Looking for help/advice/suggestions

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Looking for help/advice/suggestions
6
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 9:58pm
I'll post the reader's digest version of my situation, then get straight to the problem. I have been in a relationship with my soulmate from April of last year. We are incredible together, in every way. In September, I filed for divorce from my husband and moved out. In January my lover filed for divorce. Two weeks later he moved out after a fight with the wife. He spent a week at her brother's house (she's turned Morman so her family has all turned their backs on her and are supporting his divorce from her, of course no one knows about me) and then he spent a week with me. Last Friday he went over and had dinner with her and the three kids. She told him at that time he could move back in. She refuses to get a job and his salary can't support their house and kids and him a second home (i.e. apt). So until the divorce is final, probably June - August, he will live upstairs and she will live downstairs. I am confident they don't have sex anymore, etc. and I really believe he has had to move back because of the money situation. Here is what i need help with. He won't push her to get a job and won't push the situation along so that he and I can be together sooner. He wants me to wait patiently for his divorce to be final. He says that a handful of months is worth a lifetime of happiness. We see each other about 3 times a week right now, sneaking time in when we can. I guess I am angry and frustrated because I feel like he should be doing more to get away from her. He swears he loves me and that I am his destiny (his words) but I don't feel like his actions reflect those words. When I tell him this he says I am being selfish and impatient. Anyone got any suggestions? I know I have left out lots of details so feel free to ask way.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 2:52am
I don't understand. Why is he there?? to support her?? or the kids? i can understand if it's for the kids. Or is it because he can't afford an apt. with you yet, until the divorce? either way, why stay there? it's unfair to his kids, that he stay there, knowing he won't be there for long, and two, is he leading her on, or trying to get back with her? only u can answer that. I would have patience, but i don't believe in playing games. If he knows he wants out, and is now committed to you, then he should take that extra step and do what's right as a man. He owes that to you, his wife, and kids. He should be able to set her free, so that she can find happiness, also. She really should try to go to work, but he can't make her. You realize it's also his job to provide child support, if his kids are under 18. I would stick it out, but there comes a time for him to stand up and be a man. I totally believe if there is no love left in a marriage, then it's only hurting a situation, if no divorce is followed through, and it keeps being put off. Hopefully, he'll get it straight soon. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:47am
I think you're being a little unfair. This man certainly should be working towards being able to support himself and his family. But I highly doubt he is trying to stay with his wife. When he does leave, odds are his wife won't work and he will have to pay her not only child support, but alimony as well. If the two of you are truly planning to be together, I wonder how you would feel about living together. Certainly it would make you more comfortable than having him live with his wife. But it can be dangerous to jump from one situation to the next. I wish I had better advice than that but money always complicates things. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:16pm
He is there to support the kids, emotionally and financially. He is terrified she is going to suck the children into the Morman propaganda and brainwash them they way she has been brainwashed. The divorce has been filed with the county, the clock is ticking but her attorney has told her that the judge can't force her back to work until the final decree so she is "laying down" to try to slow things down. And in my opinion, be a bitch. I mean what woman really wants a man around who doesn't love her? She is sick. Anyhow her way of fighting back is to force him back to the house through money.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 12:19pm
No alimony in the state of Texas. She has a degree in Science and has taught school before and she is viably employable so the judge will order her back to work when the divorce is final. He doesn't want to live with me because I have an 8 year old from a previous marriage and he feels he should be divorced before we pull her in.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 3:32pm
To be honest you should trust him. He says he is working things out and it is very difficult to walk in someone else's footsteps. I do not see the problem in sharing a house until the divorce is final unless there are concerns he is just prolonging things and not wanting to get divorced.

My MM's W asked him for a divorce in Jan. They have told the kids and everyone knows. They have sold the house and both have bought land and plan to build. Until the house is sold they are living in the same house and even sleeping in the same bed. They will be moving to different places once the house is sold.

So as long as you feel like he is going to leave and there is a timeframe I would be fine with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Thu, 02-26-2004 - 1:20pm
I can definitely relate to you. I am in situation where my boyfriend lives at home with his wife (their sepreated) and there two small children. He says the same thing, that when she gets a job she will move out, but now she cannot afford to. His family does not know about me. It really bothers me that he still lives with her, it is hard at night knowing they are in the same house. We see eachother a total of 10 hours a week! He works long hours, and on his days off he has the kids. It has really gotten to be too much to handle. We have been together for over 2 years, and i love hime, but everyday it hurts more and more. I hope your man really does what he says, be careful!