person in my life like i did with you, but i guess you have never felt that way towards anyone not even me. I never expected our feelings to be mutual but i did expect for you to at least open up to me and tell me how you truly felt about me but you cant even do that, you made the comment that i put you on the spot which i didnt intend to do but i just figured that after seeing each other for awhile now and going through some tough obstacles in our relationship that you would know where i stood with you, but instead you keep being shady and changing the subject so you can avoid the whole question. I dont know if you even like me anymore, honestly, you tell me that you miss me and you are thinking about me on the phone and how you want to see me but then when we are together, you close up and you dont talk to me about really anything. I am always the one who has to ask the questions to get a conversation going and that puts alot of pressure on me, like if i say something stupid then you will laugh probably not b/c of what i said but because it sounded retarded to you and then if i try to be serious and have a talk with you then i am scared that i could say something and then you will mad and interpret it as something else. What has happened to us? we use to be able to sit in your truck after work and talk for hours about stupid stuff and also the serious stuff, and laugh but now it seems like we can barely keep a general conversation going. All i want for us is to be able to spend some time together catching up on what's happening in our lives, to be able to laugh with you and chill knowing that there's no other place we rather be but with each other. I really do miss those cold nites of being in each other's arms and talking about topics that really did matter until sunrise.



I know that it's somewhat impossible now for us to have that again but now when we are together that we should cherish and enjoy the short time that we do have. I have never tried to pressure you into anything, i always let you know that if you were not happy with me anymore that we could just call it quits and that would be it, knowing that deep down inside my heart was breaking, scared that maybe those words would come out your mouth, but i took that chance because that's what life is about is taking chances and if you fall then you move on. I just sometimes feel like i really am a bother to you like for instance lately when i call you, i can hear the sarcasm in your voice like you would rather be left alone. I dont know if maybe your feelings for me have changed for the worse and you just dont want to hurt me, i honestly dont know b/c you never talk to me. I think last wed. when you were sick and i called you to see how you were doing probably was a better conversation than it has been in awhile. I started thinking that ok, yea you do have strong feelings for me and you opened up a little bit more, but here's the question, if you cant tell me now how you feel about me and where i stand with you and if you truly think there's something in the future for us then when will you? I remember at the beginning you told me that you didnt wont to rush things and i told you that i understood completely where you were coming from. I feel in my heart that i have been patient and understanding but sometimes there's a point where you draw the line and i feel it's now. I feel like when i talk to you that you arent listening to anything that i have to say, it's like yea, sure, maybe, responses, why cant you just talk to me like you use to, has your feelings changed for me that much? I am a very open person, i will talk about any and everything that comes to mind and i can be a very closed up person too when i feel like what i have to say doesnt matter. Dont misunderstand what i am trying to say, i do love you and i want us to keep going forward with our relationship but i feel that there's nothing i can do anymore to make us stronger, it takes two people to make a relationship work, not one.


I am just so confused by you b/c i cant read your mind, i dont know what you are thinking and feeling and that aggravates the crap out of me b/c you wont tell me. You said the other day that you trust me and you believe that i am being faithful to you, so if that is true, then why cant you trust me with your heart? I told you that i would never hurt you intentionally and i meant every word.I know what it's like to be hurt several times and i dont wont anyone going thru the pain i have felt. I just noticed also that you arent as affectionate with me now like you were back then, what is up with that? You know i want you to kiss me and hold my hand and caress the small of my back etc. I want the passion and intense feeling when we are together even if we arent having sex. I also want you to start trying to make the effort to stay in touch with me thru the week since i dont get to see you but every other week. I really look forward to your im's and emails, it lets me know that you are thinking about me at the moment and you just feel the need to tell me, also i think it's really romantic and sweet and if you cant get to a computer then call me sometimes on the days that we cant meet up and see each other.


Like i said before i want this relationship with us to work out b/c i really do feel a strong connection with you and i dont wont us to lose the opportunity that we could actually find the person who is made for us, who completes us as a person. Well i have nothing left to say except i am really confused about the relationship and what you want out of it and what your true intentions are, but now i have laid everything on the line and it's up to you, either we call it quits or we get together and really talk about this. I am tired of staying up some nites just trying to figure out what i can do to make this work, I know i have been there for you thru the ups and downs and i always tried to comfort you and make you feel secure with the relationship but my back is against the wall right now, i cant keep doing all the work. I told you from the beginning what i wanted out of us and i made it as clear as i could to let you know that it isnt about the sex that i wanted, it's has always been something more. Well, at least you will be able to just let go and move on, but that will be much harder for me b/c i know that i fell crazy, madly, deeply in love with you. I guess just going by your actions that i really am nothing more to you than a piece of butt, If you care about someone then you stay in contact with that person, you put your needs and wants aside just to make the other person happy and that's what i have been doing, putting my feelings aside just so we wouldnt get into a argument and fear that you would end it, but i cant keep going thru this rollarcoaster of emotions and feelings when they arent being sent by you.


I just dont know what to say anymore b/c right now i am so confused by you. you only want to see me when it's convenient for you, it just has to always be your way or no way. You used to not be this way towards me, you would try to at least make an effort back then but everything is changing with you now, but just b/c you are letting your hair grow long, you are dressing differently and your attitude has changed doesnt make me love you any less. i fell for what is in the inside of you, not the outside, but i just wished you could understand that this is not fair to me, i am tired of knowing that when i am not with you that u are playing house with your wife, making yourself just block me out when you are around her. Knowing that i love someone so much and that i cant be with them or even see them during the day eats me up inside. Maybe i thought i was strong enough to handle all of this but im starting to realize that i am not. I dont wont to give up but what else can i do? i have to go now, im sorry this is so long but it's how i feel and i needed to get it off my chest. If you feel that you still want this with me than you need to do what you feel is right. and maybe we can get past this and work this out. it's up to you now. later


thanks for all of your time and effort to read this, i really am this confused and i need some really good advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 8:35am
i have always been either blessed or cursed w/ saying what i feel..i would send it,if it'll make you feel heard & take a weight off of your own shoulders.jmoho.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Fri, 10-17-2003 - 9:28am
my opinion? "Familiarity breeds contempt". I have read many anguished and confused posts on this board. Men and women wondering WHY their MW or MM has grown distant, or the passion is getting less, or the communication dwindles, or the feelings seem to have changed or the MW or MM won't "open up".

This is why 90% (or more?) of affairs do not turn into successful relationships. By successful, I mean where the affair partners get divorced and commit themselves to just ONE person - each other. One or both of the affair partners starts to realize that, after time -- whether it's a few months or whether it is many years -- the excitement and thrill wears off and it becomes just like any other relationship they have ever had. In a lot of cases it starts resembling the relationship they have with their current spouse (gasp!).

So why not just stay with the boring safe spouse -- especially since in most cases, the adulterer knows that their spouse has never cheated on them or deceived them?

This is not a debate board, it is a support board. And I offer you my 2 cents in the spirit of support. To me, it sounds as if your MM will never open up to you. He has probably never opened up to his wife either. Do you wonder why he is so "unhappy" that he has to stray? Because he is immature and does not know what it takes to be "happy" in a relationship. He has fallen back on the way he truly is -- not the initial facade or personna he presented to you back in the beginning when things were "great".

You can send him that long email. But he will have a problem getting through the whole thing. Your best bet is to send him one short paragraph with very brief sentences, if possible.

It's a shame that two women have wasted their love, their energy, and their time on this immature man. Don't degrade yourself. He is sapping everything that you have. He is a cakeman.

GOOD LUCK.

~aristotle