Long timer needing a vent

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Long timer needing a vent
3
Thu, 07-02-2009 - 11:35pm

I feel almost bad for even posting tonight. It has been so very long since I've come here. I used to come and offer some advice but it's so easy for this board to be all consuming at times.

Anyhow, I'll give a brief back ground. AP was high school sweetheart, first love. Lost touch, reconnected 3 years ago. We've had our ups and downs. We've had a few rough spots but we always kept lines of communication open. Even if it's a quick text or e-mail. We USED to chat every weekend late at night. That slowly stopped. Now, communication has stopped almost altogether. We had a 5 minute chat a week ago that I initiated. He tells me ha has stressors in his life and he can't take everything that is going on in his life. He tells me that aside from his children, I am the one person he loves the most in this world. We have no intention of leaving our M, but this has been working for us.

He tells me that he doesn't have time but at work, he is on a computer for 9 hours! He tells me he doesn't have time to chat and has no desire to be on the computer at home since he is on it all day, yet I know he in online playing a game at night. I have not brought this up as I feel that I am being petty and self centered. It has been over a month that our communication has dwindled. He tells me that he still loves me and that he just needs time to get through this but I really am having a hard time believing that it is simply stress. I have a feeling that there is another potential AP or he already has one.

Last year, around this time,he was being SUPER nice to me and lovey. Showering me with affection, etc. I had a feeling there was someone else. I was right. It was just a gut feeling, oddly enough. He tells me that I have no right to be upset as I am also the other woman and he is a cheater. I understand where he is coming from but I also can't stand it. Not to mention, the more people involved increase the chance for something to go terribly wrong.

As of today we have not had contact in a week. I don't like to play games. I am often the one initiating contact but I am so fed up with this business that I don't even want to talk to him right now. the way I look at it is this. He says he misses me yet he has no desire to be on the computer which is the one and only way we communicate(this is a LDA). How does that sound? I thought about sending him a very angry, pissed off e-mail but 1.) I just don't have the passion to put any effort into it and 2.) I feel like he is the one who is royally screwing up right now so why should I sound desperate and needy when I'm really not?

I think this is enough for now...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Fri, 07-03-2009 - 10:33am

I don't post often but do check in occasionally. I don't post much unless I feel I have something that I have something to offer. If you need to post then you need to post.

The way I see it:

***He tells me ha has stressors in his life and he can't take everything that is going on in his life.*** We all have stressors in our lives - for the most part, my AP is someone who actually helps me reduce the stress in my life when I talk to him, and I believe that I do the same for him, otherwise we would not be in contact.

***He tells me that aside from his children, I am the one person he loves the most in this world. We have no intention of leaving our M, but this has been working for us.*** It would seem to me that if he loves you most in the world that he would be keeping the lines of communication open. It sounds to me like he is telling you what you want to hear, or what he thinks he wants you to hear, so you will stay around. I guess you have to ask yourself if this is still working for you?

As to the computer issue it sounds like a load of bull to me. My AP and I are also LD so our communication is through the computer, emails and IMs, and he is also on the computer all day (he's a programmer) and he works very long hours. Now he is not able to contact me at work due to security rules, but even so the lines of communication stay open, we both work on it. He is making excuses for why he is not talking to you, plain and simple.

As far as his comment about how you are the other woman and he is a cheater, well that is true, but I think he is just justifying his actions to see with other women if he wishes to. In my situation my AP is single and I am MW and I know I have no claim on him if he wishes to see someone else, but I expect him to be upfront with me if he does.

If you do not like to play games, and I can understand why, then I think perhaps this is the opportunity to end this, as he seems to want to move on, either with his marriage or with someone else outside of his marriage. If you do decide to end this and want to tell him, but where he has not contacted you in over a week I do not think I'd be to worried about that, then I would just send him a matter of fact, simple email to that effect you are ending it and moving on.

I think he is being very clear about what his intentions are in this.

I'm here to listen if you need someone to listen to.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2008
Mon, 07-06-2009 - 11:39pm

Thank you for the insight. I know deep down you are right. There is so much history that makes this so difficult. I felt the same way, I thought that even through all the "busy" stuff we are each others outlet. I have decided that I will give him two weeks from this past weekend before I say anything. When I do say something it's going to be close to an ultimatum without actually being one(not crazy about ultimatums). We texted this weekend and it was so void of emotion that I am left feeling even worse than before. I refuse to chase after someone who no longer has interest.

The way I see it is if he can no longer make time for me on the weekend, I can no longer make time for him during the week.

Thank you for your reply,
L

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2006
Wed, 07-08-2009 - 4:52pm

Hey L,


I'm glad the insight helped.