Long..plz read & comment....
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Long..plz read & comment....
| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:27am |
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Edited 9/24/2004 2:54 pm ET ET by bad_kitty314
Edited 9/24/2004 2:54 pm ET ET by bad_kitty314
| Mon, 03-29-2004 - 8:27am |
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I think that a marriage counselor will tell you you need to be completely honest with your husband about your affair, but i think you have every right to keep his identity a secret. You can tellyour husband the aspects of the affair if necessary , but his name in my opinion should not be an option.
All my thoughts and prayers go out to you.. good luck.. and even though i love my MM with all my heart and know we will be together someday, i know both of us would have given our eye teeth to have our marriages work..if you can make that happen it will be strong and good for a lifetime.
I also agree that keeping some details of the A secret is a good idea. Truth has it's merit, but so does mercy.
I'm in a spot today where I really, really understand and relate to letting the A go and trying to heal, being tired of hurting everyone and yourself. You definitely have my hopes and prayers that things will work out for you.
I hope you find the peace and happiness we're all looking for. Good luck with counseling and getting everything on the path you want.
BTW, you deserve to change your nick to "good kitty" now. ;)
rain
I guess what concerns me most with your situation is your H's focus on the A. He's going to have to accept that it doesn't matter who the OM was or that you had an A. To resolve this you're both going to have to focus on what led you to seek an A in the first place. I think you've already done this. Absolutely do not tell him the name or any other details about the OM. I held strong to this also with my OW. She didn't deserve any more pain than I already had inflicted on her by ending it.
Ultimately, I hope counseling brings you and your H closer and you are able to get past all the hostilities and bad habits you've built up. If not, then I hope you are able to find a relationship that does give you what you need and deserve. Either way, you're going to have to have a tremendous amount of strength. Come here often for support. I know the people here have been invaluable to me. And good luck with everything.
Congratulations on taking this step. I have done something similar to what you have done namely with the difference that my affair was emotional but I still left out details while fessing it up to hubby. The interesting thing that I notice while reading betrayed spouses’ letters on the other board that men (as compared to women) who get betrayed always share the blame for contributing to the SO’s cheating episode, take it in stride and make genuine efforts to correct their behavior. My recent emotional affair started out in September last year and has been an ON and OFF behavior until recently where I have been really trying to not contact the MM. Few weeks ago, I was feeling stressed since husband is living in another city after accepting a new job there and I am alone trying to sell the house without much luck and the agent is pathetic and I was tired driving kids around all day and I confessed everything to my husband on the phone. The poor guy rushed home the next day, took time off work and I could see the pain on his face. He couldn’t eat and sleep for many days. In the past few weeks I have seen remarkable changes in him. He is paying a lot of attention to me, looks at me that certain way ( you know the looks that we get from the MM), making me feel desired, driving after work sometimes 300-400 miles a day to see me (he was out of town or worked a lot in his previous job and once this house sells with this current behavior of his, he plans to not go out of town in the new city), all in all he is becoming very much the person I fell in love with and had he been this person all along, I probably may not have discovered MM.
With the H being a giver now and all this new re-bonding that has happened between us, it is difficult to imagine him being out of my life whereas before I could have imagined life without him. I do feel, same as you, that I love two men and feel desired and loved by both of them. The way I am handling is that I am leaving everything to fate. I also try to convince myself hey MM was not my first crush after marriage. I have had dozens and have confessed all of them to hubby too and even told him which ones I uttered “I love you” to :) (you could imagine his shock discovering that he is not the only person I have said I love you to but I guess finding out that I have said it to more than one kind of lessens his pain). So in due time I will get over MM or if not he will just be a pleasant memory . I do believe that there is a bigger power out there who has made plans for everybody’s life and its not easy to make and break that plan to suit our desires at every moment. I have also noticed that when I try to stay away from efforts to contact MM, everything in my life goes smoothly, kids suddenly don’t get a big bout of pneumonia or car suddenly doesn’t need a big repair or all the other headaches that would happen when I and MM would try to go over our limits. I also have realized that its not always my husbands behavior that made me fall for all these men but its something in myself too. I was a difficult child while growing up, I attempted suicides three different times for stupid reasons once for being angry when my mom wouldnt let me view an adult video, tended to be a perfectionist and idealist and work myself to death to follow those ideals, I get bored very easily with things or people, assume the worst if somebody doesn’t communicate and clarify themselves and other things. But at the same time I am very protective about anybody I love, I tend to be perfect in every relationship (I guess that’s why my hubby still loves me in spite of throwing all this in his face) and go out of my way to make everyone happy and in this process always tend to forget about my needs until situations like this may arise where my love reservoirs have run out and I become vulnerable.
I have told hubby that I hope that his extremely attentive and romantic behavior is not a rebound behavior and that it remains stable and if doesn’t I have a back up plan :) He in turn is always teasing me whenever he sees any older guy (I am 34, hubby is 36, MM is 42) and asks me if I have a crush on that guy. The other day we were in a pharmacy and there was this 75 plus guy and hubby kept on teasing me that I needed to be kept away from him. So, yes, confessing to hubby that I had fallen in love with the MM is the single best thing I have done for my marriage. It has been a wake up call for him. He tells he doesn’t ever want to lose me. I do have visions now of growing old with hubby which I never had before although I see the visions with MM too. Again, I will just leave everything to God and fate. My husband is all a woman could desire now and hopefully once the MM fades out I will rediscover the passion in the deep love that I have for him. MM is very manipulative and a compulsive liar although I still adore him but I note that the intensity of the thoughts decreases with every day.
I will continue enjoying my life with my husband that I do enjoy a lot and not spoil it with always thinking what ifs about MM. If I and MM were meant to be, it will happen but if not the alternative looks pretty darn good too.
PG
Good luck to you!! I know its hard because to not talk to OM for me is a killer.. He is my best friend and I can relate to how you feel. I love H as well but OM makes me feel good about myself.. Good luck, Bad!! My prayers are with you..
Cassy
It takes alot of guts to make that decision. So far, I have not been able to say no to MM.
Good luck with the NC. I am not contacting my MM now, but if he gets in touch with me, I'm not sure how I will react.
I am finding the NC this time around easier for me to take, and I don't think about him as much. My heart was hardened some time ago when he did this to me.
Also like you, I am thinking alot more lately about trying harder with H, and although I would NEVER tell him about my A, I am trying to be more compassionate and nicer to H. Because I haven't always been that nice to him lately, and if I feel guilty about ANYTHING, its the way I have been treating him.
I hope you will manage okay now you have made your decision. Good luck to you,
Dusty
Love to you....
v.
I don't really have any sound advice for you but I wish you strength and best of luck with all my heart.
Edited 9/24/2004 2:56 pm ET ET by bad_kitty314
Hey Kitty,
I understand your need to try *everything* to make your marriage work and applaud you, but I'm concerned about one thing.
You said that you were afraid of your husband's temper--to the point where you met him in a public place. If he's in any way abusive, _please_ do not stay in the situation. Get out and get help immediately!
I hope I'm overreacting to what I read, but if there is anything I can do, please feel free to contact me.
Good luck and take care!
Cazrida
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