Long Term Affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2013
Long Term Affair
Fri, 08-02-2013 - 1:55pm

I met my AP four years ago.  The attraction was immediate and our relationship intensified quickly.  He told me he was married and it was not a happy union, blah blah.  I stepped back but that didnt last and I found myself with him, getting closer and our relationship turned physical.  It was always casual, once a week we'd see each other.  I had been divorced a few years when I met my AP and i was lonely.  Told myself i could handle this because he made me no promises and i wouldnt pressure.  He rarely calls me, he doesnt have a cell so I have no way of contacting him so basically i have to wait until i hear from him.  That has always bugged me because i felt like he had all the power. He's told me several times he would call if he could but she's always around.  I ended things a couple of times over the years but after several months he would call me and we'd get together and go right back to the way it was.  I never asked a lot of questions but lately ive been curious about things and am past the point of being scared to ask.  He says he does not consider our relationship an affair, nor does he consider me the other woman.  He says its because he has no sexual relationship with his wife; therefore, he does not consider what he/we are doing cheating.  Interesting huh?  We get along famously, i can only remember a couple of disagreements over the years and our sex life is the best ever.  He is not very verbal with his feelings, he believes in actions speak louder than words.  I agree and he does show me but not consistently.  He thinks that a couple of nice, thoughtful things should keep me happy but lately its not enough.  I am home recuperating from surgery and he has only stopped by to see me a couple of times in the last 4 weeks.  We saw one another last night and he reminded me that he would be leaving for vacation in a few days.  He made a comment about his lawn being overgrown and I said have your wife cut it. He said, she can't she's going on vacation with him.  That hurt me.....they usually do not vacation together and he's told me they pretty much live separate lives but that he would never divorce her.  When i asked why he said "loyalty".  She stood by him during several health scares, one being that he could never give her children.  He feels that she could have left him but she stuck by him in the worst of times so he can't just leave her, even though he is not happy.  He's told me he loves me (not very often but he's told me) and that our relationship is the happiest he's ever had and how lucky we are to have what we have. 

I am sick with the thought of him going away with her, all i can think about is him having sex with her then with me even though he says they do not have a sexual relationship.  I hate the way I am feeling lately and am angry with him.  I feel as if he dosnt consider my feelings and that he's prefectly ok with seeing me a few hrs once a week with no contact in between.  We don't go out together, no dating, movies, etc. but when we are together its great.  I don't want to pressure him but I am not happy.  Then i beat myself up saying well you reep what you sow and I knew what I was getting into here.  What if anything should I say to him because I feel like I need to make myself perfectly clear with him when he returns from his trip.  Just not sure how to say it without sounding like an ultimatum.  Some days I ask myself is it him who you want or do you just want someone to want you?  Affairs are never easy, they usually have complications and I'm not sure what I should do.




iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2013
Tue, 08-13-2013 - 6:28pm

Sorry your feeling that way but it's all pretty normal.  It sounds like he does have all the control and whether he wants to call it or not what you are having is an affair.  You either need to roll with the flow or say goodbye.  It's your own decision to make but we are here to listen.