looking for input

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
looking for input
7
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 9:37am
Hi all, I use to come on this board last fall and always found the advice helpful. I found myself in a confusing situation last night and thought you ladies might have some good insights.

First, since its been so long since I've on on the board, here's a little background on my situation. Last September after almost a year of fighting and 2 rounds with marriage counselling my H and I seperated for a few months. During that seperation I wound up having a one night stand with a mutual friend of ours. He and I agreed it was a one time thing that shouldn't have happened and have remained good friends but haven't spoken about our night together since then.

H and I have since reconciled. Is the marriage completely fixed? No, but we are trying to work things out. We've been back to the marriage counselor again and I've been seeing an individual therapist. The most frustrating part of our marriage is the complete lack of sex. We have not had sex yet this year. It's a mutual problem, neither one of us really puts forth any effort in that department. I asked him if we could have sex last weekend and he said yes, but then when the opportunity finally arouse nothing happened. This is completely typical for us and something that I have accepted as just part of how my marriage is.

So here's the situation. Last night a group of us meet out for a weekly Thursday night get together. It's always a random crap shoot as to who's going to be there, but OM was there last night. Not unusual and as I said before, we've remained good friends.

OM announces that he is thinking about proposing to his girlfriend and has started looking at rings. Congratulations all around. Including from me. She's a great girl and really is good for him. I've seen him "grow up" a lot since they've been together. (And yes, they were together when the two of us slept together.)

OM and I wind up standing by the bar talking for a bit on our own. I congratulate him again and we start talking about the kind of rings he's looking at etc. Then he switches the conversation to how he feels like he's getting so old. His b-day was in January and he took it really hard. He turned 26 which I and everyone else keeps telling him is really young but he's all upset by it. I guess some people get upset when they turn 30 for him its 26. I again tried to reassure him. Then he points out that his older sister is married with a 2 yr old, his younger sister is married and moved away and his baby sister has moved to Cali. to live with her girlfriend.

I told him he needs to follow his own path and his own timeline and not try to keep up with what his sisters or friends are doing.

He brings up the fact that his girlfriend makes great money (6-figure income) and that she's ready to get married. (She's 30 and wants to start trying to have children). He says he's been here before with a past relationship, where he thought maybe he should propose and he thinks this time he's actually ready.

Then he switchs subjects again and brings up our one night together. It was strange though, like he was fishing for information from me. He'd make a comment about how good the sex was that night, let it trail off and then look at me for a reaction. Or he'd make a comment about our flirations and let it trail off, again looking for a reaction. I really didn't understand why after all this time he would bring it up. And why in the middle of a conversation about his pending engagement.

Here's my take on this strange conversation with someone I concider a very good friend. He's going through some kind of a crisis right now because most of his friends are engaged or married, he's sisters are all in committed relationships and he's feeling old. (Right or wrong turning 26 is really bothering him.) He sees his girlfriend as being a good influence on him, he does genuninely care for her so why not get married. But, there's always a but, he's not solid in his decision.

Being in a mess of a marriage myself, I'm very concerned for my friend. I wish nothing but happiness for him and I'd hate for him to go through what I've been through this last year and a half. I wouldn't wish my situation on my worst enemy let alone someone I care about. I know he has to make his own decision, but I'd really like to be there for him. I want to be there for him and give him good advice, I'm just not sure that I'm the best source for marriage advice for anyone.

I know this is long, so thanks for reading through to the end and thanks for any thoughts you might have!

Celt.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:17pm

hi celtic and welcome back honey!


the OM is going through a crisis of his own invention.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 1:44pm
I agree with Gurl. I can't imagine a man getting all upset over turning 26. I just turned 54 and I am not considering going into a full-blown panic attack because of that.

Given his state of confusion I don't think he should propose to his girlfriend, but it's totally up to him to decide. He's clearly got some issues but those are HIS issues, not yours. You can be his friend but you are not his therapist. He has to pull himself together on his own.

Gurl, not to hijack somebody else's post - I have a question that I hope you might answer.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:51pm
here or on email??

CL-Gurlfriend50


Co-CL of My Affair Support Board


Live, Love and Be Happy!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:58pm
Doesn't matter, can be here. What in blazes is "uncontested divorce"? Never heard of such a thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2003
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 2:59pm
Thank you both for your advice!

And thanks Gurl for the welcome back!! How are things going for you?

It's hard to imagine myself as the object of anybody's lust. Just writing it makes me laugh. :)

But it does make sense.

I agree that he doesn't sound ready to commit at all. For any number of reasons. I didn't say anything last night because it just felt awkward. Sometimes things instinctively don't feel right, but I can't put it in words. You two helped me flush it out.

I'll back way off.

Celt

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:20pm
uncontested divorce is the perfect situation!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 02-27-2004 - 3:25pm

i'm good celtic.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board