Longtimers - creating "official" ties?
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| Thu, 09-18-2008 - 3:42pm |
OK, folks, need some advice from some fellow longtimers. As most of you know, my AP and I have no IRL connection. We met randomly, do not run in the same social circles, do not work together or live in the same neighborhood. For a very long time, there has been nothing to tie us to each other, aside from our
That seems to be changing, and I need a bit of advice on how to handle and whether the wise thing to do is to put the brakes on things. In my world, he is my BF. My friends and co-workers know who he is and that we are together. While we do live in a small town, we go out in public, hold hands, go shopping, go out to lunch. We act like a couple and don't hide. I, of course, am not visible at all in his world, where people know he is M.
My AP is going back to school. I have been helping him with all the paperwork, setting up appointments, advising, etc. since I both graduated from and work at the school he is attending. In this context, he is my BF. I have access to all of his records, etc. because he gave me access. I have been very involved in this aspect of his life, as of late.
This next thing is the one I am on the fence about, though. He is involved as a volunteer with a local chapter of a national nonprofit organization. The state directors of this organization are wanting to form a local advisory board to increase awareness and participation in this organization. He will continue to be involved. He and I were talking about the local needs and, because I support this group as well, we were getting excited brainstorming and I said I would be willing to help in any way I can. (Their needs mesh very well with my professional expertise.)
Here's the thing, though. If I do this, I will no longer be invisible in his world. People who know his W will also know me. I will start to have to act like we are not a couple when we are around these people. It would give us a reason to be spending time together, but it also removes my protective cloak of anonymity. I may have to attend social events where his W could be as well, something I am not comfortable with. And right now, when we get caught, she would have to do some sleuthing to find out who I am. If I do this volunteer work, I will be more visible and more vulnerable.
Thoughts on this, folks? As much as I can see some of the advantages and, more importantly, I think being involved in this would be good for the organization and good for my resume, I'm quite hesitant. Am I off base? Anyone else purposefully form 'official' ties in a situation where there were none before?

Wow...I have to say, when I read your post, I had a lot of different questions wander around in my mind... let me first, though, address YOUR question.
My AP and I are "connected". People in his world know
Oh, I agree, we are not careful at all and it will get us caught eventually. We ran into his neighbor just the other day in the store and he made no moves to have me act any other way others than how we normally act together. We stood together at the checkstand and talked to his neighbor for a couple of minutes. I should also note that I am S and that I have told him that I will not be the OW forever and that I want a R with him IRL. I lay the responsibility and the decisions for how demonstrative we will be or not be, for the most part, fully at his feet. Up until now, though, if we are caught, there is no way for her to know who I am. If I take on this new project, she would, and she is not someone I want to have to deal with as an OW. I'll deal with her as his GF as he goees through a divorce. Not as the OW. It would be really ugly.
I guess the real issue here is that if he will be separated/divorced from her a year from now, taking this step is no big deal. If not, then its an extraordinarily bad idea, as the best that will come of it is that I will: A - end up having to be in contact with an AP that I have broken up with, or B-we will get caught and she will know my name. Given that I have a very visible job, that would be bad.
FallenAngel gave you some good things to think about.
What comes to my mind also is that you have to think about how the smallest gesture could and would raise suspicions of your A - simply because you are used to being demonstrative with each other in public. I was thinking of inviting my AP to do a group thing where nobody would know him and it could be that he just joined as a random participant ... but then I envisioned him calling me 'Baby' in front of all these people as is habit and that would be hard to explain ... and who knows what else we might give away just by being next to each other.
Openmyeyes,
I did a very similar thing as to what you are considering.