Long Term Affairs

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Long Term Affairs
15
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:30am


I've read posts from two or three members who have been in their affairs for years. I have a few questions...

Did you ever imagine that you would be in this forever?

Do you regret that you've stayed in the affair? (I think I can guess this answer...)

How did you settle in to the idea that it would be an affair, and decide to continue _as_ an affair?

Do things become more open? Or do you still have to hide everything?

Do you still hope for more?



Sorry if I've asked too many questions. I've posted how I feel about continuing in my affair for years, but I have to confess that we're so close and he's so important to me, that I could almost imagine just that. The thought terrifies me...

Thanks for any and all answers.



Cazrida

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 9:57am
It's kind of strange..almost like another marriage of sorts. We share everything about ourselves and keep in constant contact through the day. LOL..even when we leave our homes and return. Did I ever imagine doing this year after year? Never!! Then again, I never could have dreamed of being in an A to begin with. I'm dealing with the "forever" part right now. Every once in awhile things happen to keep you from "grounding" yourself and the more carried away you get, the worse it is when you come down. Thankfully it doesn't happen all that much here. It IS possible to have a normal, healthy relationship (as far as A's go) if you have a foundation of sorts...i.e. friendship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:37am
Ive been in my affair for 4 1/2 years. I never in my wildest dreams thought i would have an affair, let alone a long term one. We met online, talked and talked and talked, then met and the rest is history as they say. We are both older, he is in his 60s, im in my 50s, kids are grown and almost gone, but he has been married for over 40 years, is retired, she is ill and he will not leave her. Monetarily it would be difficult to recoup at this point also.

Do we want more? absolutely, and I do think that day will come.

I have tried twice to end it, gave him the "ultimatum" her or me, but its not that simple and I need him as much as he needs me.

His children all know about us, several of his friends, we vacation together in Arizona where his brother lives, but only one friend and my brother in my life know about him. So, yes, we still hide most things.

The bottom line for me is simple, i want him in my life. He is my best friend as well as my lover,my most ardent supporter, my trusted confidant, the one person i know i can count on no matter what.. He has sat online with me for 4 hours waiting for my daughter who was driving home in a snowstorm so I would not be alone, has helped me move my office, listened to problems with my son and so much more i cannot begin to tell you. He has brought love and laughter back into my life and even if we were not lovers we would be best friends.

Email me if you like.. how long have you been in your affair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 6:53pm


Thanks, Luv,

Did you get my email?



Caz

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 7:53pm
Dear Cazrida,

I don't think that anyone who enters into an affair plans on it to happen, or even believes that it is something that will continue for a very long time. I know in my case, that when my started, I kept in the back of my mind that eventually we would have to end it, and that we would both know when that time will be right. Then the first year passed, then the second, then the third, and now we are into almost four years of this. It has been a very hard, and emotional roller coaster at times for us, especially for me. I hated at times having things so hidden, and not being able to share MM with everything in my life. Some of his friends knew, that were also co-workers, but other than that, no family or other outside of work friends. When you love someone so much, you want to share everything with them.

I believe that eventually over time, the A changes, and it gets viewed differently by the two individuals who are in it, but that's why communication is so important,and not loosing sight to the roles each of you both play in the lifes of each other. Cazrida, you can e-mail me if you would like.......don't get frustrated, things always seem to work out. JayC
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:26pm
You are welcome Caz..havent gotten your email yet though
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:36pm


I just sent a test email. I didn't save the first, and I thought it was yours that got returned to me.

I'm using your board link, right?



Caz

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 8:58pm
Thanks for your answers Luv and Jayc,

I'm actually not in a panic. I'm pretty confident in our relationship. He does love me. Sheez...did y'all read my post Friday night about NC? I got three emails and a phone call before 9:30 on Saturday morning, and he called me twice today! He does try, especially when he sees that something is bothering me.

I just know that I don't hide well. I never have. As far back as 5th grade when J*nx wanted to "go with me but keep it secret," I was hot, mad and hurt that I wasn't good enough for him in public.

Luv, you asked how long I'd been in the A. We started talking last July...began spending serious talking time in August, and by the end of September, we decided to move forward. It was still going to be light, though.

By November, he was telling me how much he loves me and planning on leaving his wife. The holidays were h*ll. In January, he met my family. But when his wife went apartment hunting, he "flinched."

So, we're not sure where this will end up. I love him. He loves me. We're co-writers and best friends. It happened pretty fast, and I'm willing to give him time to think. He's been married twenty-five years. I don't want him to leave unless he's sure.

My own self-respect will force me to either move forward or return to being friends. I just know myself too well. The problem is that I can almost see us in a thirty year affair. (It would have to be pretty open, though. LOL. It's not the marriage...I just hate sneaking around.)

How did things change in your relationships that led you to stay? And how did staying make you feel about yourself and your relationship?



Cazrida


Edited 3/28/2004 10:07 pm ET ET by cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:14pm

Hi Cazrida,


Well... been in this for almost 4 years now... and like the other ladies... I never thought I'd be in an affair... let alone it last this long.


These days... I never think about when it will end... I tend to prepare myself... for how we will continue as we get older and our children grow.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:48pm


Welcome back Sweet!

Thanks for your answer. It does help. ::smiles::

I've changed so much over the last year that I think I'm still reeling. MM is so important to me that it blows my mind. (I blow his, too. I get that report from our mutual friends that he's spoken with. He picked his wife for compatability, not love. He never expected to be in love with *anyone*. At 60, I've turned his world upside down, too.)

But at 60, its really hard to go back to child raising and frankly, I'm not sure I want to put him in that position. Its one thing, with just my youngest at home (11). Its a whole different matter when you're talking about my pregnant 16 year old and her 18 year old husband. I need to get them up and self-supporting, plus I'm caring for my disabled father. That's a _lot_ to ask of someone. I wouldn't ask, anyway...but I'm not sure I'd allow it.

I'm just trying to take it a day at a time, and appreciate what we have. I've set the holiday deadline, and I'm relatively comfortable with that. Its hard, because I want so much more...but I didn't even dream I'd ever have anyone part time, much less anyone that was as special and wonderful as he is.

The more I write and the more I read on this board, the more I realize that my biggest problem is the secrecy...the need to hide. I'm very independent, and financially, while I'm not wealthy, I can support us. I'm not looking for a knight on a white horse. I don't have to be married to be happy. But I hate slipping around and it definitely affects me negatively. I may not make it to the holidays for that reason, alone.

But I can't ever see my life again without him in it...and I thank whatever gods there are that I found him.

And all of you. ::smiles::



Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-10-2004
In reply to: cazrida
Sun, 03-28-2004 - 10:51pm

I've been in my A for just about 4 years also. To top it off it's a LDA. We have our struggles, our up's, our downs. We don't see each other as often as we'd like, but when we do, all the days we haven't been together seem to disappear, :). We email and talk on the phone a great deal. Of course nothing compares to

 

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