Looking for EMA

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Looking for EMA
19
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 1:51pm
Although I am happily married I love my "W" It just seems that everywhere I go I am looking for something else. We have a loving marriage it just always seems like our sex life is lacking. We have discussed this and things change for a little while but things always go back. At 31 is it wrong to want sex several times a week. It almost seems OK to be looking for a EMA after all the effort I have put in to not have one and have my efforts go un rewarded. Does this make sense? I just want a little intimacy is wrong to want to have a sex in your life. If my "W" will not supply it do I have a choice but to look for it some where else?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 2:04pm
You might want to think about visiting the "clashing libidos" board.

There are a lot of people with this same problem.

Turning to an affair may not be your answer.

Go there and read some of the posts. It may help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:25pm
of course its not wrong to want sex in your life and several times a week sounds reasonable...i'm wondering why your wife is not wanting sex as often, do you wonder if she's not feeling turned on because something is lacking in your marriage for HER too?... what i mean is, i have the feeling if you put the effort into your homelife that you would need to put into an affair that your wife may be more aroused and wanting sex more...most MM have to be attentive, flirtaous, charming, thoughtful, and sweet to their mistress...i have the feeling it could be a good idea for you to treat your wife like your mistress and you may see some loving results!...most women need to feel loved and desired all day, not just when we get into the bedroom...trust me, you won't find an affair partner that is charmed by you if you don't put in some effort, you'll have to woe and court the new woman and i just think it would be in your best interest to put those efforts into your marriage and work on having a passionate and fulfilling life with your wife...its much easier and less stressful and can be just as exciting to have a great sexlife in your very own bedroom than to risk disease and losing your family and having your mistress fall in love with you and becoming whiney and demanding to you.

i'd suggest turn up your charms at HOME and i bet you will arouse your wife to new heights!...sneak some calls to her during the day like a MM will do to his mistress, telling her you just wanted to hear her voice, go home tonite and tell her how pretty and smart and marvelous she is, laugh at her jokes, tickle her fancy, brag to others in front of her what a wonderful woman she is, whisper in her ear while helping her clean up after dinner how sexy she is and how lucky you feel to have her in your life, and i have the feeling you'll find her breathless for you again....its not soo much sexual skills that produce a passionate sexlife, its flirting with a mate and treating them as a lover and not just a spouse that keeps the flames on high (IMHO).

honey

    

Avatar for jennlynnk
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:34pm
i don't want to condone an affair but i understand a marriage with not enough sex, affection or intimacy. in my case that (among many other problems) was just too much and i couldn't stay. Certainly you can only try so much. i think every situation is different and it's impossible to say an affair is always wrong. Perhaps you have already given yourself some kind of permission but you feel guilty. What about telling your wife she is risking her marriage by not working with you on fixing this issue? i do think it's always best to fix things at home if you can. But a life without enough sex, intimacy or affection is not an easy thing to go home to either. i guess my point is you are certainly not alone, and you have to do some soul searching on the topic.

Good luck, post more!!

jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:46pm
Honey I think your right only thing is. I have tried these things. Not only have I tried them I pride myself in doing these things all the time not only when I want sex. Not only do I help with the dishes after dinner I cook dinner every night. I call her at work and email her to see how her day is.

This isn't something I am rushing into and this isn't the case of I wanted sex one night and didn't get it. I am a very understanding person but even I have my limits.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:52pm
Hi Mike. I agree with what the other posts said. Have you talked to her about what you would like as far as y'alls sex life? Sometimes counseling really helps. I, myself, found something lacking in my marriage a long time ago... not just lacking good sex, but emotional intimacy as well. I remained faithful for 5 1/2 years before I met a man that swept me off of my feet. Neither one of us were out looking for an affair or looking for sex, but we were both sexually frustrated with our spouses just the same. We have a long distance relationship, so we have an emotional affair going on too. One of the ladies wrote that you will have to put as much into your mistress as you would into working on this with your wife... and that is so true. MM and I have been together for over a year now, and I have to say he is the love of my life. Now that we are in this, it is SO hard to let go. If anyone found out it would ruin so many lives. When you take the risk, you just have to know what all you are dealing with and be willing to deal with the consequences NO MATTER what they may be... and they may be HUGE! I don't know you, but you don't sound like a man to go and sleep with a prostitute or anything, so if you found someone that you might be willing to take the "risk" with, you will probably end up with more in then end than just sex.

Don't get us wrong, having an affair is simply amazing and exhilarating... but there is a lot of pain involved too. The longer it goes on, the more complicated it becomes. Of course it's fun or nobody would do it, but there is also a downside to it too... Just be careful and try and work on the relationship with your wife first. Maybe you need to seduce her like you would another woman. Get a hotel room with candles, room service, rose petals on the bed, etc. etc.

Just my two cents!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 3:56pm
I have talked to her and for a short while things get better. And by better I mean we wil have sex shortly after but that is it right back to the way things were. I know many people who read this will have there thoughts like ..Maybe she is cheating..she is not we are always together. OR maybe He is no good in bed... again this is not the case at one point at the beginning of our marriage it was every night.

To make matters worse she talked me in to moving to town I know no one so she could be closer to her mom. At least before we moved I had al my friends and family nearby.

I might as well be on a deserted island by myself. At least that is how my heart feels

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 4:04pm
I'm sorry that things are the way they are there. When you talk with her, what does she say? Is she distant? Is she unhappy in the marriage too?

Honestly, I understand what you are feeling and saying. I can't sit here and tell you to not go through with it, because I am in the middle of it myself. Well, sort of, we are trying to wean ourselves off of each other... anyway.... It sounds like you need the emotional intimacy as well as the physical intimacy... both are considered affairs if found outside the marriage.

Take care of you. If you feel like this will hang over your head until you do something about it, then do what you need to do, just be ready for whatever it is that may come from it. My MM and I have cried so many times on each other's shoulders concerning the fact that we have found each other and we can't be together... due to kids. Also, we truly love our spouses, but we aren't in love with them and haven't been for a very long time! Yes, the sex is great, having someone there emotionally is great too... but the pain that stems from it all in then end is HORRIBLE.

It sounds like you are doing everything that you can do for her and you definitely can't change her. I guess follow your heart, but make sure your mind isn't too far away.

~Serenity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 4:10pm
I'll be honest I still love my W It is just I am not getting the emotional and physical things I need. Serenity you don't know what I would do just to have someone who would be there for me. At this point I wish I could find someone Who was willing to share an hour or two a week maybe exchange phone calls or emails. I need someone who will show my love and appreciates it back. I didn't think it would be this hard I always believed you give everything to you partner and you will receive it back

Guess I was wrong. I would love to knwo there is someone out there that could show this does exsist.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 4:15pm
I don't know what to tell you, I really don't, because I know exactly how you feel! It is SO common for men to abandon their wives and give their wives reasons to stray from the marriage, but when the husband is doing all he can and the wife is the one not responding... honestly, I always want to come to the rescue, lol. Sorry, just honest. How long have you guys been married? We all go through dips in the marriage and sometimes it seems we will never get through them. Not really sure what I am saying here, lol. Sorry.

Just be careful, it is SO easy to fall into something, even if it is for innocent reasons!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2003
Mon, 12-08-2003 - 4:25pm
I have been married for 8 years and this has been going on for a couple of years. Like I said I am not rushing into this looking for an EMA its just I have reached my limit. My life is lacking so much closeness it is really starting to hurt.

And i'll be honest with you I am looking to fall into something.

Are you near by wink wink

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